


100 Messages

by Yeonni



Category: Infinite (Band), K-pop, MBLAQ
Genre: Canon Universe, Chatting & Messaging, Consensual Violence, Gay Sex, Insomnia, M/M, Obsessive Behavior, Sort of but not really BDSM, Timeline, Yeonniverse, pay attention to the time stamps, problematic relationship, these tags are crazy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-31
Updated: 2017-08-31
Packaged: 2018-12-22 02:15:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 56,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11957601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yeonni/pseuds/Yeonni
Summary: Lee Joon said on We Got Married that he wants the kind of girl that doesn't have any male friends, who likes him more because he was always the one to like more, and who is possessive and jealous and will call 100 times in a day, and get angry if he doesn't answer.He may have gotten more than he bargained for?





	100 Messages

**Author's Note:**

> Some events in this story are based on real schedule, and the rough times are most often correct, but I've just let them happen the way I want to. A lot of real events are skipped and a lot of events in the story are just made up.  
> And ofc some traits of the characters come from public statements, and some don't. Just assume everything is made up if you want to be safe. (A list of real events that roughly correlates to those in the story can be found at the end, if someone is super interested.)  
> Remember: this is terrible terrible fiction. Go.

Late 2012

“I don't do that anymore,” Lee Joon said, waving his hand at the MC.

“Really? You quit? Why?” she asked, leaning forward in her chair.

“I can't, I can't,” Joon said smiling into the camera. “I promised not to rip my clothes again.”

“It's his wife,” Mir filled in, gesturing. “He promised to not do it again.”

“Oooh your wife,” the male MC said, and some idols hummed in agreement. “We're of course talking about your run on We Got Married,” he explained to some of the idols who were looking confused.

“Does she watch your shows?” the female MC asked. “She won't know. Just do it once for us.”

Joon laughed. “No, no.”

“Ahh, he doesn't have the body for it anymore,” the male MC teased. “That's why; he's using the wife as an excuse. Then it's better he doesn't, we can't show it if he doesn't have the body.”

“I do, that's not it, it's not as good as it was, but it's good, I can still- I just- I promised, I can't,” Joon fretted. “That's not it, that's not it,” he repeated as the MC's kept teasing him. Mir kept laughing like a crazy person. “Watch the show, you'll see, I really did promise.”

Eventually they moved on. “Are you liking married life?” they asked.

“It's a bit strange, and I've never done anything like it, but it's not bad.”

“And what about your wife?”

Others were starting to laugh before he'd even tried to answer. “She's great, honestly,” he said, putting on his best honest face. Mir was laughing again, damn him. “She's sometimes scary, but it's good, I like it.”

“Yes, you seem compatible, both of you wanting that kind of obsessive, jealous relationship,” the female MC said, Joon couldn't tell if she was serious or not. “What was it your said, call a hundred times?”

“He would really like that,” Mir said happily. “Coming back to find a hundred missed calls, he likes that kind of girl, a little crazy, yeah?”

Joon glared at him. “It's not like that, I just, I want someone who likes me. That's my ideal type, someone who likes me a lot.”

“A bit unique, that. What about Infinite?” the male MC asked, looking up to the left, where a few members of Infinite sat. “Would you like to be on We Got Married? Sunggyu-sshi?”

Joon turned around in his chair to look at them, while Sunggyu fidgeted, a little flustered, trying to deflect the question.

The MC moved on immediately. “Dongwoo-sshi?”

“I think I would like it,” Dongwoo said. “It depends on who you end up with right? But I like to meet new people and I get along with most people, so I think it would be fun.”

“What do you think of Lee Joon's ideal type? This type of girl who calls a hundred times?”

“Umm,” Dongwoo said, laughing nervously. “It's a bit... stalker-y?”

Joon laughed at that, mostly because Dongwoo said it funnily. Everyone else laughed with them. Everyone except one. Joon's eyes accidentally met with the last guy from Infinite, furthest away in the corner. Handsome face; intense, mysterious eyes. He wasn't laughing. He was calmly staring back at Joon.

“L-sshi?” the female MC said, turning to the corner and flicking her hair over her shoulder. “Would you want to be on We Got Married?” She smiled differently when she asked L questions, Joon had noticed. More real. She could be a fan, but more likely, it was the same effect as L had on most people, men and women alike. They thought he was handsome, saw his quiet demeanor and concluded he must be a good person. Joon turned forward, controlling his face.

L made a neutral noise in response to her question. “Ask me the other question.”

“Oh? Ahh, what do you think of Lee Joon's ideal type?”

Agh. Joon had to turn back to see the answer to that one, and saw Sunggyu and Dongwoo giving L warning looks.

“It sounds like trouble,” L said, meeting Joon's eyes again, before tilting his head to the side in a tiny, cute pose as if suddenly thinking of something. “Ah, but maybe the good kind of trouble?”

The display was rewarded with oooh:s and laughter and exclamations of “cuuuute”. L just kept smiling serenely, his eyes turned into happy lines. Joon snapped forward again, while Sunggyu steered the conversation away, and the show moved on.

When L, Sunggyu and Dongwoo were called forward to do Infinite's dance, the female MC made excuses to touch L for just a second, taking the microphone from him so he could dance. Joon wished he could tell her. What L really was like. He'd thought he'd be okay filming this, after all it had been months, but every time L smiled was like nails down a chalk board. He must not be able to hide it properly, because Mir stopped laughing at everything and started supporting him, even leaning over and patting his shoulder a couple of times. Joon wished the other three had come as well. To be his wall of protection.

Filming ended, everyone wandered off. Mir and Joon returned to their dressing room. They were switching clothes and meeting up with the rest of MBLAQ for a quick promotion, before returning to the dorm. Suddenly a messenger showed up asking Mir to come out meet someone, which left Joon alone. He changed into the white t-shirt and pants that the stylist had left for them, and picked up the jacket.

The door opened. Probably Mir returning. When it closed and no one said anything, Joon looked over.

L. L's eyes slid down his body and back up, slowly and without any attempt at hiding it, before L continued ahead, leaning forward into a mirror and fixing his bangs. Joon looked at the door, but it seemed so far away, and the world had gone so quiet. Just a moment ago, the corridor outside had been busy with people. He realized he was still holding the jacket, and hung it on a chair. He didn't want to dress with L in the room. He didn't want to do anything with L in the room; he hovered by the clothes rack, leaning a shoulder against the wall.

“Why did you say that, on the show,” L asked, running a hand through his hair and starting over with fixing the bangs.

Joon had nothing to say. Not on this subject, not to L, nothing.

“It's a lie isn't it,” L said, running a finger along his jaw pretending to check his skin before leaving the mirror. “That you want that kind of girl.”

What was he supposed to say? “It's not a lie,” he said. Because it wasn't. What did L want? “What do you want me to say?” L's eyes kept that mystery to themselves, as L came back and stopped a few meters away, leaning his back against a chair, holding on to it with both hands behind his back. “I have nothing to say to you,” Joon said, then couldn't believe he'd said it. Was both proud that he had, and wished he could take it back. He had to focus every cell in his body to stay still, not budge, not fidget, under L's expressionless gaze.

“Tear it for me,” L said. His lean body looked like a model's, leaned against the chair like that. L always looked like he was posing, always so chic and handsome no matter what he did. Joon hated it. Hated it more than anything.

“No,” he said, fueled by that hatered. “I just said I don't do it anymore.”

“Because you promised that woman?” L said, lifting his eyebrows slightly, like the idea was complete bullshit.

“Yes,” Joon said. No other reason. None. None that L needed to know. “I don't need to do it anymore. I'm famous, I'm popular, I don't need to do things like that to get attention.” Well, damn it, he may have been in the business for a while, but words still just poured out sometimes. G.O. always told him to work on that, and he never managed to.

L snorted, like that was bullshit too. “Do it for me,” he said.

Those mysterious eyes, that never said anything that L didn't want them to say. Joon hated them the most. He glanced over at the door, wishing Mir would return, and shook his head.

L whipped around and grabbed something from the desk, and when he moved on Joon, something metal glimmered in his hand. Joon froze like a deer in headlights. Would L really, of course he would, Joon waited for the cut, the pain, but L just nicked the neckline of the t-shirt with a pair of scissors and backed off.

“Tear it for me.”

God he wanted to. Wanted to feel the fibers rip, while L's eyes followed the tear down, down. “No,” he said, shaking his head. “There's no feeling, I can't just- it's an art, and there's no feeling.” Why was he explaining himself?

L put the scissors back and came over again, fingertips reaching Joon's abs, feathering his belly button, searching their way upward. L's lips almost touched Joon's neck, his breath hot against Joon's skin, when he said, “here's your feeling.” And pulled back again.

Joon felt his chest heave with each breath, his pants starting to hug his growing erection. Yet L looked so flawless, unbothered. L wasn't always like that. There had been a time... when Joon got to see sides of L no one ever saw. Got to put color in his cheeks, got to wipe that cool look off his face, got to slide his hands up the insides of L's thighs and make him smile and shudder.

He ripped the shirt. Grabbed the neck by the nick and tore it apart, tensing his abs, getting into it. It was an art. His body the canvas, the tearing fabric the sweeping motion of the brush. The only purpose of art was to please the observer; an artist pouring every drop of blood in their heart into its creation, only to be judged in a second by each passer by. A cruel way of living. Joon released his emotions for that one moment, and when he came up, the shirt hanging in tatters around his waist since the bottom hem didn't tear, L licked his lips, and it was all worth it. Every drop of blood. Joon breathed, hoping, believing, and just when he was about to reach out...

L's expression closed again, shutting down. His eyes ran down Joon's body with an expression of 'I can't believe this fool', and he said, “You better think of a way to explain that to the stylist-noona.” And walked away.

Joon stayed, humiliated, frozen because he didn't know what to do. Without an audience, he had no channel to pour his emotions in. The door opened again, and Mir came in, and sound returned from the outside, as if the corridor had suddenly filled with noise and action inside a second. Mir took one look at him and opened his mouth, and Joon flew across the room and kicked a chair over so hard it bounced off into a corner.

“Are you crazy?!” Mir exclaimed staring at him.

Joon sank down to sit on the floor, biting back tears, reigning all those emotions back in. He couldn't do this, not again, it was already over with, why would L come, why would he tear open the wounds again... of course he would. But why.

“Ah, hyung,” Mir said gently. “Wear the other shirt, it's gray but it'll look intentional.”

Joon shook his head and got to his feet. “I'll just wear it like this.” He fetched the jacket and put it on, and looked at himself in the mirror. His entire front was exposed like this. The torn shirt looked like a fashion choice.

“Really?” Mir said. “I thought you wanted to...”

“This is what I am, isn't it,” Joon said. “The only thing anyone cares about.” When he saw his own face in the mirror, he looked disgusted with something. Himself. He marched to the door. “Let's go.”

 

 

Late 2011

Joon woke up from his phone beeping. He groaned and rolled over. The room was empty, so he wasn't going to get punched for waking anyone up. Time to get up anyway, if the others were already up and about. He had a new text message, number unknown. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes he tapped it open.

_Good morning. Let's hope a warm sun shines on both of us today, Joon-sshi_.

Weird. He frowned at the phone, trying to think if there was anyone who'd be likely to play pranks on him. But it was just a nice good morning message, no hidden tricks about it. Maybe a fan had gotten hold of his number? He hoped not, switching would be a bother.

While he was eating breakfast, he got another.

_Let's eat well today! I'd treat you to something extra tasty!_

Was it cute or creepy? Everyone ate breakfast around this time in the morning, so it wasn't strange that someone would talk about food. He showed it to G.O.

“You've picked up a stalker,” G.O. said.

Joon wasn't sure, but half an hour later, another one arrived.

_I wish I could see you, I bet you look very sexy early in the morning._

A bit more forward. He whined about having to change his number, and Thunder told him to keep it, if the messages were going to be this nice.

They went to dance practice. When he checked his phone next, he had three new ones, and another arrived while he was reading them.

_Work hard!_

_I'm sure you always work hard, so take care of yourself too._

_I was up at dawn today and saw the sun rise, and I thought of you. I think from now on, I'll always think of you when I see the sun rising._

And,

_When Lee Joon dances, I can see the sunlight around him, as if the world wants him to always have a stage with the best lighting._

It made him giggle with embarrassment, but it was flattering too, and when he went back to practice, he kept smiling at himself in the mirror although he was supposed to have a serious face.

Two more came.

_I don't usually cook but I want to cook for you, something tasty just for Lee Joon,_

and,

_I ate dokkbokki, do you like it?_

And Joon considered whether to answer. He asked the others. Seungho said no, absolutely not. G.O. said he was stupid, which he always did, so that was no help. Thunder said it might not be a good idea. Mir said, do it. Before he had decided he got another one;

_100 of the moments in a day I think of Lee Joon, today he will think of me too. I may not have a face or a name, but here is my heart._

Joon didn't get it, but it was beautiful, and a little sad, he thought. Answering the dokkbokki question now seemed stupid, so he left it unanswered.

Over the day, more messages came. The members complained about his phone always beeping. Whenever he left it alone for an hour, several messages waited for him when he checked it again. Most of them were trivial little things, some were cheers or questions, and a few were heartfelt and artful, almost like poetry. One was an actual poem.

_A body in motion / like lines in time / like footsteps of heartbeats / maybe yours crosses mine / and there for a moment / our worlds might collide / though we'll never know it / we'll feel it inside._

Joon started waiting for the ping, anticipating, wondering what would come next. He tried imagining who would write all these things, but couldn't. Why would someone go through this much trouble, come up with all these things?

None of them were offensive or too forward, Joon thought, not until late that night.

_Sleep well. If I could come to you in your dream, I'd make you come, and come again._

He hid that one from the others. Otherwise he let them read, since they were curious. And just like that, the messages stopped. He fell asleep with the phone next to his head.

It was still dark outside when he woke up from the ping. Thunder cursed and threw a pillow at him. “Turn the sound off,” he demanded.

Joon checked the phone, it was indeed a new message from the mystery sender. He was instantly wide awake. It was long.

_This is the last of the 100 moments. I hope I wasn't a bother to Lee Joon today. Maybe I even managed to put a smile on his face once or twice. That would be the best. I won't bother him again. Maybe in time, I will stop thinking of him so much, but I will always want him to do well and be happy. Good bye and good luck, Changsun-sshi._

Joon read the message again. 100 moments. He checked his log, and couldn't believe his eyes. 100 messages. Just like he'd been promised. So would this person disappear now, without a trace? Joon would never find out who it was, who had made such an effort for him and written such beautiful things? He went back, reading all the messages again from the first. He found pen and paper and wrote down all the questions he's gotten. He started typing.

_Lee Joon likes dokkbokki_ , he began. _He likes all food. And he likes sleeping late, but sometimes has insomnia. He watches horror movies. He doesn't like camping, because he likes to shower too much, so he prefers places with running water._ He went on to answer all the questions in turn, sometimes adding a little comment to explain. The message became huge. When all the questions were answered, he didn't know what to write. It looked silly like this, just answering exactly each thing. _Tell me who you are_ , he finished. And sent.

His heart was beating. Thunder snored a little. Maybe he wouldn't get an answer. Maybe the person had fallen asleep, or didn't want to answer. But he couldn't sleep, and anyway, dawn was coming.

Then the phone vibrated.

_Ask me questions before the dawn, and I will answer them, but not who I am._

His fingers were trembling when he typed back,

_Why did you send me all these messages?_

The response was almost instant.

_I already told you, that selfishly, I wanted to make Lee Joon think of me because I think of him all the time._

Dawn was coming way too fast, the sky was lit up. Joon couldn't see the sunrise out of his window, he wasn't sure if it was up. Hurrying so much he was fumbling he wrote,

_Can't you at least give me a hint to who you are? Do I know you?_

And he got,

_I already gave you one._

What? Where? Joon stared at the phone, brain stalling as he tried to think of too many things at once. What to say? When had the hint come? Was the sun up already? The phone lit up again, another message.

_Since it seems I managed to capture Lee Joon's interest, I want to go on being selfish and ask him to watch the sun rise with me._

Joon jumped out of bed, pulled on clothes and rushed out. Behind him he heard Thunder groan and ask what was going on. He opened the front door, still getting into his shoes, and jogged up the street, up the hill, until he could see the horizon. The sun was just peeking out. He smiled like a fool and kept jogging in place to stay warm as he typed,

_The sun is rising, I'm looking at it._

He watched the sun slowly climb, the sunlight reaching over the city, touching him, warming him. It was almost entirely up when he got the return message.

A curse, and then, _I want to kiss you so much. But dawn is over, it's time to stop dreaming and wake up. Thank you for dreaming with me._

Joon sent another two messages, but got no reply. The person had decided to cut contact. He wandered back to the dorm, feeling like he'd just gotten a hold of something great only to have it torn out of his grasp. When he came back into his room, Thunder was yawning, asking him if he'd gone outside and why. Joon didn't know what to tell him. He'd gone to watch the sunrise with a total stranger, over text messages? They'd tease him, and think he'd lost his mind. He _had_ lost his mind. He said he went for a morning jog, and fell back into bed and was instantly asleep.

When he woke up he couldn't find his phone. Half panicking, wondering if he'd dropped it outside on his way back, he rushed out and found the rest of his team in the living room, huddled up on the couch. All of them trying to see something on Thunder's... ack, that was Joon's phone! He rushed over and grabbed it.

“Hyung,” Thunder said.

“What do you think you're doing, stealing other peoples' phones!” Joon exclaimed.

“We were just wondering where you went. Mir said you'd probably gone to meet a woman.”

That was preposterous. Joon stared at them, mouth open. “What? Just like that? Running off in my sleep wear?”

“I wouldn't be surprised,” G.O. said.

“You did kinda meet a woman though,” Mir said. “Even if you didn't see her in person. You watched the sunrise together. So romantic!” He sighed exaggeratedly.

Joon shook his head at that. “I don't know the first thing about this person.”

“She said she left a hint, what could it be?” Thunder said.

“We have to figure out who it is,” Mir said.

Joon was about to protest, but, “you think we can?”

“Well, I don't think the number is listed but... hm, hyung, don't you think she knows a bit about you? Maybe it's another idol? Someone who writes lyrics could write poems like that, don't you think?”

“A lot of people can write poetry,” G.O. said.

“It's probably just a fan, and you should let it be,” Seungho said. “Everyone back to getting ready. We have things to do.”

“As if you're not also sitting here reading with us,” Mir muttered, but hurried to shut his mouth when Seungho glared at him.

The day passed. A week passed. Two weeks. The members forgot about the messages, but Joon kept re-reading them, wondering. He knew he should drop it, but he couldn't. He went out with friends, and asked all of them if they knew the number, but no one did. He didn't tell them why, or show them the messages. It felt way too private now, he even wished he hadn't shown his members. Although they would have just read them in secret anyway.

Then one evening he was sitting in his room reading the messages again when Mir bounced in, returning from filming a variety show.

“Hyung, are you still reading those things?”

“I want to know what the hint was,” Joon said stubbornly.

“Aw, hyung.” Mir sat down with him. “Read it out loud.”

He read the message he was currently on. “ _Ask me questions before the dawn, and I'll answer them_.” He didn't get further than that before Mir shouted and looked at him excitedly.

“Before the dawn!” he said.

“What?”

“Well, normally, you'd say, before dawn, right? But it says 'before _the_ dawn'.”

“So?”

“It's a song! An Infinite song. Don't you hang out with Sungyeol, how can you not know.”

Between all the idols Joon knew, there were a lot of songs. “Okay, so it's a song.”

“What if that's the hint!”

“Wouldn't that mean it's someone from Infinite?”

Mir thought about it. “Maybe, although, a guy?”

“It could be. The person never says.”

“I guess.” Mir made a face. “Sorry. I guess we should let it be.”

“No wait.” Joon frowned at the phone. “Three weeks ago... I think it was just before that day, I got drunk with Sungyeol, I told him, I said my ideal type is someone who likes me a lot, someone who would send me a hundred messages in a day.”

Mir gaped at him. “You think it's Sungyeol?”

“It's not his number... but I guess he could have another...” Joon tapped the phone. “It doesn't feel like Sungyeol.”

“Ask him.”

“Ask him what,” Joon countered. “Are you into me? No way.”

“Get him drunk first,” Mir suggested. “Or drop it. I mean, a guy...? Might be better to leave it be. Seems this person is sure you won't like them back, so maybe it is a guy. In that case, you should let him get over you.”

Mir was right, of course. But all the same, an hour later he'd called Sungyeol and told him to come out drink with him. Sungyeol said they had schedule the rest of the week, so it had to be tomorrow.

Joon was almost 100% sure it wasn't Sungyeol. It just wasn't his style. And the way Sungyeol talked about women, well, he'd have to be the best actor in the world. Or bisexual, Joon had to admit that was a possibility. But what if Sungyeol had told someone else what Joon had said? Maybe that was why Infinite was the hint? Joon didn't know who else Sungyeol hung out with. Seungho was also friends with Dongwoo, so they had only gone out as MBLAQ and Infinite, no other people.

When he finally went out with Sungyeol, he'd gone over it in his head so much, he was out of his mind. He got Sungyeol drunk, and then showed him the number.

“Do you know whose number this is?”

Sungyeol squinted at the screen.

“Really, do you know it?” He wasn't getting any reaction that indicated it was Sungyeol's number at least.

“It looks familiar,” Sungyeol said and hummed. “Let me check.” He got out his own phone and tapped it. “Ah, yes, it's Myungsoo's.” He made an apologetic gesture. “L.”

L? “Are you sure?”

Sungyeol looked at him funny, and held up his phone for Joon to see for himself. He'd tapped in the number, and the phone asked if he wanted to call someone called Soo-goon. “We call him L-goon, for fun, that's why he's listed like that,” he explained. “Myungsoo, Soo.”

There was no doubting it.

“What, why do you have his number?” Sungyeol asked.

Joon distracted him with more alcohol.

That should be the end of the mystery. It was L's phone, no doubt about it. But was it L that had written the messages? Someone else could have borrowed his phone. L would have to know about it though, someone using his phone so much over one day. Joon had to find out. So at the end of the evening he said he had L's number because he had something that belonged to L that he wanted to return, so could he come visit Infinite's dorm sometime soon? It should be a surprise. Sungyeol was too drunk to ask questions, although he kept looking at Joon like Joon had gone crazy, which Joon was fairly sure that he had.

“We have dance practice tomorrow evening,” Sungyeol said. “You could come then, our practice room is just across the road from our dorm.”

 

The following morning, Joon was hoping very much that Sungyeol had completely forgotten the night. He'd been drunk himself, or he'd never have made up stupid lies about having something of L's. But as the day progressed, he decided to go anyway. He didn't have any schedule that late, and excused himself from dance practice. He never skipped it, and was the best dancer anyway, so he got out of it without too much trouble.

Driving over, he wondered what L would say. They'd never really spoken. That time that Infinite crashed into their dressing room with a camera and they all decided to be friends, L had been mostly hanging out in the back, participating but nowhere as loud as the rest. He'd tagged along with Sungyeol, Dongwoo and Woohyun drinking with Joon and Seungho and G.O. once, and seemed like a nice enough guy. A little weird, maybe. Friendly enough, but a little wary. Occasionally silly, yet a little... studied. Joon had gotten the feeling L never let slip anything he didn't want to. He looked great though. As a fellow visual, Joon could tell he knew how to present himself at his best, and he was ready to bet he had a good body too although he never seemed to show it.

He parked the car and found his way to Infinite's practice room. It looked mostly the same as any other idol practice room; a mirror wall, a couch, and music equipment. Infinite was in the middle of a choreography, but Sungyeol saw him in the mirror and called out and broke formation. The rest of Infinite scattered, Sungjong bounced away to turn off the music. Joon glanced over to find L, and his eyes met L's in the mirror for one burning moment, before L turned away and shook his hair and found a water bottle.

L had written those messages. There was no doubt about it in Joon's mind. No one had borrowed his phone. It was L.

The rest of Infinite greeted him. Sunggyu asked why he had come.

“He wanted to talk to L,” Sungyeol said.

Joon nodded. No way to get out of it now.

“Myungsoo-yah,” Sunggyu called. “You have a guest.”

L was drinking. Like everything else he did, he made it look like a photo shoot. Sweat glistening on his face, hair wet, and as his throat worked to down the water a single drop escaped and trailed down his skin. Joon's heart beat faster.

Shaking his head a little, L came over to them. “Hello,” he greeted Joon. Not a trace of the burning look through the mirror, just a friendly, slightly distant smile, like he had no idea what was going on. He was an actor, Joon reminded himself.

“If you want some privacy,” Sungyeol started.

“I don't want to interrupt your practice,” Joon hurried to say.

L just stood there, eyes following whoever was speaking.

“You could head back to the dorm,” Dongwoo suggested. “There's no one there now.”

“It's just across the road,” Sungyeol added.

“Alright,” Joon said. He really didn't want to have this conversation in front of people. In fact, he wasn't sure he wanted to have it at all. What had he been thinking?

L nodded at him and led the way outside, across the street and into the dorm. After taking off his shoes he stopped in the middle of the living room.

“Would you like something to drink?”

Joon was thrown off. His head was full of panic over what to say or do, he hadn't expected normal courtesy. “Um, no, thank you,” he said.

L continued into the kitchen and came back with a bottle of something. Cracking the cork open, he sat down in the couch. Joon fidgeted about, pretending to look at things in the dorm. This was the first time he was here, after all.

“I knew I shouldn't have given you a hint,” L sighed.

Joon stopped. He had his back to L, having wandered over to look at a few photos on the wall.

“Even so, how did you track me down.”

“I remembered I told Sungyeol about one hundred messages,” Joon said, turning around to face L. “So I showed him the number, asked if he knew whose it was.”

L was peeling the label off the bottle, the first sign of nervousity. “You didn't have to come here to tell me off,” he said, after a short silence. “I knew you're not... when Sungyeol told me what you said, I couldn't help myself. But I know it was just. It was just for fun. And you thought I was a girl.”

Joon walked around the coffee table to sit at the other end of the couch.

“Didn't you?” L asked.

He hadn't even thought about it. Honestly, he'd never considered if the person messaging was a guy or a girl. But it sounded like a lie, even in his own head. “Did you... did you really mean it? I mean... the things...” _When Lee Joon dances, I can see the sunlight around him, as if the world wants him to always have a stage with the best lighting._

“Every word,” L said, without missing a beat, focused on the half-peeled label.

“You're really good at writing,” Joon said. “Good with words.”

The most beautiful of smiles crossed L's face. Then he frowned and closed his eyes and let his fingers rest idle against the bottle. “Why did you come here?” he asked.

“I-, I- I don't know, I had to know, I had to see the person who wrote.”

Finally, L looked at him. “Well, now you know,” he said. “I guess you can leave.”

He really couldn't. “Say it to me,” Joon said. L made a face like he had no clue what Joon meant. “The things you wrote. I won't believe it was you unless you can say it.”

L gave him the same look as Sungyeol had before, the 'you're crazy but I'll roll with it'. Maybe Sungyeol had picked it up from L. The he closed his eyes and read from memory, “ _A body in motion / like lines in time / like footsteps of heartbeats / maybe yours crosses mine / and there for a moment / our worlds might collide / though we'll never know it / we'll feel it inside._ ”

Joon edged closer to him on the couch. When L's eyes opened again, Joon said, “More.”

L watched him warily. “ _100 of the moments in a day I think of Lee Joon, today he will think of me too._ ”

Hearing his own name out of L's mouth was amazing. It must have happened before, but it felt like the first time. Joon inched closer again. Their shoulders were almost touching.

L looked into his eyes like he was hypnotizing. “ _Today I ate dokkbokki, do you like it?_ ”

“I like it,” Joon said, and leaned over L. He was going to kiss him, but right there, leaning awkwardly, he lost his confidence. This, this wasn't, he couldn't, this was crazy. Even his thoughts stuttered, he observed, as L's face changed when the moment passed.

L pushed him aside and got out of the couch.

“Wait, wait,” Joon said, and for some reason he was smiling, trying not to laugh, it was his nerves, he was freaking out. He always started smiling when he didn't know what to do.

“Just leave,” L said.

“I just,” Joon said following him out of the couch, towards the bedroom.

L spun around, eyes narrowed into cold death. “Was it fun!?!” He demanded, coming up in Joon's face. “Did my disappointed face make you happy? Go on, go home and tell your members. How many times have you laughed over my messages together? Just shut up and leave.”

Joon caught his arms, locking him in the position. He wasn't smiling anymore. L stood still, refusing to struggle, cold and defensive. Joon could only think of one thing to do. He fell to his knees. “Be my boyfriend,” he said.

The pause gave L a moment to gather himself. He stared at Joon, then started to turn away.

“Don't-, don't, I mean it! I'm not playing with you. I mean it,” Joon insisted, hurrying to grab his elbow.

“What kind of idiot are you,” L said.

Agh. “I want more days like that day. I want more days like the first part of today too. I really, really liked what you wrote. I like you. Give me a chance.”

“You thought I was a girl,” L said.

Aaagh. “Girl, guy, what does it matter,” Joon said. L had made him smile, and watch his phone like a crazy person, and get up and watch the sunrise. L made his heart beat faster. L looked very suspicious. “Give me a break, I lost my nerve just now, I don't, I'm not used to things like this, let me get used to it. I've never done anything like it before.”

“Sungyeol tells me you're out with a lot of women.”

Sungyeol was going to have his ass kicked. “Ah, a lot? No, maybe- maybe some, yeah, out, having fun, having a drink. That's different! This wouldn't be like that. It's different, from a girlfriend, boyfriend.”

L kneeled in front of him and looked him in the eyes. “It is different,” he agreed. “You liked getting attention and being close and having a mystery to solve, but it's not going to be the same when I take my shirt off as one of those girls.”

Aaaaaaagh. Joon looked at the floor. “I'm not... I like both.”

“What?”

“Ya, you heard what I said! I don't tell anyone, because it's no use, what does it matter, I can't date anyway. I've never dated a guy, before either, because I don't, I don't know what to do, I didn't want anyone to know.”

L sat back on his heels, speechless.

“You don't believe me,” Joon concluded.

“No,” L said bluntly.

Joon fiddled a little with his sleeves. He had to make L believe him, it was do or die. He couldn't lose his confidence again. “Aish!” he said, and grabbed the front of L's shirt and kissed him.

L made a surprised noise into the kiss, flailing for a moment, finding his balance. Joon slid closer, standing on his knees leaning over L. Now when they were really kissing, his nerves disappeared. L's fingers curled into the sides of Joon's shirt as L came up on his knees too. L was sweaty, his lips tasted salty, his smell and the delicious way his tongue slid against Joon's made Joon's spine melt. A few moments more, and L's grip on his shirt yanked him closer, reminding Joon that this was a man he was kissing, someone who was just as physically capable as himself, who might be used to being in control. The thought woke up other thoughts that sent giddy anticipation through his body. What would it be like, with a man, with L? Would he have to fight L for dominance, or would it come naturally? Would he end up on top, or under L's command? He had to break the kiss to take a few breaths, he was too excited.

L recovered faster, and gave him a sizzling look that belonged on a photo shoot, before pushing him back, so he sat down again. Straddling his legs like it was the most natural thing in the world, L pressed their chests together and kissed him again, wrapping his arms around him.

Joon tried to keep up. L arched up against him, and it was too much like sex, the way his hips ground against him, Joon had to break the kiss again.

“Do you believe me now?” he asked, breathlessly.

L smiled a little and nibbled on his ear. “Prove it to me in the bedroom,” he whispered.

What? Joon leaned his head back to see L. Yeah, L meant it. He shook his head. “No, no, wait.”

L looked surprised. Not quite hurt, not yet, but wary.

“That kind of thing,” Joon started, but his voice gave in so he cleared his throat and started over. “I can't do that kind of thing just like that, it's, it's not meant to be used to prove a point.”

That cleaned out the wariness, now L just looked puzzled. “Okay?”

“And we, we, we just met,” Joon said.

L giggled, just for a breath. “No we didn't,” he said.

“Like this, we did. Hello, I'm Lee Joon.” He bowed his head forward.

L was smiling. “Stupid. You're saying I have to seduce you? Dinner and a movie, like that?”

“Seduce,” Joon repeated. L said such things so easily? Who was the one who had dated the most here, really? Nonetheless it sent little jolts down his body. L was sitting on his hard-on, Joon shifted to get some air between them, he was self-conscious. “This kind of thing, it, it happens naturally, later,” he started.

“Sex,” L said slowly, and licked his lips lavishly. “This kind of thing, it's called sex.”

Joon nearly had a heart attack, and his cock throbbed, trapped in his pants. He shifted again, had to look away from L's face. L was smiling with amusement, but there was an edge to it, a sharpness that warned Joon not to get too comfortable. “I want to,” he said, “but it's not just something you do, it's big, it's important.”

L's gaze softened. Licking his lips again, L let his eyes wander down Joon's chest and back up, before he got off of him, stood up and brushed off his pants and fixed his bangs. Stood there casually with his hard-on clearly visible through the soft practice pants. Joon fumbled to his feet as well, or he'd have L's crotch right in his line of sight.

“Do you, um, do you want to, go out, some time?”

L looked at him with amusement again. “Sure.” Then he looked at the floor. “You should know, though, I'm a demanding boyfriend. There won't be a hundred messages, but there'll be some, and if you don't answer any...” he let the threat hang in the air for a moment. “And no more girls.”

“No more girls?”

“No more girls,” L said again, firmly.

“You mean the ones I have a drink with? They're just friends, it's...”

L shook his head, met Joon's eyes fearlessly. “No.”

Wow. Okay. “Okay,” Joon said, with a feeling of walking into a lion's mouth willingly. “But then, you too. I get jealous easily.”

“I don't like girls,” L said.

“Guys then.”

“I'm not supposed to go out with my friends? What about my members?”

Agh, so complicated. But speaking of... “You don't... not with your members, right?”

L rolled his eyes. “Yeah, it's an orgy here every night, you should join in.”

“Seriously,” Joon said.

L put his hands on his hips, tilted his head just slightly to the side. “None of them could handle me,” he said casually.

Joon wondered if he could.

“Have you ever wanted to? With your members?” L asked.

Um. There had been times, when G.O. was being a dick to him, when Joon had gotten this random, stupid attraction. Always when G.O. was mean, for some reason, but G.O. was mean all the time so maybe it was coincidence. “They're good looking guys,” Joon said, “but they're my brothers. It's weird to think of them like that.”

L nodded in agreement.

There was a moment of awkward silence. Joon checked the time. He should leave. He glanced over at L, who stretched his arms a little. The scene was a magazine cover for health and fitness. “Do you want to go for a drive?” Joon asked.

L looked delighted. Joon was starting to realize that it wasn't that he didn't have expressions, it was just that he masked them well when he wanted to. “Let me shower first.”

Fair enough. Joon sat down in the couch as L disappeared into the bathroom and the shower started. The door wasn't locked, it wasn't even closed, he could see a sliver of the bathroom, could smell the warm water. L was naked in there, water streaming down his body; the body no one ever saw. Joon got up, paced once back and forth, and headed for the car.

He waited for a while, before L came out the dorm, his hair still wet, looking this way and that. Joon opened the car door and waved to draw his attention and L jogged over, gracefully sliding into the passenger seat.

“I thought you ran away,” he said.

“I,” Joon started, and realized he had nothing to say, no excuse, no prepared explanation. “I wanted to get the car warm.”

L leaned back comfortably in his seat, running a hand through his wet hair. “You were thinking about me in the shower.”

Agh how could he say such things so comfortably! Joon wasn't surprised he saw through it though. The car wasn't on, wasn't even warm. “I just got her, I...” he had to stop trying to explain lost causes. “Where do you want to go?” he asked, to distract, turning the key.

“Anywhere,” L said happily. “You decide.”

“Hungry?”

“Mm.”

Joon was just about to put on his seatbelt when he realized L wasn't wearing his. Opportunity! He leaned over and smelled L's freshly washed hair while he pulled out the belt and buckled it. When he sat back, L was smiling and shaking his head like it was silly. Joon put on his own belt and took off. Maybe it was silly, but if they were going to be boyfriends, he wanted it to be like this, like a real relationship. Or was he being presumtious, playing manly when L was also a man? Agh, this was why he hadn't dated men! He glanced over at L, serenely looking out the windshield, watching scenery pass by. L hadn't seemed like he minded Joon playing manly. Was he used to it? He was so pretty, maybe people treated him like this.

“Have you had a lot of boyfriends?” Joon asked. He didn't want to know, but he needed an idea of how experienced L was. L was a lot younger than himself, after all.

“Not a lot,” L said. “I had a few sort of casual boyfriends? But I didn't do casual very well.”

Really? “You seem pretty relaxed about it.”

“You mean I don't blush like a virgin when someone says 'sex', yeah.” Joon focused on driving, ignoring the way his face heated up, feeling himself smile sheepishly. “But relationships... like I said, I'm high maintenance.”

“I don't mind. I kind of like that. Knowing that the person wants me around,” Joon said.

“I hope you'll still say that later on. What about you?”

“No boyfriends,” Joon said. “A few girlfriends, in school and stuff, yeah.”

“Casual sex?”

“No,” Joon said firmly.

L laughed. “So unexpected.”

“What? What's that supposed to mean? We're idols, we can't just pick people up. And I don't, well, like I said, I don't think it should be like that. It should mean something.”

“I just mean you seem like someone who is kind of... impulsive. Honest-hearted. I thought, if you liked someone, you'd just go for it, all in.”

Joon smiled to himself. L sounded like he'd thought about it a lot. “Honestly, I am kind of like that,” he said. “But that's why it's important to slow down and think about it, when it comes to that. I don't want it to just be a random thing, I do a lot of stupid random things, I want this to be different.”

L shook his head. “Still can't say it,” he chuckled to himself.

“Ya! Sex! Sex, sex, sex!” Joon shouted. But he still blushed.

L laughed brilliantly. It was like having your own personal little sun in the car. It soothed Joon's pride. They arrived at a restaurant, ordered and ate, talked and laughed. L was surprisingly easy to be around; Joon had thought of him as quiet and a little unapproachable, but he was friendly and talked enough to keep the conversation going. Even a little mischivous, playing pranks, happily lying with a straight face until Joon was turning everything inside out and slapped his arm in frustration and told him to be serious.

“How can you be this good at lying! You must be a bad person,” Joon said.

“Hmm,” L said. “Let's play the lying game. I'll say two things, and you guess which one is true.”

Joon settled in, staring at L's face.

“Let's start easy. One, I can't sing. Two, my real name is Myungsoo.”

“Ya, that's too easy,” Joon said.

“You want a harder one? Okay. One, I hate the color blue. Two, I've never slept with a girl.”

Shit. L looked exactly the same when he said both things, and so quickly too. “No wonder you get bad boy parts in dramas.”

L just smiled mysteriously.

Joon tried to think about what he'd seen L wear. Did he wear blue? Nevermind. L was so calmly confident in himself, he'd probably known his entire life who he was. “Two is true.”

“Well done,” L said.

“I couldn't tell you were lying. Just which one was more likely.”

“Your turn.”

Agh shit. “Wait wait.” Joon tried to think. Things. Things about himself. He'd start stuttering, he always did when speaking under pressure, even with close friends. “One, I don't like ripping my clothes. Two, I don't get along with my mother.” He started laughing. At least he got through both options, he thought, turning away from the table to not laugh into the food.

L watched him, chewing on some food.

“Guess, then, guess!”

“One is true,” L said.

“They were stupid options, stupid,” Joon said. “It was too easy.”

L shook his head. “You twitch when you lie. Like this,” he blinked and jerked his head back.

“I don't!”

“My turn,” L said, moving on. He thought about it for a moment, this time making a pose for a restraurant pamphlet, chopstick hand under his chin. “Ah. One, I don't like Lee Joon ripping his clothes. Two, I think Lee Joon's laugh is amazing.”

For once, L seemed a little embarrassed, not looking at him but down at the food. Joon tried to cool his own cheeks with the back of his hand. “Ah, ya,” he said. “How am I supposed to answer that?”

“Did you see when I lied?” L asked innocently.

“You cheat. You forfeit,” Joon said. “I win.”

“I do not,” L said, laughing. “Answer it.”

“I'll answer it if you answer my next one.” Joon gathered his thoughts. “One, I wish it wasn't L writing me all those messages. Two, L looks so good all the time, I think he could be on magazine covers.”

L bent his head down laughing, quietly because they were in public, but hard enough to shake the table.

“Ya, it's not that funny.”

“You're so bad at this,” L said, still laughing. “It's so obvious!”

“It's supposed to be obvious!”

“But last time too...” L managed to control himself and found more food to put in his mouth.

“One, L even chews sexily,” Joon said.

“Stop it,” L said.

“Two, I really don't want to kiss him right now.”

“I really don't want to kiss you too,” L said. “Two, is true, for the other one. Now you answer too.”

Agh did he really have to. “I don't remember the options.”

L was happy to repeat them, apparently. “One, I don't like Lee Joon ripping his clothes. Two, I think Lee Joon's laugh is amazing.”

“Two,” Joon said, hiding his face.

“Hmmm...” L said. Was the game still going on? Joon peeked. “It's not bad though, to date someone so honest,” L said. Apparently no game.

“Maybe I can lie when it really matters,” Joon said.

“Why are you arguing this? Isn't it good to not be a lying person?”

“You're a lying person.”

L smiled. “I know.”

“I hate it when L smiles,” Joon said. He even felt himself do the twitch. Damn it.

“It's a good thing you're such a good person, or you could never appear on TV,” L said. “And maybe, for that reason, it's a good thing I'm a good liar.”

Joon laughed. “What's that supposed to mean!”

L shrugged. “Nothing. You'll find out. Here, try this.” He picked up a piece of meat and held it out for Joon.

Joon looked around. The restaurant was pretty empty, and the only people there were two older couples. Either way it was okay, wasn't it? Just two idols playing around. He took the food and they continued eating like it was something they did all the time, feeding one another. Did this make Joon the girl? No, girls fed guys too. Why was he thinking about this all the time?

“So you've never dated girls?” he asked.

“I've dated a lot of girls,” L said. “They like me. And I like dating.”

That didn't seem like something a nice person should say. “But aren't you using them?”

“I'm their friend and buy them gifts, they have fun and get to show me off,” L said. “I think it's fair. I never promise anything I'm not going to hold.”

Wow, this guy. Joon tried to remember why he'd asked in the first place. “I was never great at dating, I'm more the kind of guy you go drinking with,” he said. “Is there a big difference dating a guy?”

L clearly thought he was being silly. “You can learn dating, like what to do, if you're just out to have fun or make friends,” he said, “but when it comes to someone you really like, there's no rules. You have to be yourself, or the person you're dating will never know who you are, and it's pointless.”

“What if you really, really want it to work?” Joon asked.

“Ah, who are you asking,” L sighed. “I solved it by stealing his number from my friend's phone and sending him a hundred cheesy messages in secret.”

“They weren't cheesy,” Joon protested. Hm. L had said Sungyeol talked about Joon. “Did you ask Sungyeol about me?”

“I didn't want to be obvious,” L said. “Sungyeol naturally talks about his friends, so I didn't need to.”

“Do your members know? That you're into guys?”

L hesitated. “Some of them,” he said. “Dongwoo found out first, because he's all over everyone. I told Sunggyu because he's our leader. Sungjong knows; although we've never talked about it, I know that he knows. The others I don't think have noticed. Does your members?”

“No one knows,” Joon said. “Not even my mother.”

L shook his head. “You shouldn't say that. Everyone knows you should never date a guy in the closet.”

“In the closet?” Joon asked, bewildered.

L laughed. “How do you not know that? Someone who's not out, not openly gay or bi to at least his friends and family.”

“Why not?” Joon asked.

“Because,” L said uncomfortably, “inevitably he's going to get nervous about people finding out, and it'll affect your relationship, and you'll start fighting and break up. Or he'll start fretting about who's the man in the relationship, or wondering what's okay to do in public. It's not good.”

Joon licked his lips, feeling guilty. He'd already done all of those things. “Aish,” he said. “I'm not like that.”

L glanced at him and returned to picking at his food. Damn, he saw that he was lying, didn't he? He should just never lie again. It was better to be quiet then.

The mood was suddenly ruined. Joon finished his food, and after watching L pick at his, decided they weren't eating any more. “Let's go,” he said.

When they'd gotten in the car, he'd figured out how to cheer L up. He picked out his phone and dialed. L looked at him, curious. The person picked up after four rings.

“Mom,” Joon said.

L's eyes widened beautifully. Joon grinned. L folded down the mirror and checked his hair.

“Changsun-ah, what are you doing calling so late, is everything okay?” His mother looked a little tired on the video-call screen, but otherwise as usual.

“You don't have to,” L mouthed, sitting stiff.

“Mom, I- there's someone- I want to tell you something.”

Her voice changed, from scolding concern, to wary curiosity. “Oh? Where are you?”

“I'm in the car. With L. Infinite's L.” Joon held out the phone for L.

“Hello,” L said carefully, waving at the screen.

“Hello,” Joon's mother said.

Joon's heart was beating. This was mad. But he told his mother everything, _everything_. This shouldn't be a big deal. They were so close, he couldn't even imagine her getting angry or not understanding. “Mom, um,” he struggled to get the words out. L was shaking his head slightly, tense, breathing through his mouth. “This is, that is, we're dating. This is my boyfriend.”

L put a hand over his own heart.

Joon watched his mother's face, as the realization dawned on her. “I, Changsun-ah...” she started nodding. “It's nice to meet you, Infinite's L. Changsun-ah has never introduced me to someone before.”

L bowed as well as he could in the car.

“Take good care of my son.”

“I absolutely will,” L promised.

“I'm sorry I just... said it, like that,” Joon said. “I just had to tell you.”

“It's okay, it's okay.”

“I'll hang up now, I'll talk to you properly tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay. Sleep well. Be good.”

Joon hung up.

“I can't believe you did that,” L said.

Joon looked at him, and was suddenly immensely proud. L appeared completely thrown off. Joon had managed to break through the handsome surface for real. This was L, no, this was Myungsoo.

“Oh my god, I thought my heart would stop.” L doubled over in his seat. “Is this okay? Is she...?”

Joon nodded. Probably. Hopefully. “We're very close,” he said. “I knew she'd understand.”

“Especially then, it's scary, to lose someone you're so close to,” L said. “That was very brave. I still can't believe you did it. Crazy! You shouldn't do something like that, your poor mother, you should have told her in person.”

Joon smiled at the scolding. “I'll go visit her tomorrow.”

L frowned at the glove department. “You're really doing this,” he said. “You want to be my boyfriend. For real.”

“I do,” Joon said.

L nodded to himself. “Okay. Okay, let's do this.” He smiled. Then leaned over and kissed Joon, just a quick, chaste peck on the lips.

“Aish! In the car!” Joon said, putting his hands up in a late defense.

“It's dark,” L said and buckled his seatbelt. “Let's go.”

They drove, not really with a destination in mind because Joon didn't want the evening to end. They bought ice cream at a convenience store and ate while cruising around, watching the city lights. L leaned against the passenger side window, looking up at the sky, eating his ice cream, looking like a scene out of a movie, Joon thought.

“Do you have a lot of schedule?” Joon asked. It was the first thing they said in quite a while, but the silence had never felt awkward.

“Mm,” L said. “But nothing in Japan for a while. What about you?”

“I should be able to see you,” Joon said. His schedule had a few gaps he'd intended to fill with friends, but he had a new priority now. “Will you really have time?”

“I'll make time,” L decided.

Joon snickered. So manly. It was a new feeling, being able to openly like it. He'd been pushing it back even to himself.

“Was that funny?” L asked.

“No, no, I liked it,” Joon said. “So manly.”

L made his 'you're being silly' face again.

“I think we have to go back. You should get some sleep. We kind of left without telling anyone didn't we?” Joon realized. “Your members will be wondering where you are. Haven't they called?”

“I turned the phone off,” L admitted.

“They'll be freaking out. I've kidnapped you. We should hurry back.”

L didn't say anything. Joon turned the car around, finding his way through the city, until he parked in the same spot as before next to Infinite's dorm. L was down again, he felt. It was flattering to be wanted, but also sad to see L sad.

“I have to go see my mother tomorrow,” Joon said. “What about the day after?”

L thought about it. “I can make a few hours in the morning.”

“Call me and I'll come pick you up.”

“Okay.” L looked happier already. Joon was enjoying being able to read him better. He'd clearly relaxed more around him.

“I'll come inside and apologize with you,” Joon said, unclipping his seatbelt.

“No, no, please don't. Dongwoo-hyung is going to be so embarrassing.”

“It'll be weird if I drop you off and don't say good bye to Sungyeol.” Joon got out of the car despite L's protests. L gave up and led the way inside.

It was so late, Joon half expected them to be asleep. Sungjong and Woohyun seemed to be. The others were gathered in the living room, dressed in sleep wear. Sungyeol and Hoya were watching a movie on the laptop. Everyone looked up when they entered.

“Hello,” L smiled.

“Hello,” Dongwoo echoed, curiously leaning to see behind L.

“You!” Sunggyu exclaimed. “Where have you been all night! You never came back to practice!”

“Where have you been?” Sungyeol asked, directing the question to Joon.

“Hello,” Joon said, putting on his best please-be-nice-to-me smile.

“Hello,” Dongwoo echoed again.

“Stop saying hello and explain yourselves!” Sunggyu demanded.

“We just went for a drive, hyung,” L said.

“You've been gone forever! And your phone is off!”

“Oh?” L fished out his phone and looked at it incredulously. “It must have ran out of battery, I'm sorry hyung.” Such a competent little liar. Joon was impressed. He could never pull it off like that.

Dongwoo's eyes were going between Joon and L, slowly putting two and two together.

“So, I'm sorry for the disruption, it's my fault, I forgot the time,” Joon said. “I'll be more responsible next time.”

“Next time?” Sungyeol asked.

L looked uncomfortable.

“Mm,” Joon said, only that. If L didn't want to tell his members, or didn't want to do it here and now, that was his business. He bowed to all of them, most to Sunggyu. Without a leader's goodwill, life was difficult, he knew. Then he started leaving.

Dongwoo had figured it out. His mouth was falling open.

“What's going on here? Is there some secret Infinite and MBLAQ thing being filmed?” Sungyeol followed Joon. “Hyung, tell me.”

This was not going well. Joon turned back and saw L cross his arms and lick his lips. Their eyes met, and Joon tried to signal it was okay.

“Joon-hyung and I are dating,” L said.

Joon had to admire the calm he could gather.

“Ha!” Dongwoo exclaimed, then added, “That's great, sorry,” while covering his mouth to muffle a nervous laugh.

Sungyeol looked like he'd been struck by lightning.

Sunggyu frowned. “Dating?”

L nodded. Joon tried to look like a responsible hyung, which was not his best look. L looked more like the hyung.

“Are you two crazy?” Sungyeol exclaimed. “Joonie, he's joking, right?”

“What's the harm,” Hoya said, speaking up for the first time. “It's not like they're going public.”

“What the harm?!?” Sungyeol marched up to L. “This fool,” he gestured to Joon, “doesn't know how to lie to save his life! They'll be found out in a minute! We'll all be ruined!”

“That's enough,” Sunggyu said. “It's late, we'll talk about this tomorrow. Joon-hyung, say hi to MBLAQ for us.” He nodded at Joon.

That was Joon's cue to leave. He tried to send L strength through eye contact, and took off.

His own members glared a bit at him, but didn't ask, didn't give him a hard time. They'd been together for so long, they knew they could trust each other to not make rookie mistakes. They assumed he had a reason and let him be.

Come morning, however, his phone was missing again. Trusting, but endlessly curious, members.

He found it in Seungho's room, in Seungho's bed, in Seungho's hands, with Mir and Thunder stationed on either side of Seungho. All three looked up and gave him a _look_ that made him stop in the doorway.

“What!” he exclaimed.

“You have three new messages,” Seungho said helpfully.

He sighed. “What are they?” He knew they'd already read them.

Seungho cleared his throat. “ _I can't sleep. What is Lee Joon dreaming about?”_ Hearing L's words out of Seungho's mouth felt really wrong. “And then, _If he dreamed about me, I'd be very good to him_.” Joon squatted down and covered his face to not burst into bounding laughter, it was so weird, but it still made him so happy. “And then finally,” Seungho said and looked serious, “ _Tell your mother hi from me_.”

“You found out who it is!” Mir wailed. “Why didn't you tell me! I helped you find out, I, me!Who is it? You met her yesterday didn't you?”

“Did you really meet yesterday?” Thunder asked.

Joon would have loved to say no, but L laughing, saying what a bad liar he was, came to mind and he just giggled like a school girl and started to escape to the kitchen, but came back because they'd just follow him, they never gave up. Mir already had both feet on the floor, but sat back down. Joon turned this way and that in the doorway, leaned against the frame, felt stupid, did it again, waddled over and sat on the bed.

“You really did,” Thunder observed.

Seungho watched him, assessing.

“I'll be careful, hyung!” Joon assured him. “No one will know! Really! I'll really really work hard! It'll never interfere with schedule!” The last one was probably a lie, but he wanted to believe it, he really did, so maybe it would pass.

“Sit here,” Seungho said, patting the side of the bed. While Joon shifted over, Seungho got up and came back with a ladle from the kitchen. “Today we're here with MBLAQ Joon,” he said into the ladle. “Joon-sshi, tell your fans, are you seeing anyone?” He shoved the ladle under Joon's chin.

Aaaagh. Joon pushed the ladle aside but Seungho just put it back. Mir and Thunder moved so they could see Joon's face. “Ah, really, hyung,” Joon said, desperate.

“Ahhhh, there is someone, isn't there?” Seungho said into the ladle.

Sungyeol had also said he'd be unable to keep the secret for longer than a minute. Had it been a minute yet? Joon doubled over, pressing his forehead into the bed, groaning into the mattress.

“I think there i~is,” Seungho sang.

“No,” Joon told the bed.

“No one will believe that for a second,” Thunder said matter-of-factly.

“I'll figure something out, I'll practice, L is really good at lying he'll teach me!” Joon said, looking up at Seungho to find mercy.

A second passed, before Joon realized what he'd said, and completely panicked. “I mean L... I mean, it... I... yesterday when... it was... I mean I went to see Sungyeol yesterday and... ah really.” He hid against the bed again. There was a few moments of silence. “What!” he came back up, saw the other three looking at him. “No, no, it's not like that, I, aish! Really!”

“What is this fool doing?” Seungho asked.

“Who's 'Elle'?” Thunder asked.

“Hyung,” Mir said. “Is it... could it be that you went to see Infinite yesterday?”

Joon fretted.

“He did,” Seungho said.

“Infinite has a girl named Elle?” Thunder asked.

“L,” Seungho said, slapping his shoulder. “Their member, the handsome guy, L.”

What were they thinking? Had he made things worse by freaking out? He could have said he'd hung out with Sungyeol and become friends with L. It would have made perfect sense, and explained why he'd suddenly be spending time with L. Joon scratched his head. Agh, this whole sneaking around lying thing was terrible.

“Hyung,” Mir said. “Tell us the truth.”

Seungho nodded, looking serious.

Joon didn't know where to go, he just wanted to get away. “I saw Sungyeol yesterday and hung out with his members, and I talked some to L,” he said. It was skirting the truth enough that he had some confidence.

Thunder and Mir looked doubtful but willing to believe it, but Seungho said, “Lying.”

“I'm not!” Joon protested. “It's not a lie. Hyung.”

His phone beeped. It was in Thunder's hand. Joon's eyes snapped there, and Seungho snapped it up, already tapping it.

“Hyung give me my phone,” Joon said, starting to get annoyed. Seungho kept tapping, until he wasn't, and Joon realized he'd answered the message. Cold dread crept into his stomach. “Hyung! You can't! That's my phone!”

It pinged again. L had answered. Joon stood up, but Thunder grabbed his arm.

Seungho typed again. And then got an answer, snorted, and typed again. Joon sat frozen, knowing his members would just stop him if he tried to lunge for the phone, and it was probably too late anyway. After the third message, the phone was quiet.

“Hyung, please,” Joon said.

Seungho didn't even look at him, just kept staring at the phone waiting. Then it vibrated. Not a message; someone calling. Joon held his breath while Seungho answered, putting on the speaker.

“L-goon?” he asked.

“Seungho-hyung, that's not very nice. Playing tricks on people,” L's voice said, calm and firm.

Joon dove into the bed, pulling the cover over himself, but sticking his head out to hear.

“You've played some tricks on our Joon,” Seungho said.

“That's none of your business, hyung,” L said. Not rudely, but strong enough. Joon started smiling, feeling proud for some reason. L was many years Seungho's junior, but he was putting up a fight. Fearless as ever.

“It is my business,” Seungho said. “He's my member, and my dongsaeng. Are you his friend?”

“I think you know what I am,” L said. Mir and Thunder gave Joon shocked looks, and Joon hid more under the cover, just peering out from underneath.

“You're not blackmailing him or something?” Seungho said, although the way he said it made clear he didn't really think so.

L chuckled. “Not yet at least. Depends what you mean by 'something'.”

Aaaah. Joon shook himself, feeling giddy but trapped where he was.

“Then tell me something,” Seungho said. “Do you love our Joon?”

There was a moment's silence. “Can he hear me?”

“No,” Seungho said, glancing over at Joon.

Oh god.

“I do,” L said. Still calm, unfazed, but gently this time.

“Then you'll take good care of him?” Seungho asked. “Make sure he doesn't get into trouble? Teach him to lie so he'll survive filming?”

Another chuckle. “I think teaching him to lie is impossible. But I'll figure something out.”

“Alright then. And if you do play with him, if you do upset him, L-goon...” Seungho warned.

L didn't say anything. Didn't make any assurances, or apologies.

“Say hi to Dongwoo for me,” Seungho finished.

“I will. Give Joon-hyung's phone back,” L countered.

Seungho hung up. Joon buried properly under the cover. Listening to those two having a conversation was somehow like two dogs having a standoff, no one wanting to start a fight, but neither going to back off. No one said anything really confrontational, but it still felt like battle. Did that make Joon the girl, standing between a protective father and an upstart lover? That was stupid, but it still made him giggle, maybe because it was stupid. Someone patted his back through the cover.

“You can come out, hyung,” Mir said.

Joon threw a part of the cover back and stuck his head out like a turtle.

Seungho was sitting on the bed opposite him, Mir was next to him, Thunder was standing a few steps away.

“So a guy who says he loves you after you've met once,” Mir said. “Eeeh, Joon-hyung, I don't know about this.”

“Joonie says he wants someone who likes him a lot,” Seungho said.

“You guys,” Joon said, sitting up. “You guys don't mind?”

“G.O. and I had our suspicions,” Seungho smiled. “He'll be very sad he wasn't here and got to taunt you to tears.”

Mir smiled supportively. Thunder looked uncomfortable.

“Thunder?” Joon asked.

“Just, let me think about this a little,” Thunder said, hesitating.

Fair enough.

“This L, though,” Seungho said. “He's trouble.”

“He's not trouble, hyung,” Joon said. “He's got the same to lose as us, and he's much smarter than me.”

Seungho shook his head. “Ah, Joonie. He is definitely trouble, trust me. I don't mean he'd mess up MBLAQ or Infinite, but... trouble.”

Joon didn't know what that meant.

“Just be careful, okay?”

He nodded, just to appease Seungho.

“Alright, we're late. Better get going.”

Everyone scattered, looking for clothes. Joon got his phone back. Back in his room, alone, while Thunder was in the bathroom, he checked the messages.

Seungho had sent,

_L?_

and L had answered,

_Who is this?_

To which Seungho answered,

_It's me._

and L,

_Give Lee Joon's phone back, bitch._

Joon was shocked into laughter. Seungho had apparently given up and written,

_This is Seungho._

That was when L had called.

Beautiful, fierce L. Joon wrote,

_Sorry._

A few minutes later, while he was brushing his teeth, he got the answer.

_Were you really not listening to the call?_

Agh, agh. Joon thought about it. He could lie in text right?

_Seungho-hyung took the phone while I was sleeping. Was he very mean?_

L answered,

_Very._

Joon laughed.

_I'll make it up to you._

“Joon-hyung! Stop playing with your phone, let's go!” Mir yelled.

During the day, a few more messages appeared randomly, just thoughts L was having. Joon answered when he could, L didn't get upset when it took hours, but he probably knew Joon had schedules to attend. In the afternoon, Joon went to see his mother. She cried once, Joon wasn't entirely clear on why, but otherwise everything seemed to be fine. While driving home he talked to L on the phone.

“What will we do if they ask me if I'm seeing someone,” Joon said.

“You mean on shows?” L thought about it. “Just say you're not seeing any women, you don't have a girlfriend. That's true, isn't it?”

L was so clever.

“When are you coming tomorrow?”

“Whenever you call,” Joon said.

“Okay,” L said, only that, but sounded happy.

Tomorrow couldn't come fast enough.

Joon had trouble falling asleep. His insomnia came and went, usually he was so exhausted from all the activities that he just fell unconscious into bed, but today he was too giddy. He listened to some music in headphones to not bother Thunder, and typed messages to L that he never sent. It was still long before dawn when he got a message from L instead.

_When will I call?_

When did L sleep? Maybe he woke up a lot when he slept? Joon slept like the dead; once he'd actually fallen asleep he stayed that way until something really woke him up. Once properly woken up, however, he had trouble going back to sleep.

It was too early to go pick him up, though, and maybe he wasn't really awake yet. Joon lay down on his back with his phone in his hand, counting seconds. In three hours he'd message L back. Two hours, fiftynine minutes, fiftynine seconds. Two hours, fiftynine minutes, fifityeight seconds. Two hours...

He woke with a start. Rubbing his eyes, he checked the phone. Agh, he'd slept several hours. _Call me now,_ he wrote. A minute later, L called. Joon didn't pick up, just got ready. He had trouble picking clothes. He didn't want to look like he'd put in too much effort, but he did want to look nice. L called one more time, but not more than that. Finally Joon picked out a red shirt over a black tank top, and his best jeans. He rarely wore jeans, so they were sort of special even if they looked casual. His members were up and waved good bye as he headed for the car.

Standing at Infinite's dorm door, Joon wondered what had happened in L's life after Joon left. They'd talked, but only about everyday things, what L was eating, what Joon was doing. Joon wanted to have a warm heart, he cared a lot about people, but he was a little thoughtless, a little forgetful. He should have asked what the Infinite members had said. He rang the bell.

Sungjong opened the door. “Joon-hyung,” he said, bowing. Apparently the parts of Infinite Joon wasn't really close with had decided to be friends with him too. That was fine, Joon didn't really feel comfortable as a sunbae anyway. Ah, did this mean they'd talked about him a lot?

“Hello,” Joon said, and continued to repeat it a few times as he came into the living room, where a few members sat. L wasn't there. “Are you all well?” He might as well be polite.

“We are, thank you,” Dongwoo said.

Woohyun and Sungjong kept looking at him funny. He looked around, wondering why L wasn't there, ready to go.

Sungyeol came walking. “Ah, Joonie-hyung, are you here again?”

“I'm pickin up L,” Joon said.

“Really?” Sungyeol glanced to the side, at a closed door.

“Ahh,” Dongwoo said. “That explains it.” Woohyun and Sungjong looked at each other instead.

“What?” Joon asked.

“Well, um, L, he,” Dongwoo hesitated. “He's in there, just go talk to him.”

“Why, why? What's going on?” Joon asked, edging towards the door but wanting to hear it first.

“I saw him call someone before, and then he, uh. I don't know if you know this about L, but he can have a bit of a, hm, he doesn't get angry exactly but...”

“He can be very stubborn,” Woohyun filled in.

“So he got very stubborn, and shut himself in,” Dongwoo said.

Oh no. Joon weighed from one foot to the other. “Aish. I didn't answer because I was coming here anyway,” he said. “What can I do?”

“Be cute,” Sungjong said.

“Ya, that only works because you're the maknae,” Woohyun said. “When L is like that, you just let him be. Let him have his way if you can, and leave him alone otherwise.”

“No, no, no,” Dongwoo said. “We do that, but you can't do that. You have to fix it. It's not the same with you. He said...” Dongwoo slapped a hand over his mouth, then laughed. “Aish, I really talk too much. He said he really hates boyfriends who have too much pride. So you can't just ignore him.”

“You've talked about this?” Sungyeol asked, looking puzzled.

“Mm,” Dongwoo nodded.

“You've known for a long time?”

“Me too,” Sungjong said. When the others looked at him, he insisted. “I really did. Didn't you notice? L was so obvious.”

“You only say that because you happened to notice it,” Woohyun accused him.

“Why are you still here? Go,” Dongwoo told Joon.

Joon jumped in place a few times to work up the courage. “Thanks,” he told Dongwoo before heading for the door. “Too much pride,” he mumbled to himself, wondering what it meant. He knocked once, then decided they were close enough that he didn't need to wait for an answer and entered.

L was sitting at the desk with a camera, looking at the display.

“Hello,” Joon said, trying to sound cute. No harm in trying everything.

L's back didn't move.

Joon headed up to stand next to his chair. He was looking at pictures taken, scrolling through them one by one.

“Ah, L, L-goon,” he said, remembering how Sungyeol had said they called him that for fun.

L frowned slightly.

“I'm here! Aish, L, don't be mad, I knew what you were going to say on the phone so I figured I'd just come as fast as possible instead.”

“You must have driven very slowly,” L said.

Agh, he'd spent so much time picking clothes. “I'm sorry,” Joon said. “Myungsoo-yah.”

“How can you tell me to call and then not pick up?” L scolded the camera.

“I'm sorry, it was stupid, I'll never do it again. I'll always pick up when L calls, from now on, I promise.”

“Don't promise me impossible things.”

“Aish, I'm really trying here! Okay, I promise to always pick up if I can, if I hear the phone and isn't busy with work. Better?”

L flipped through a few more pictures before turning his head and looking up at him apprehensively. “Mm,” he decided. “Come here.”

Joon bent down and they met halfway in a sweet kiss. Joon was careful to keep it light, he could still hear the other members fussing outside. After, he sat on the desk. “What's this?”

“I take a lot of photos,” L said. “It's my hobby. But these are no good.” He pushed the camera away. “Let's go somewhere.”

“Can I see?” Joon picked the camera up. There were a lot of photos. The sky, various scenery, members of Infinite. He got up on the desk properly, crossing his legs. L leaned back in the chair and waited. “They look good to me,” Joon said.

“It's a good hobby, and it works well with the rest of my life,” L said. “I think if I wasn't doing this, I'd like to be a photographer, maybe.”

“Camera man?” Joon joked, holding the camera up like the guys did when they were filming.

L smiled. “No, not like that, a photographer. Photos. I don't like film cameras so much. You can do amazing things with photos. If you capture the right moment, you can see so much more than just what's there. Describe a person's whole self in just a fraction of a second. And I'd like to travel, take photos all over the world, maybe for news or something.”

“Like the people reporting from war?”

“Maybe.”

“Don't do that,” Joon said. “You could get hurt.”

“It's just what I'd do if I wasn't an idol, but I am.”

“Still,” Joon said. “Promise?” He held out his hand like the kids did for pinky promises.

L looked at his hand, thinking about it. “Should I promise? But it's my dream.”

“Just war,” Joon said. “You can go take pictures of other things, wild animals, peaceful people.”

“Peaceful people,” L chuckled, but did the pinky promise. “Fine, I promise.”

Joon set the camera down and jumped off the desk. “Alright, let's go.”

“Where do you want to go?” L looked around and found a sweater to pull on.

“I don't know, anywhere. Let's take photos. Great photos.” Joon picked up the camera again. “We'll drive and find good light. And other good things, for photos. Backgrounds. People.”

L was laughing at him, but said, “Okay.”

Joon handed over the camera and took his hand. Was this weird? Did guys also hold hands? It didn't feel weird. L just stood there, camera in one hand, holding his hand, looking like a wild life correspondent on national TV. Joon led the way out.

He hadn't really considered that he'd walk right past most of Infinite holding L's hand. To not freeze up, he turned his head down and kept walking.

“Oh, they're coming out,” Dongwoo said.

“Shouldn't they stay in? I hear make-up se...” Woohyun slapped a hand over Sungjong's mouth.

“Don't be late,” Sungyeol told L.

“I won't,” L said.

They had to stop to put on shoes. Joon dared look back at Infinite and felt himself crack into a big smile, although he wasn't sure why.

“Ah look at them, they look kind of good together,” Woohyun said.

“They're both visuals,” Sungjong pointed out.

“Doesn't mean they have to look good together.”

“Joon-hyung looks like a happy puppy being taken for a walk,” Sungyeol said.

“Ya!” Joon said. But he kind of felt like that. “Hurry up, hurry up, let's get out of here.”

“Behave yourselves,” Dongwoo added, acting like a hyung.

They left. Joon wanted to drive out of the city, but they got stuck in morning traffic. L took some pictures out the window, then one of Joon driving that made him really shy. After an hour, traffic cleared out a bit so they could drive around more. They stopped at a park and took more photos and L tried to explain how to find good light and good angles. They bought some street food and ate as they walked.

“When do you have to be back?” Joon asked.

“In an hour,” L said. “It won't take as long to drive back though. When can I see you again?”

“Let's not think about that until later,” Joon said. “Right now, think that we have endless time, endless!”

“You're the one who asked, reminding me,” L pointed out, but smiled.

Joon wanted ice cream. L said it was way too early in the morning for ice cream, but Joon insisted. They found a store and L got a drink instead. They sat in the car in the parking lot and ate.

“When we played the lying game, you said you don't like ripping your shirt,” L remembered.

“It's not exactly that I don't like it,” Joon explained. “A lot of people like my body, and the dancing, and that's great, but it's not all I am. I'm a person too, right?” L was watching him talk. In fact, his eyes were on Joon's mouth. Joon ate some more ice cream. “I've ripped my shirt a lot, and showed off my body a lot, but now I want to do other things. I want to be good at and be known for other things too.”

L blinked. “Yes,” he said.

“Are you listening to me?” Joon asked, feeling a little hurt.

L smiled. “Yes, sorry. You want to not just be a body, I'm sorry, this is terrible, but it's just, the ice cream, I couldn't help it, but I am listening.”

The ice cream? Joon was in the middle of licking some of it up before it dripped on his shirt, and realized what L was saying. He felt himself blush. “Ah, I, okay,” he said, trying to think of how he'd been eating. He hadn't been especially dirty, right? Maybe L's mind was just dirty.

“Was this not why you wanted to buy it?” L asked, curious.

“What? No.” Joon stared at him, embarrassed. “What... what kind of person do you think I am?”

L shook his head. “A person who rips his clothes on stage. Is it so strange? You're a dancer, you've been taught how to make your body and your movements look beautiful. I understand that you want to be more than that, but if you stop doing it completely doesn't that mean you have no confidence in that your other qualities can shine too?”

Hm. Joon hadn't thought about that. “But if I keep doing it, it's all anyone cares about.”

“I care about other things. It wasn't your looks that made me like you.”

Really? “Then what was it?”

“Hmm, it's hard to explain, because it sounds like it's your looks. But it's how you smile, and how you move. And the way you get embarrassed, and the way you stutter when you're excited. And the things Sungyeol told me about you, that you want someone to like you a lot, that you're a bit childish and jealous and possessive. And that you're someone who likes to be loud and have fun, but also can be very quiet and thoughtful.”

Sungyeol had said all those things? “You like that I'm jealous and possessive?”

L looked down at the drink. “I like to know that the person I like, likes me back. I get attached and bitchy and start worrying I'm too difficult. I like being held on to.”

He was so breathtakingly beautiful right there. “Me too,” Joon said. But there was some uncertainty in L's eyes when he looked up, like he wasn't sure he believed in Joon. Joon reached over and touched L's face, partly to reassure, but also because it felt like L was too beautiful to be real. Then he smiled embarrasedly and grabbed the wheel. “Okay. We should maybe...”

L turned around, one knee on the car seat, and kissed him. Screw the fact that they were in the car and relatively in public, screw it. Joon kissed back, digging his hand into L's hair. Ah this was too great, L was too great, and he kissed so good... A loud noise made them both jerk back. Agh, L's elbow had hit the car horn. Both of them started laughing, as the immediate fright from the noise let go.

Joon held his hand over his heart, feeling his pulse race. “Ahhh!”

“I'm sorry,” L laughed.

“No kissing in the car,” Joon decided.

“Not on the mouth at least,” L said, when Joon looked over he was pointedly looking out the side window.

“You, you're some kind of devil,” Joon said, starting the car. He saw L's reflection smile.

They drove away.

“What happened after I left the other day?” Joon remembered to ask.

“Hm?”

“It seemed a bit tense.”

“Nah, it was okay. Everyone went to bed. Yesterday, everyone were acting really weird, though.”

“Weird how?”

“Someone told Woohyun-hyung without me, and he kept hovering near me like he wanted to talk about it but didn't want to bring it up. And Sungjong followed him around hoping we'd talk about it somewhere where he could listen in. Dongwoo-hyung's been giving me these weird smiles and cheers all the time, like he wants to show he supports us, but it's just really embarrassing.”

“So you haven't talked about it?”

“The others have talked about it, I'm sure.”

“But not with you?”

“Not really, no. They know when I don't want to talk about something, and don't bother me. Except Woohyun-hyung of course who can't leave anything alone.”

Joon thought about what they'd said earlier, about leaving L alone. “What does it mean, not have too much pride?”

“Agh, Dongwoo-hyung told you that.” L tilted his head, thinking. “It means, like this morning, someone with too much pride would have said, don't be silly, I'm here now, get over it. Instead of trying to apologize. Like that.”

Joon licked his lips. Did that mean L liked to be begged to? Groveled to? He pushed the thoughts away. Not yet. Not ready to go there yet.

“What about you? Did your members give you a hard time?” L asked.

“No, no, well, they found out, but, it's okay. G.O. was away.”

L laughed. “Is it usually him?”

“It is,” Joon confirmed. “Mir can be a bother, but he never means any harm. Thunder can be really mean too, but he was pretty quiet this time. I dunno, maybe it isn't okay, with him. We'll see.”

“Sungyeol really took it hard,” L said quietly. “I'm not sure why. Maybe he liked you, hyung?”

“Me? No. He's way into girls.”

“That's what I thought about you,” L said.

Joon considered. Sungyeol did seem to have taken it pretty hard, and had been very closed off this morning. “He might think it's weird. He once told me he wouldn't let his sister date me, so maybe he feels like that, since you're kind of his brother.”

“He wouldn't let you date his sister?”

“He said I was a psycho stalker,” Joon remembered. “We were drunk.”

“He never said anything like that to me,” L said. “I mean, he said you were obsessive and jealous, but it didn't sound like such bad things the way he said them.”

“That's maybe only because you like it.” He hoped that was the case. Leaving L to deal with a jealous member all day every day was not be a fun prospect. “Tell me if he gets too annoying okay?”

L chuckled “What would you do?”

“I don't know, talk to him?”

“Good luck with that,” L said. “You think I'm high maintenance, you should see Sungyeol. But I think you're right, I don't think he's into guys. Not that I claim to know that very well.”

“Maybe he's just friend-jealous,” Joon said.

“Could be,” L agreed.

“What about Sunggyu?”

“I think he's okay with it. He's not the kind of leader to start yelling at me in front of everyone, but he'd have let me know if he thought it was a problem.”

“Good,” Joon said. “I don't know what we'd done otherwise. Not being okay with the leader is such a bother. You handled Seungho-hyung very well though.” Agh! “I mean, what I saw, on the text messages, Seungho-hyung told me about the call, aish! Why am I so bad at this. I heard it.”

L turned away.

“I'm sorry I lied.”

L didn't say anything.

“It's fine, it's fine, I'm not... it doesn't freak me out or anything, it's okay.” Okay, now he was freaking out. “Sorry, I don't know why I'm like this.”

L was so scary this way, silent and without expression. Joon focused on driving, they were basically already there. He parked the car and turned off the ignition.

“Really don't come with me in this time,” L said.

“Are you angry? L-goon, don't be angry, I'm sorry I lied.”

L shook his head. “It's not that. They'll just make a fuss again, we'll be late.”

Joon captured his arm when he tried to unbuckle the seatbelt, wanted to see his face. L kept his head down, sighed and shook his head. “So embarrassing,” he said.

“It's not, it's not,” Joon assured him. “I'm, I don't mind. It was cute. And it made Seungho-hyung believe in you. Although I guess he said you were trouble, but he didn't mind us seeing each other, so that's good, right? I mean, I like you too, but... mm, not but, just that, I don't think...”

“Stop talking,” L said.

“Ah,” Joon said, trying to laugh.

“Drive safely, hyung,” L said and got out of the car.

Ah, really? That was it? Joon watched him cross the road and enter the dorm. He was thinking about it the whole back back, wonder what he should have said instead. All in all, the day had been a bit wobbly, hadn't it? A fight to start it, and a fight to finish it, if these were fights. They felt like fights even if there were no harsh words or raised voices.

“I'm back,” he said, returning into the dorm.

“He's back,” G.O. declared, stopping on the way between the kitchen and his room. “Did you have a good time?”

Had the others told G.O.? “I don't know, I messed up.”

“Messed up?” G.O. followed him into his room, eating his sandwich. “What do you mean?”

“Ah, hyung, do you know? What I was doing?”

“Seeing Infinite's L, they said?”

“Yes but, um.” Might as well say it. “Date, it was a date.”

G.O.'s eyes flew open. So they hadn't told him. “Yang-leader!” G.O. shouted. “You owe me a steak dinner!”

What?

“Ya, you fool, don't say that in front of him,” Seungho said, coming in.

“You bet on me?” Joon demanded.

G.O. waved his hand. “Nevermind that. Messed up how?”

“He knows I heard him on the phone with Seungho-hyung.”

“He said he loves our Joonie,” Seungho explained.

“Oh,” G.O. said. “Oh, did you say it back?”

“Of course not, how could I do that? We've only dated twice, it's too soon.”

“You poor fool,” G.O. said, patting his head. “You're too honest.”

Joon swatted his hand away. “What! Too honest! So I should lie and say I love him?”

“Yes,” G.O. said.

“No,” Seungho said. “What are you doing, trying to get him killed?”

“Can't, it would be bad for my career,” G.O. said.

Joon collapsed on the bed, spreading on his back. “Ah, what should I do~!”

“When are you meeting again?” G.O. asked.

Well... shit. They were going to talk about it on the way back, but then Joon had ruined everything. Ah, this wasn't fair, it was L who had done the stupid thing, saying it so soon, how could he possibly know that he loved Joon? Yet Joon was the one in trouble. “I don't know,” Joon said.

“Find out,” Seungho said.

“Ah, I'm really dead this time.”

G.O. patted his stomach. “This isn't going to be the only time you're an idiot,” he said with a reassuring voice. “If he can't take it this once, he won't handle the rest of the times, so you might as well break up.”

“You, you, get out of my room.”

G.O. left, ushered by Seungho.

Joon rolled over to his stomach and picked out his phone and stared at the empty text message screen. What, what, what.

_Am I in trouble?_ he wrote.

Why wasn't L answering? Ah, right, they had schedule. Technically, MBLAQ had practice. Joon dragged himself out of bed and got going.

L never answered. He couldn't sleep again. He tossed and turned and fussed about, and Thunder got annoyed at him, but eventually he fell aleep.

When he woke up, however, he did so to a whole bunch of messages.

_I want to see you._

_I want to see you._

Again and again, he counted six of them. Then,

_I'm sorry I didn't answer, I was so embarrassed, don't be upset._

“What is this fool smiling for?” G.O. asked at breakfast. “Did you make up with your little friend?”

“What little friend, who are you talking about like that!”

“Oh, look at him, he's defending his girl,” G.O. teased.

“Stop it,” Seungho said, pushing him. “Joon, you're going to have to invent some good news, people will ask why you're so happy all the time.”

Who cared if they teased him. L wasn't angry.

_When can I see you again?_ he sent later in the day.

_Weekend? I can clear some hours in the evenings._

Joon was busy Friday, but that still left two days in a row. But oh so far away.

For the following few days his members started changing his message tone all the time because they got tired of it. Every time he'd left his phone anywhere it had a new signal. It also had a message or two from L. He answered some, but not all were things that should or could be answered. There were random thoughts, feelings, but also more poetry and sometimes descriptions of something he was looking at, like a photo except in words. Never actual photos, for some reason.

Saturday did finally arrive, though. It was afternoon, and Joon was sitting around in the living room talking to Mir who had discovered celebrity gossip on a show he'd been. They'd had dance practice, and he was freshly showered, and in the back of his head planning what to wear to pick up L later, when the door bell rang.

Mir bounded off to open, Seungho and G.O. appeared from the kitchen, curious.

“Was someone having friends over?” Seungho asked.

Joon shook his head. Thunder came out of the bathroom just as Mir said, “Ah, L-sshi!” Joon got up from the couch, noting how Thunder had frozen in place. It hadn't been a problem so far, but seeing them together? How would Thunder handle it?

L came inside, bowing, carrying a paper bag.

“Hello, hello,” he said.

Everyone bowed back.

“Ah, everyone is here,” L said, like he was a little flustered. “Well, I have gifts, to appease the hyungs.” He picked at the objects in the bag. “Actually, just take it.” He picked out something and hid it behind his back, before holding the bag out.

Thunder was closest. Joon was ready to step in, but Thunder took the bag politely. In an instant, Mir and G.O. were there, looking through it. It looked like mostly food and candy. L stayed standing, hands behind his back.

Joon walked up to him. “Hi.” He felt awkward suddenly. He couldn't really greet him as he wanted with the members in the same room.

“Hi,” L said, smiling peacefully.

“You didn't tell me you were coming.”

“It's a surprise.”

“I like surprises,” Joon said.

L kept smiling.

“Ah, my favorite,” G.O. exclaimed, claiming something from the bag. “Joonie's girl has some good sense.”

Tension suddenly rose in the room. Joon was too outraged to speak properly. Thunder backed away a little. But L snorted and smiled wide and turned his head away.

“Ahh, he likes that,” G.O. said. Seungho smacked his shoulder.

“Oh, this hyung,” L said, smiling brightly at G.O., looking him over, down and up. Smiling like he knew something G.O. didn't, and that made G.O. extra funny. Then he looked at Joon, like Joon knew it too. “He really is exactly like you said.” Joon hadn't said anything. But that had nothing to do with it.

Ah L was good at this. Seungho laughed, Thunder watched G.O. for a reaction, and if Joon didn't imagine it, there was the hint of a smile on his face.

“Oh, this kid!” G.O. exclaimed.

“Hm?” L said, full attention back on G.O., playing the attentive dongsaeng. “Can I help you, hyung? Or would you rather I called you oppa?”

“Aish, aish, that's not funny, I get it.” G.O. waved him off.

L's face relaxed, and suddenly his hand closed around Joon's. Joon straightened, trying to not make a big deal of it.

“Please sit down,” Thunder said, gesturing at the couch. His eyes caught their hands linked together, and he paused for a fraction of a second. And then he smiled! Joon breathed out. “We should eat something anyway, why don't we eat this now, and share?” Thunder moved for the kitchen, picking up the bag and prying items from G.O. and Mir.

“Should we help...?” L started.

“No, no, it's Thunder's turn to cook,” Seungho said.

Joon wished they'd leave them alone, but all three of them scattered into the couch and next to the table. Joon tried to pull L towards the couch.

“Ah,” L said, breaking. “I forgot, that hyung distracted me. Here.” He took his hand out from behind his back. A single, small red rose. Joon stared at it, so surprised he didn't even accept it properly, and L stepped in and fastened it in the button of his shirt.

The members ooh:ed so much, Thunder stuck his head in from the kitchen to see what was going on. Joon felt his own face heat up, and L smiled at the floor. They sat on the couch next to Seungho, with G.O. on the arm rest on the other side of Seungho, and Mir on the floor who was laughing, almost as red-faced as Joon felt.

“Doesn't this make him a brother-in-law?” G.O. said.

“Shut up, shut up,” Joon said.

“Then you are also my brothers-in-law?” L asked.

“Please stop,” Seungho said, smacking G.O. again. “You can't win against this dongsaeng so please stop, it's embarrassing.”

“Are you free this weekend?” Mir asked L.

“I have some things in the mornings, but I did some extra work this week to clear up the weekend,” L answered honestly.

“Don't you work in Japan also?”

“The activities there are done for now. So not for a while, at least.”

“It's difficult, out of the country, not knowing the language, all that,” Seungho said.

The evening progressed like that. They made idle conversation, Thunder came with the food, it felt like another night with the members. L blended in just fine.

“How did you get here?” Joon asked.

“A manager dropped me off on the way back. You think your members are bad, you should have heard mine when I got out of the car,” L said, smiling at the memory.

“Hear, hear,” Mir said. “We're excellent brothers!”

Was this what it would be like? Life with L. It had been fun to sneak out with him, but it was also fun, and more relaxed, to be with him like this, among people. This was what it would have been like to see a girl; no hiding, no worries that way. He could have brought her to meet the members, and she would have brought gifts. He looked with admiration at L. L really had some good sense, like G.O. had said. Instead of being a mysterious enemy, he'd made himself a friend to the family.

Joon showed L around the dorm, and his own possessions, as few as they were. There were some stuffed animals to meet, that made L laugh. Then L had to get back.

In the car, L said, “Sunggyu said that if I didn't come back tonight, he and the others would come save me in the morning.”

Joon snickered at that. “No option for you staying? Only me kidnapping you?”

“Everyone seems to think I'm the helpless princess in this relationship.”

“I think I'm stronger than you,” Joon considered.

L looked at him funny.

“Err, I don't mean, that is, I'm just thinking. It doesn't mean anything.”

“Eh,” L said, shrugging slightly. “I like it.”

“You do?”

“Like I said, I like someone who will hold on to me. Maybe literally too.”

Joon felt heat in his stomach and in his cheeks, thinking about that. “But don't you feel that... I mean, you're also a man.”

“Hm? You like a manly man?” L asked.

“Aigo, no, not like that, I'm just asking. I mean, I don't dislike. I like guys too, not guys who are like girls, but... ya, can't you just answer the question.”

L chuckled. “I don't think it makes me less manly to like guys who are stronger than me. A man isn't just someone who can fight with his body. A businessman, for example, he fights with his mind, outsmarting opponents. A rich man in a suit didn't get that suit by being strong.”

“Ahh,” Joon said. “You mean like you defeated G.O. today?”

“I guess so,” L said, laughing. “Although, that wasn't a defeat, was it? It was just playing around.”

“Oooh, you think so? I can't do that, even if it's just playing, it feels like fighting, and G.O. always wins. I must be very bad at fighting with my mind.”

“We have a good balance, then,” L said.

“But I bet you're strong too,” Joon said. “Not all idols are, but I think you are. You never show off your body though.”

“Hoya-hyung and Woohyun-hyung are the abs in our group,” L said. “I like my role; it suits me. I don't need to take away from theirs.”

“Your role? Ah you're the quiet cool guy, that all the girls swoon for.”

L laughed. But didn't protest.

The drive was over.

“Do you want to come inside?” L asked.

What was this? Joon eyed him. Before he hadn't wanted him to, both times.

“This is the third date,” L said.

“Ya!” Joon said. “Is this your idea of seducing me?”

L laughed. “No, I just thought... we didn't get any alone time.”

“We'll see each other tomorrow,” Joon said.

“So you're not coming inside?” L looked at him shyly.

Ah, even when he knew L was doing these things on purpose, he couldn't help himself. He really wanted to, he really wanted to get down right there in the car, but that wasn't how it worked. It wasn't what it should be. He shook his head. Was that okay? Would L be mad?

“I'll see you tomorrow, then,” L said, as if he'd expected it.

“This time I'll really pick you up,” Joon said.

“Mm, but call first, so I can be ready.”

He promised. L got out, and he drove home.

That night, after they'd turned the lights out, Thunder said, “He seems nice.”

“Ooh, Cheundeong-ah,” Joon said. “I'm so happy you say that.”

“It's not that I didn't like him before,” Thunder said defensively. “I just didn't know him. It seemed strange, all of it. But I can see you two together now, it makes sense.”

It made perfect sense. Joon had put the rose under his pillow. Thunder said he'd squash it, but he still kept it there. Maybe it would make him dream of L. It did make him fall asleep properly, at least.

He got some extra hours of sleep, and then the morning and afternoon was filled with things to do. He kept thinking about it the whole day. The way L had looked up through his lashes at him. _Do you want to come inside?_ What had he planned? The rest of Infinite were right there, L shared a room same as everyone else, it wasn't like they could make out on the couch while the members went on with their night around them. There were so few messages today too. Joon send an extra few of his own to balance it. He felt nervous about seeing L again. They had been going out a few times now, they were both young, healthy adults, he couldn't keep making excuses. He really did want to, but it made him freeze up to think of it. He got too nervous. L knew it was his first time with a guy, he shouldn't have too high expectations, but Joon had expectations damn it. It had to be perfect.

L was a patient boyfriend. There hadn't been a hint of pressure applied since Joon had turned him down that first night, although he'd not been shy about showing he wanted it. This made Joon the girl again, didn't it! Agh he had to stop thinking like this. They were both guys. That's what was great. But L was still very understanding, so Joon made extra efforts. Bought new fancy schampoo to smell nice, picked out his best clothes, considered makeup but ended up skipping it. He wanted to dress up, not put on a stage costume. Then he felt stupid and overdressed, but what the hell, why not. L could change if he felt underdressed.

He ran up the steps to Infinite's dorm door, thinking it had quickly become familiar, and the door opened before he rang the bell.

“I said to call before you came,” L said.

“I'm sorry, I forgot,” Joon said, immediately distracted because L looked amazing. He must have done something special too. He wore a long-sleeved blue turtleneck and black vest, both rather unassuming, but they hung very nicely on his shoulders. Joon liked those shoulders. He felt the fabric of the vest. “I like what you're wearing.”

“Come inside, you'll like it even more,” L murmured, turning them around so he could close the front door.

Joon went ahead inside. Nobody was there. “Where are your members?”

“Away,” L said. “Most of them went out with friends, I think someone went to see their parents, I don't remember.”

Joon sniffed. The place smelled like food.

“I thought we could stay in, so I'm cooking,” L said. “Is that okay?”

“Sure,” Joon said immediately, then started wondering what staying in meant.

“There's still some stuff to do, since you didn't warn me.”

“I'll help you,” Joon offered.

They cooked dinner. L had to admit to not being great at it, Joon got to see a new side of him fussing over the pot wondering if this was done or it was time to add that, but Joon wasn't exactly a cooking expert either so he wasn't going to judge. It was kind of cute. And when it was finished, he looked at the steaming food and felt proud of them both.

“Ah, I hope it tastes okay,” L said, as they sat down by the table.

“Did you learn to cook this from your mother?” Joon asked.

“Yeah, a long time ago, I haven't done it in a while,” L said. “We usually make easier food for the members, we don't have time.”

It tasted great. Joon ate until he really couldn't fit more, then spread over the couch. “Ahh,” he said happily. “This is great, you should cook more often, L.”

L laughed. “Don't get too used to it.”

L's arm was behind his head on the back of the couch. When had it moved there? Joon stayed where he was, trying to remember. L was sneaky.

They chatted a little about everything and nothing, too full of food to think of proper conversation. Joon made aegyo faces that made L laugh. L had also eaten quite a lot, Joon thought, but not as much as he. Then L fetched the laptop to show him the photos they'd taken together. They huddled together to see the screen, and when L was busy with both hands on the keyboard, Joon put his arm around his shoulders. He could be sneaky too. L smiled a little but didn't react otherwise.

“This one,” L said.

Joon looked. It was in the park, and he thought it was himself standing under a tree. The picture had been edited somehow, so the colors were sharper, the grass greener than real grass, the sky more blue. Joon's silhouette merged with the shadow of the tree, a sharp black pool. “It's really cool,” he said.

“I like it.” L smiled. “You have model qualities. Trust a photographer. I can see it.”

Joon laughed. “You can barely see me.”

“In the other photos too,” L explained. “But in this one... it's like, your body becomes one with the nature around. The shape, the pose is just right. I think I like that you can't see that it's you. It's like your self has mixed with the world so deeply it can't be separated.”

“You're really too much,” Joon said.

“What?”

“You can do mind battles, and you're strong, and you're artistic too. Mind,” he tapped L's head. “Body,” he put his palm against L's chest. “How can you have everything.”

“I'm just better at hiding my flaws,” L teased.

“Ya,” Joon said fondly, “what flaws should I be hiding?”

“None.” L's eyes sparkled at him. “I like all of you. Everything about Lee Joon, I like.”

Joon leaned closer, lured in by L's beautiful smile, and L kissed him hungrily, digging his fingers into his hair and holding on like he was afraid something would tear them apart. Oh god, Joon wanted him. Wanted him so bad. Would the other members return soon, or late? Was...

L pulled away. “Dance for me,” he said.

“What?” Joon felt dazed; dizzy.

“Not like on stage, I mean like you learned, real dance. The art.”

Ah, could he really dance like this? He got up, testing his legs. L's eyes followed him.

“We have to move the table,” Joon said.

L got up and they moved the dishes to the kitchen, and put the table away to make some space. The room was still kind of small, Joon checked the distance while he thought about what to do.

“Do you need music?” L asked.

Joon looked around. “Sing something. Something you like.”

“Ah, really?”

Joon nodded. He found a place to start, closed his eyes and waited for a rhythm. L had sat down on the couch, and started singing softly.

There was dancing, and there was _dancing_. Joon did a lot of the first, following a choreography, letting the music take the reigns of his body. The latter was harder. It was, in a way, the other way around. It was about taking the reigns yourself, forgetting about anything outside, surrounding yourself with only your own flow. He tried, and was a bit too self-conscious at first, but L kept watching, motionless, his mysterious eyes hiding any sign of what he was thinking, and somehow that made Joon forget about him, forget about seeking his approval. Instead he followed his own beat on a mad dash hunt, like running with your toes against the ground and the wind in your hair, chasing the one single thing in the world that matters. When he finished, breathing heavily, on his knees in front of L, he knew why. What his body and his emotion was trying to say.

He felt the neck of his tank top. The fabric was very thin, he could do it. He wrapped his fingers into it, and jerked, and ripped it apart, top to bottom. The dance had strained him a little, toned his muscles.

L gave up a shocked breath, stopped singing, just breathed.

Was it too much? Too stupid? He lingered for a moment, wondering. Then L leaned forward and kissed him. The world disappeared again. L was gentle, tender, one hand resting on his neck, but he couldn't keep it that way for long, soon he was sucking greedily on Joon's lips, pulling him with him back into the couch. Joon straddled his legs and L ran both his hands over his exposed chest, sliding his fingertips along the groves between his muscles.

“Fuck,” L whispered. “I want you so much.”

Joon kissed him again and rolled the vest down his shoulders. L worked himself out of it, not breaking the kiss, and Joon's hands found skin...? Surprised, Joon leaned forward, looking over L's shoulder. Oh wow. The back of his shirt was open, just a wide mesh of a few bands of blue keeping it together. L moaned into his shoulder.

“This, this,” Joon said, having forgotten how to use words.

“It's stage clothes, I stole it for you, shut up, just kiss me again.”

Joon followed orders, while his hands explored L's back. Soft, smooth skin, hard muscles underneath. Wait, had he just said he stole it for Joon? Joon forced their heads apart, grabbed L's jaw to keep it that way. “You stole it?”

L licked his lips. “I thought you'd like it. I'll put it back later.”

“I want to see it.”

“Ah, don't.” L hid his face in embarrassment as Joon turned him around while simultaneously getting off of him, crawling over to sit behind him.

He ran his hand over it again. L's back was beautifully toned. He did have a great body, just like Joon had suspected. Manly, in that lean, elegant way. He smiled at himself, let his hand follow the lines down until the shirt ended, and his fingers found the waist of his pants.

L turned his head to look at him over his shoulder.

“When are your members coming back?” Joon asked.

L took his hand. “Not until late.” He got out of the couch and led Joon to his bedroom. They were barely inside before Joon, having watched his back through the shirt, watched the muscles move and flex as he walked, grabbed him and kissed his neck.

“Ah, Lee Joon,” L said. “The wall.” He tried to move towards the wall. Joon followed, and the force of both of them moving slammed L against the wall. Joon came up, worried, too hard? L was breathing hard, fumbling with the front of Joon's pants, seemingly unconcerned. He liked the shirt too much to take L out of it. He unbuttoned L's pants instead, sliding his hand down the back cupping his ass.

L moaned into the kiss, and then disappeared, as he dropped to his knees pulling Joon's pants and underwear with him. Joon stepped out of his pants automatically when L pulled at them, only after the fact getting embarrassed, but he didn't have much time to be. L's hands slid back up his legs, and L took one quick look at his swelling erection and nuzzled in, licking his balls, closing his hand around his cock. Joon groaned and supported himself with his arms against the wall.

“Want you so much,” L said, planting kisses up the shaft, ending with one on the tip, before sliding it into his mouth.

So hot. Joon glanced down and embarrassing, begging sounds came out of him as he saw L down there, lips wrapped around him. L popped the head out of his mouth again.

“Hand,” he demanded. Joon gave him his left hand, and L guided it to his hair. “It's okay, pull as much as you want,” he said, before diving down again, working his way further onto Joon's cock.

He may have said so, but Joon still tried to control himself, curling his fingers against L's scalp. Oh god it was too much, he wanted this to last a long time, it was their first time together, it was supposed to be perfect. He used his other hand to pry himself free from L's hand, and when L was unwilling, pulled L up by his hair. L groaned in pain, getting to his feet.

“I'm sorry,” Joon said. “Come to the bed.”

“Mmm, don't apologize,” L said. “Never apologize to me like this.” His eyes were drunk with lust and sex, his lips wet. Joon grabbed his shirt and pulled him along. When he turned them around and tossed L down on the bed, L breathed out like it hurt, but in a way that said he really, really liked it, and touched himself through his pants.

Joon wasn't endlessly stupid, he could read the signs. Was L... could it be that he...? Joon stripped out of his own shirt, while L kicked out of his socks and pants, and Joon helped him with the underwear. Ah, L's cock. Joon reached for it, but then L tried to take the shirt off and Joon had to reroute to stop him.

“Keep it,” he said, on all fours over him.

L grinned at him.

Joon was willing to accept any amount of teasing if he could watch L's back move through the mesh some more.

“On one condition,” L said.

“What,” Joon asked.

“Fuck me in it.”

Ah shit. Joon kissed him to stop him from saying more things.

“Is it okay?” L asked when Joon pulled up again.

“I, uh, I haven't, I don't want to hurt you.”

“Don't worry about that,” L said, chewing on his lip. He slid upwards in the bed, opening the nightstand and picking out something. Lube. Joon saw condoms in there and crawed up and picked one up. “You don't need to,” L said.

What? Joon hesitated.

“It's just me, right?” L said. “Then there's no reason.”

Wow. Joon wasn't used to being trusted this much. People saw him as a bit silly and flakey. “Isn't there other reasons?”

L ran a hand through his hair, flipping the lube open with his other hand. “I'm clean, and it'll only be you. You don't trust me? You plan on cheating on me?” His body looked so beautiful like this Joon had to touch it. He dropped the condom back into the drawer and gripped L's sides, following the smooth curve where his torso widened. L smiled at him like he'd won.

Trouble, trouble, Seungho had said. That hyung was always right. “Only you,” Joon said. Only L, forever and ever. L smiled, took his hand and poured some lube over it.

Joon looked at his glistening hand. “I, uh, I kind of know how to do this, but...”

“One finger at a time,” L said. “You'll figure it out.”

Joon crawled back down, careful not to get the sheets dirty, and rubbed L's cock gently with his other hand while he found the spot and worked one finger in. L breathed like that again, like something very good was going on, and slid his hands over the sheets. Even like this, one leg over Joon's shoulder, he looked like art. Joon concentrated on working his finger right, trying not to be distracted by L's heaving chest, L licking his lips as pleasure glazed over his eyes.

“Two,” L said.

Joon pulled out and worked another finger in. This was tight. Was he really putting his...? That seemed like it would hurt. Then again. Joon slid his hand over the inside of L's thigh, and gently, gently, let his fingernails catch, and a little more, and a little more.

“Ahh,” L breathed, arching his back a little.

Yeah. L got off on the pain. Joon wasn't really interested in how much pain, he wasn't going to inflict injury, no way. But good to know. He switched to three fingers on his own initiative.

“Curl, bend your fingers a little, like this,” L showed him with his own hand. “That way yes, I, ah, ah, Lee Joon, ahhhh, fuck me, I want you, so much, now, now.”

There was something here, something his fingers were nudging like this, that made L writhe and curse at him. He couldn't possibly fuck him yet, he was way too...

L kicked him away, sat up and grabbed his cock and pumped it hard a few times, making Joon groan and almost double over with surprise. “Lee Joon,” L said, panting, “Fuck me. Now.”

With his other hand he felt around and found the lube bottle, and poured some over Joon's cock. Joon twitched from the cold liquid, but L jacked him, slower now, heating it up. L was looking at his cock in his hand like he was going to eat it. Joon forced his head up and kissed him, to distract him, but also to calm his own nerves. He was going to fuck L. Fuck. L. He moaned into the kiss, so turned on by his own toughts that L's grip on his cock was almost painful.

“I said fuck me,” L said, in a tone that would not be denied.

“Okay, okay,” Joon said, prying L's hand off. “I'm doing it.”

L turned around, up on his hands and knees. Joon lingered for a moment. This gave him perfect view of L's back through the shirt, as well as his ass in the air, and god, the sight was magnificent.

“Lee Joon!” L urged.

“I'm going, I'm going,” Joon said, shocked out of his fascination. With the first press of his erection against L's ass, L whimpered and pushed back against him. The tip slid in. L groaned, much deeper this time, as Joon let his hands roam over his skin, finding a good grip to push into. Inch by inch his cock disappeared, swallowed up into the melting heat. L was groaning all the time now, clawing at the sheets.

“Am I hurting you?” Joon asked carefully.

“Oh god yes,” L said, but in a way that left absolutely no doubts as to what he thought of that. He reached back and jacked himself slowly, moaning like nothing better could ever happen to him.

Joon found the right angle and shoved the last bit in, his instincts immediately lashing back telling him he'd gone too fast, as L cried out and the muscles in his back rippled. He'd been told not to apologize, so he bit his lip and held still for a moment.

L breathed, letting his insides adjust. Joon felt him clamp around his cock. It was tight, so tight, so gloriously tight and hot he wondered how long he could last like this. L's voice, hoarse with desire, did nothing to keep him grounded.

“Move,” L ordered, rocking against him a little.

“Hold still,” Joon said, holding his hips and starting on a slow rhythm. Ah, he was really doing it, he was fucking L. He wanted more of him, wanted to touch all of him, but he had to hold on to L's hips or lose his mind. L switched arm, then bent over and rested on his elbow, still jacking himself to the same rhythm as Joon was fucking him. He loosened up just slightly, enough that Joon dared pick up the pace, soon slamming into his ass, grunting, probably sounding possessed, but L was making the same sounds. Joon bent forward over him, running his hand over his back, long lean muscles cut off by soft fabric.

And L's back was fantastic, it turned him on so much, but he wanted to see L's face. He paused, and L made protesting noises.

“Turn around,” Joon said.

L flipped over immediately, spreading his legs. Joon got his legs over his shoulders and pushed back in.

“Ahhh!” L arched his back so beautifully, throwing his head back, that Joon pulled out all the way just so he could penetrate him and see it again, hear his breathy moans and feel him flex desperately around his cock. They found their rhythm again. L had a hand in his own hair, writhing and... was he pulling his own hair? Joon caught his arms and held them down, using them to support himself.

It didn't take long before L was cursing at him.

“Ah, fuck, Joon, Lee Joon, let go of me, ahhh, fuck, I.” L tried to pull his arms free.

He wanted someone stronger than himself, right? Someone who would hold on to him. Joon ignored him, pumping his ass, enjoying the way he squirmed.

“Ah, do what you did before,” L said, his need finding some kind of coherency, his words punctuated by Joon's thrusts.

“What,” Joon panted.

“Hurt me,” L said. “Like you did, ah, before, my leg. Hurt me.” Joon shook his head, which was useless because L's eyes were closed. But then L opened his eyes, intense and dark with lust, and said, “Do it,” in that tone again.

Could he? Should he? Joon was so close himself, but he didn't want to come alone. So he leaned forward and pulled up the shirt and set his fingernails against L's chest.

“Ahh, do it,” L's chest lifted against his hand. “Hurt me.”

Fuck, the way he said it was like liquid sex, Joon didn't want to, but L's demanding, hungry moaning seduced him, his body was literally hurting for not doing what L wanted. He raked his nails down L's chest, and L bucked up, crying out, howling, first out of pain, then he was coming, shooting white cum onto the red scratches on his stomach. Panting like his body couldn't get enough oxygen, L looked up at Joon through dark eyelashes, swimming in the aftershocks of pleasure, jacking himsef to milk out the last drops. His ass cramped around Joon's cock, pulsing, enhancing the rhythm.

“Ah, hyung. Come inside me,” L said, voice thick and raw, and Joon slammed in uncontrollably once, twice, and came, feeling L's eyes on him.

Everything blacked out for a while. He probably rolled off L, L might have rubbed his chest and wispered something like “You're so good to me,” and then he wasn't sure, not until he came to, spread on his back on the bed, from a sudden sound.

“Hm?” he mumbled and blinked at the ceiling light.

L lowered the camera.

Ack. He was still naked. “What are you doing,” he said, sitting up. His body protested against the movement, wanted to linger. “Where... Did I... how long was I out?”

L snickered. “Just a moment. I cleaned us up and fetched the camera, that's all.”

“You can't take pictures,” Joon said, looking at himself. He looked normal, at least, so L hadn't drawn on him or anything. Which was silly to suspect, but living with four other guys had taught him to be wary.

“I know, I'll delete it,” L promised. “But you were so beautiful, I had to take one. So I can at least pretend I can keep it.” There was a fragile tenderness in his voice. Happiness for what he had, sadness for what he couldn't have.

Joon looked at him properly for the first time since... well. This was one of those moments, wasn't it? From now on his life would be measured in Before and After Fucking L. L looked beautiful as always, hair a mess, still wearing the shirt, in his underwear now. It was gray, Joon noted. Last time he'd seen it, his mind had been entirely somewhere else.

“Are you...?” Joon leaned over and lifted the hem of the shirt.

L pushed it down again, but Joon saw the red streaks. They looked pretty deep, actually, had he drawn blood? He looked at his own hand but it was clean. L could of course have cleaned it. “Don't worry about it, hyung. But this shirt, can I really return it like this? What if it smells,” L said and smelled his own arm.

“You're the only one who wears it, aren't you?” Joon said.

“I hope so,” L laughed.

“I'm sorry, I left you with, um.” With the cleaning up, and the post orgasm panic that some people sometimes had, no names mentioned, when reality caught up. Joon was, in a sense, happy he'd passed out. He wasn't sure his post orgasm self could have handled the idea of almost having drawn L's blood. And L might not have appreciated his freaking out. He found his own underwear on the floor and put it on. He couldn't find the tank... ah right. He'd ripped it. Damn, it had been expensive, and a favorite.

He looked up and saw L, and remembered the look on L's face, L's eyes following the rip down, and screw it, it was worth it.

L just said, “I'm glad you enjoyed yourself today, hyung.”

It sounded like they'd had drinks together. Except there was a teasing tone to it, a sort of... “You... you seduced me,” Joon finally put two and two together. “The food, the shirt, the dancing...!”

L laughed. “Wasn't it obvious? I thought you were playing along.”

“You really are some kind of devil.”

“I'm sorry, I didn't want to rush you, but I couldn't wait any longer. I figured, I might as well try, Lee Joon is an adult, he can say no if he doesn't want to.”

Joon thought about what he'd done, and wondered if that was true. He'd never had a chance to say no, all night long, someone might as well have asked him to pick down the moon as say no to anything L wanted.

“So, um, hyung, is it okay?”

He looked over at L, and was surprised by how vulnerable he looked, picking at his fingernails, eyes skipping this way and that. “Um, sure,” Joon said. “I don't mind being seduced, actually.”

L shook his head, looking nervous. “Not that. Um. This is a little...” He took a new breath. “I told you that I'm a bit... _demanding_.”

Oh, that. Joon wasn't quite sure just yet. “Isn't that going to be a problem?” he asked, gesturing at L's chest. “What if they want to take pictures of you shirtless?”

L shook his head again. “They don't, they pick the hyungs for that, or I can put on makeup.” He fidgeted, almost looked like he would cry.

“It's fine, it's fine,” Joon hurred to say. “I don't mind. I've never... well, there's a lot of things I've never done before today. We'll figure it out.” He honestly wasn't sure he didn't mind, it felt strange now afterwards having hurt him, and it hadn't been something he'd wanted to do at the time either. Except the way L had writhed under him, had had his fingers _aching_ to hurt him. No, that wasn't it. Or in a way, but... Anyway. To say that he hated it would also not be right, and the reaction from L was worth it. There would be things he wanted to do that L might not be extatic about too, right?

L licked his lips and nodded.

“Is this why your other boyfriends didn't work out?” Joon asked.

“It's one reason, I guess,” L said shyly. “But there's a much bigger reason they didn't.”

Bigger? “What?” Joon asked warily.

“They weren't you,” L said, with a crooked smile.

Joon laughed. “Aish, you're way too good at this.”

“It sounds like lines,” L said, then corrected himself, “I make it into lines, but they're true, like the messages. It's all true. It's easier to say like that, like I'm feeding you lines, but...” He looked up at Joon, and his gaze alone made Joon feel warm all over. “I love you.”

Joon smiled, then frowned, then fought with himself. He couldn't say it was still too soon. Not after this. But he couldn't say it either, it all balled up to this big happy fuzzball in his stomach and he didn't know how to approach it. It felt like setting it free would consume him.

“It's okay,” L smiled. “When you were dancing, dancing is also an art, and art is supposed to say something. Like this.” L picked up the camera and held up the display for Joon. It was Joon, spread on the bed, naked.

“Aish,” Joon said, and pushed it away.

“You don't have to be modest with me, I already saw it,” L said. “Just look at it.”

So Joon looked. He saw a lot of himself, dancing in front of the mirror, monitoring performances, watching himself on variety shows, but never like this. So completely relaxed, lost to the world, one arm and one leg halfway fallen off the bed. There was a shadow on the bed, from L, just barely touching Joon's hip. Contact, while separated.

“I wish I could keep it,” L whispered, touching the display. “It's not just that this was our first time, or that you're so beautiful... I mean handsome,” he laughed when Joon poked him, “It's a good photo. It says something. And when you danced before, Joon-hyung, it said something too. So you don't have to say it.”

It had said something. Joon had felt it too. “What does this photo say?” he asked, because it was still difficult to talk about that kind of emotion. He had no trouble talking about liking, or telling someone he liked them, but when it came to that... He'd never said it to anyone except his mother, other than for jokes on shows.

“You don't want to hear that, it's just me rambling,” L said.

“If I ask, I want to hear it,” Joon said.

L shyly lowered his gaze to the camera display. “So cool,” he said.

What was cool about that? He was just being honest.

“I think this photo,” L said, “it's about the vulnerability of love, isn't it? The shadow creates a presence, reminds us that there's a photographer, another person watching. The person you can see, you see everything; he's completely left defenseless. While the person taking the photo is a complete unknown, it could be anyone with any intention. But the way the shadow is touching, just a little, it's like saying that even if the photographer thinks he's untouchable, the one in power, the one in control, he can't control his shadow, it still connects them even if neither of them knows.”

“Like your poem?” Joon asked.

L looked surprised, in a happy way. “You remember that?”

“I liked that one a lot.”

“We visit a lot of the same places. Before Sungyeol brought me along one of the times you went out drinking, that was the only way I could be connected to you.”

Joon's turn to be surprised. “How long have you liked me?”

L scratched his head. “It's not like that, I've been interested for a while, but not liking you for real until recently. When Sungyeol started bringing back stories, it grew on me, before I knew it.”

Joon beamed. L put the camera aside.

“The others will be back soon, let's just get a few moments.” L scooted down, laying back.

Snuggle? Absolutely. Joon slid in next to him and L threw a blanket over them. Joon found a comfortable place with his head on L's shoulder, and put his arm over L's body, hugging him close. This morning he would have been embarrassed about that kind of contact, but now it seemed only right. L was his. L was his?

“You're mine,” Joon said.

L smiled into his hair. “I am,” he agreed.

“And I'm yours?”

“You better be.”

“I am,” Joon decided.

“Hyung.”

“Mm?”

“Why are you calling me L-goon?”

He did? Ah right. “Sungyeol said Infinite does.”

“I'm sure he did. They mostly do when they think I'm being stuck up and difficult. Or when they want something.”

Oh. “What should I call you then? Just L?”

L chuckled. “Don't you think you're close enough to call me Myungsoo?”

“Myungsoo-yah,” Joon said. “Mm, it works. Is it okay? I thought maybe you didn't like it. Um, Sungyeol, well, it seemed they used it to tease you too.”

L hummed. “I don't really get it. They say there's an L-goon who is cold and cool and handsome, and there's Myungsoo who is dorky and stubborn and cute. I'm the same person! But they think it's fun, I guess.”

“I get it,” Joon said. Which was rare. That he got things other people didn't.

“Eyy,” L said affectionately. “Shouldn't you be on my side, hyung.” Pause. “It's a little weird to call you hyung for some reason.”

“You say Lee Joon all the time,” Joon pointed out.

“It was always how I thought of you, not like hyung, but Lee Joon. And I like the sound of it. Lee Joon. Lee Joon.”

“Stop saying it.” Joon poked his side, and he squirmed and laughed. “It sounds like you're calling me out, presenting me on a show.”

“What's your real name?”

“Changsun,” Joon said. “But only my mother says that. My members say Joon. Joonie.”

“Changsun. Changsun-hyung. Changsun-ah.”

“How about oppa?”

L kneed him. “You don't like Changsun-ah?”

“I don't know. Call me what you want.”

“I like Lee Joon. But I'll try using the others too.”

Joon felt so relaxed, lazily making conversation, breathing in time with L. He shouldn't fall asleep though. They should clean up before the rest of Infinite returned.

 

Mmmm, hungry. He opened his eyes, thinking about it. Was it worth getting out of this warm, comfortable place? But he was really, really hungry, it felt like he hadn't eaten in forever. No. Yes. He tried to roll right to find his phone, but instead fell out of bed. What? Confused, he sat up, and heard someone groan and move nearby, too close to be Thunder. In the dim light, he peeked up over the bed and tried to see.

L! He was in L's room! Infinite's dorm! Where they'd...! And... it was night. They'd fallen asleep. What was the time? Trying to get his brain working, he searched around and found his pants on the floor, and his phone. He'd turned off the sound. Several missed calls and a few messages. Probably his members wondering where he was. He used the display light to check around. The other bed in the room was empty. Who was supposed to sleep there? He didn't know who L roomed with. How could he not know that?

Either way he was starving. He found the door and snuck out, felt his way to the kitchen and turned on the light. Their dirty dishes, the pots and bowls of uneaten food, it was all gone. Infinite had cleaned it up for them. Joon stared at the clean kitchen, feeling like he'd been accepted by the extended family. It was too nice. But hunger drove him on and he opened the fridge and found a bottle of something and some leftovers from the dinner. He sat by the tiny table in the kitchen and ate.

A few moments later, Dongwoo wandered in, in t-shirt and underwear, looking sleepy.

“Hello,” Joon said, bowing where he sat.

Dongwoo hummed in response.

“Did I wake you up?”

Dongwoo shook his head. “Water.” He waddled up to the sink and got a glass of water. Rubbing his eyes sleepily he sat on the chair opposite the table. “Hello, hyung.”

“Hello,” Joon said again. “Thank you for doing the dishes.”

Dongwoo shook his head. “It was the others. Sungjong. Woohyun.”

“Are you rooming with L?”

“Yes. I'm sleeping on the couch, it's okay, it's a good couch.”

“I'm sorry,” Joon said. “I didn't mean to stay.”

Dongwoo eyed him. “Aren't you supposed to say the opposite? Isn't it having sex and running off usually the thing people apologize for?”

“It's uncomfortable for you.”

“Uncomfortable? We're jealous, maybe. Sunggyu-hyung has been whining about not having a girlfriend more than usual lately. Hm, if you mean Sungyeol,” Dongwoo said, “He's always been a little jealous of L. Maybe he's just extra stingy now because of that.”

“He's jealous of L?” That was the first Joon heard of that.

“It's just a pet peeve. He's mostly joking. He's complained that L is so handsome, that L gets all the attention, stuff like that, but I don't think it's serious. He and L are like best friends, so it doesn't seem to be serious.”

Ah, Joon had heard that. Sungyeol had mentioned at some point that he thought L was the most handsome one in Infinite, and that he wished he was the most popular one, it was the kind of thing all idols said when drunk so Joon hadn't considered it.

“I should go,” Joon said.

“Don't be silly, hyung,” Dongwoo said. “You're already here, you might as well stay until morning. What will L say if you disappear in the middle of the night? Or do you have schedule this morning?”

He didn't, not very early at least. He could stay, and drive right to make-up. “There'll be talk.”

“Ehh, really? Has it never happened that you've gotten drunk and stayed over with a friend, because you shouldn't drive like that?”

“Hm, yes, I guess. Is it really okay?”

Dongwoo patted his shoulder. “You're a boyfriend now. You have to start thinking like one. Leaving your partner in the middle of the night?” He shook his head. “You have to do better than that, hyung. Especially with L.” Then he got up, put the glass away and waddled back to the living room.

What about his bed? But maybe he didn't want to sleep in there when Joon was there. Joon snuck back into L's room and into bed. L immediately put an arm around him.

“Where did you go?” L mumbled.

“Hungry,” Joon said. “I ate some leftovers. Go back to sleep.”

“I thought you might have left.”

“What kind of boyfriend would I be, to sneak out in the middle of the night,” Joon said.

“Mmmm,” L hummed cutely and burrowed in next to him. “You were going to, weren't you.”

“No, I - I really wasn't,” Joon stuttered.

“You really can't,” L mumbled.

“I'll be a better boyfriend,” Joon promised. But L was already back asleep.

Morning came, Dongwoo came with his eyes covered looking for his clothes. When Joon told him they were decent, he peeked through his fingers, saw them, and turned his back.

“What?” Joon laughed, embarrassed.

Dongwoo walked sideways around them to get to his bed. “Why is L wearing that shirt?” he asked. “Do I want to know?”

“Probably not,” Joon admitted. He looked over and saw L, asleep, on his stomach. The blue shirt with the open back showing endless miles of exposed soft skin. He dug his hand in between the bands and rubbed L's back.

L mewled softly and blinked at him like a kitten just opening its eyes.

Dongwoo had turned around and was staring at L.

“Good morning,” Joon said, self-conscious.

L smiled at him. Ah if only Joon could wake up like this every day.

“I have to go soon, I need to get to make-up, we're going on a live radio show. You know, the kind where they film you all the time.”

L nodded sleepily, squinting at the light.

“I'll call you. We should meet again soon.”

Joon moved to get out of the bed, and L grabbed his arm and pulled him back.

Sungyeol entered. “Everyone up, it's time for...” his eyes caught sight of Joon and L. “Breakfast.” He stayed, frozen, staring at them.

Dongwoo found the things he was looking for and left.

“I love you,” L whispered. Joon felt stupid over how happy that kept making him. He was probably looking stupid too, smiling this much. L let go of him. He kissed L's temple and got up, found his clothes on the floor and pulled them on while pushing past Sungyeol.

Woohyun whistled at him, standing in the doorway to the kitchen with a plate in his hand.

“Good-bye,” Joon said, bowing, buttoning his shirt. He had nothing under since his tank top was ripped. No one would notice. He might get cold, though.

“No shower?” Woohyun asked.

Joon paused. Checked his phone. “Ah, could I? Don't you need it?”

Woohyun checked his phone too. “You have three minutes before Sunggyu-hyung comes barging in there like a sleepy bear.”

Joon had showered in less.

When he came out from the shower, bumping into Sunggyu in the doorway, the door to L's room was closed, and the rest of Infinite were spread in the couch and kitchen eating.

“We'll give him a few extra minutes,” Dongwoo said. “Good luck today, hyung.”

Seemed fair enough.

 

For six days, L kept sending him messages. Quite a few of them just contained a few words, but they were still signs that L kept thinking about him. Then on Sunday Seungho was going out drinking with Dongwoo. L and Joon decided to tag along, and to minimize the risk for rumors, everyone agreed they should bring some extra friends. When they actually arrived, it turned out some of those friends were female.

“I thought you didn't have female friends,” Joon asked L.

“Ah, well, most of them aren't mine,” L said, gesturing at Sungyeol who had also come, and Dongwoo.

Seungho came over and put his arms over both their shoulders. “You two don't just talk to each other, now, okay?”

L nodded patiently. “We're not idiots,” Joon protested.

“Some of you aren't,” Seungho said happily and ruffled his hair and turned his attention elsewhere.

They drank and ate and laughed and Joon had a good time, and L's eyes seemed to be black lines of happiness most of the time too. One of the girls Mir had brought – was it A-Pink? Joon couldn't remember – got seated next to L and spent all her attention on him. She was young, too young to know better perhaps. L talked to her, and got her drinks refilled, and made her laugh. Joon tried to not be jealous, but Seungho gave him warning glances so maybe he couldn't quite hide it.

Later in the night, Joon was feeling rather drunk, when L got up and discreetely took his arm and led him off. The others were playing a drinking game, not paying them any attention. They started in the direction of the bathrooms, but then L took off up a set of stairs, past a sign saying no entry, and into a tiny storage room. Joon barely had time to get inside before L slammed the door shut, he half expected his shirt to get stuck.

The room was almost pitch black. Only L's hand still holding on to Joon's arm gave him any idea where L was.

“What the hell are you doing?” L demanded.

“Ah-me? What?”

L's hand let go of his arm, then L pushed him in the chest, so he took a step back and hit the door. “You! With your arm around that girl right across the table from me! Aish, so annoying!”

When had he...? Ah well, he's put his arm on the back of her seat, sure, but it was just for comfort, it had more to do with her chair than with her. “She just happened to be there, I- It wasn't, I'd have done the same thing if someone else was sitting there, Seungho-hyung, anyone.”

“Did she smell nice?”

Of course she smelled nice. They all did, they wore perfume. “Ya! I'm just- I'm a guy aren't I, I sit like this, it's not flirting.”

“I'm not a guy?”

“You, too, you've been talking to that hoobae.”

“She doesn't know anyone, I was keeping her company. Did I touch her? Did my arm accidentally land behind her back?”

“That is- It's no different! I was just being normal. You've been buying her drinks!”

“I'm a sunbae, I'm expected to. I don't even like girls! I could kiss one and it wouldn't mean anything.”

“It would mean something! What, a kiss isn't a kiss just because you don't like the person? So I could go kiss everyone I hated and you wouldn't care?”

“Agh, why are you like this, it's like dating a child! No one is this innocent!”

Joon paused. “What's that supposed to mean, I'm a child?”

“It was cute that you wanted our first time to be special, but come on, 'a kiss isn't a kiss', are you stupid?”

Of all the things, Joon hadn't expected that out of L's mouth. Was it even L talking to him right now? It was so dark. He pressed his back against the door, arms crossed. A part of him wanted to leave, but he couldn't just walk away. He'd promised to be a better boyfriend, hadn't he? If only he knew how to.

“I'm sorry,” L said.

“I'm not stupid.”

“I'm sorry, I got carried away. I just saw you there with her and... I was jealous. I wish we could sit like that in public. I'm sorry, that was too much.”

“I wish we could too, Myungsoo-yah. I wish I could kiss you right there, like they do, couples that go out with their friends. Lean over and kiss, and everyone teases them. Like that.”

L's hands found him, searching through the darkness, crawled in under his shirt. “Lee Joon,” he said. “We can kiss here.”

“I really didn't put my arm around her,” Joon said.

“Ya~,” L said cutely.

“And I'm not stupid.” Joon had worked himself up now. “Everyone says that all the time, but I'm not that stupid am I? It's fine if they say it but you can't, you really can't, shouldn't you be on my side? I want to be a better boyfriend, but you should too.”

L leaned his forehead against Joon's chest. “Ya~, Lee Joon. I'm sorry.”

“We have to believe in each other don't we? It'll be hard and we can't meet all the time but I really think we should try to...”

“Lee Joon,” L said, sliding his shirt up, hooking his fingers in Joon's pants. “We're alone here. Seungho-hyung and Dongwoo-hyung will cover for us.”

“Ya, are you listening to me, I'm talking.”

“I said I'm sorry,” L said. “What more do you want?”

Joon wasn't sure. He stayed, arms crossed. “You just want my body,” he said.

“I do right now,” L said and slid down on his knees. “Let me say I'm sorry properly.”

L's hands playing over his fly had already gotten heat to pool, and L's whispers blew hot air against him. Joon fisted his hands, refusing to give a reaction at least, although the swelling bulge in his pants was what it was. L opened Joon's pants and moaned. Joon heard him lick his lips, it sent shivers up his spine. L took his time, teasing his underwear out of the way, building anticipation.

“Ah it's so nice, hyung, I love your cock.” L finally released his cock, letting the waistband of the underwear snap against his balls a little. Joon twitched involuntarily. “Hello, nice to meet you.” L said formally, and kissed the head. “I'll take good care of you.” Another kiss. “You look very delicious today.” Heat enveloped Joon as L's mouth closed around him, taking in as much as he could in one swift slide.

Joon banged the back of his head against the door once, biting his lip. No reaction, no reaction, no reaction. His arms were still crossed, but his fingers ached to feel L, dig into L's hair.

L settled in, grabbing his hips, working up and down. Joon's eyes had adjusted to the darkness, and in the minimal light that filtered in from under the door, he could just barely make out the outline of L's head bobbing up and down. Having vision all but taken away enhanced his other senses. He heard the lewd slide of his cock in L's mouth, heard L's fingers scrape against the fabric of his pants. Then L moaned around his cock, and Joon had been primed for the sound, had been listening hard, it cut right into him.

L came up for air. “Mmmmm, hyung, you're so hard for me. So beautiful.”

He couldn't see anything either, Joon thought.

“You can do whatever you want with me. Always. Whatever you want.” L's hands slid up his hips and settled, palms against his stomach. “Fuck my mouth, hyung. I want you to. I want you to do whatever you want, so you see how sorry I am.” He leaned forward and nuzzled against him, licking his cock into his mouth again. Sucked slowly, too slowly, infuriatingly slowly.

Agh. Joon grabbed his wrists and L gasped, surprised, when Joon lifted him by his arms, not enough to take his knees off the ground, but he was stuck, stretched out, getting nowhere. Joon rolled his hips forward, forcing himself deeper into L's mouth, and L moaned hungrily, taking it, wanting it. Joon had never imagined someone could moan like that from sucking cock. Like L was getting off on him, and Joon got off on that in turn. He thrust faster, switching L's wrist over to hold both with one hand and grabbing L's hair.

Joon was breathing hard, he was getting there, L was too good, always making it too good. He wanted to make it last but they should get back anyway. He fucked L's mouth until he was pushing close, and had to let go, afraid he'd lose control and hurt L too much. Panting, L backed off a little.

“Ahh, you're so thick, you're so close.” L groaned. “You're so great, your cock is so big, I want it in me, ah, I wish you could fuck me, fuck me like you fucked my mouth, like you fucked me that day, hyung, pin me down and open me up.” He pumped Joon with his hand, so close to him that every word pushed hot air against him. “Come for me, hyung, let me taste it.”

Joon slapped a hand over his own mouth and came, barely starting to shoot before L latched onto his cock again, sucking it out, swallowing down, like he couldn't stand to miss a drop. Joon slumped against the door, feeling unstable.

“Mmm,” L said, and Joon heard him fuss, wiping his mouth.

There was a sound outside, words, steps. Joon held his breath and looked at the door handle. The way he was leaned against the door, he could hold it closed if someone tried to open. They might think something was wrong with the door and leave? Light was turned on, simultaneously inside and outside the room, so hopefully the lamps were connected and it didn't mean anyone was coming. Joon glanced over at L, and _damn_.

L was still on his knees, pants open, jacking himself, looking up at Joon. The way he was breathing he wasn't far away, his eyes drunk with need, and he was so fucking beautiful with his red lips parted, panting, chest heaving, that Joon didn't care about the danger, he just wanted to watch. L closed his eyes and leaned his head back for a second, then came back up and mouthed “touch me”. Joon bent down over him and kissed him. He cupped L's jaw, forced his head back a little more than was comfortable, and bit his lip a little.

Moaning quietly into the kiss, L convulsed, shooting his load into his hand, body trembling.

Joon waited for L to come down, ass pressed against the door ready to hold it, forehead leaned against L's. L's breaths calmed down, and he sat back. Licking his lips shyly he zipped back up, and Joon helped him to his feet. People were still moving about outside, speaking, but the door muffled the sounds enough to not be able to hear what they said.

Then the lights went out again, the people walked away, and they were left alone in silence.

L corrected Joon's clothes in the dark. “So? Will you forgive me?” he murmured.

This kid. Joon caught his jaw. “Say I'm smart.”

L chuckled. Took a breath. “Oppa! You're so clever! Ah, I'm so hot for your brains, oppa!”

Joon pushed him. “Ya! You!”

“Shhh!” L laughed against his chest. He was warm and smelled nice, and Joon was still a little drunk. He put his arms around L.

“Alright I forgive you.”

L kissed him. “We have to check if anyone's out there. I've gotten several messages, it's probably Dongwoo-hyung and Sungyeol wanting to kill me.”

Joon turned around, one arm around L's waist, and carefully turned the door handle. It clicked open. He looked one way, then the other way, in the dim light in the bigger room. No one. L followed him, holding his hand, laughing quietly into his hand as Joon made a parody of sneaking along, leading the way with his finger-gun. Joon found the stairs back. L patted his shoulder.

“Wait for a moment.” He slid past, wandered back to the group like absolutely nothing was going on, sat down next to the girl and put his arm on the back of her chair. Immediately smiling and talking and handing her her drink when it was out of her reach.

Ya! Joon gripped the door frame. That little...! Agh. He waited a little more, then walked back too, sitting down next to Seungho opposite the table from L.

“Where have you been?” Seungho asked.

So they asked him, but L could come and go as he wanted? “Bathroom,” Joon said.

L snickered and kicked him under the table.

Suddenly Sungyeol leaned over L, pushing a glass his way. “You,” he said tapping L's chest. “Are not drunk enough. Here.” He took L's hand, in one smooth motion folding L's shirt arm down, and put L's hand on the glass.

L looked at the glass, slowly turning his wrist to see it through the unbuttoned sleeve. Joon caught a glimpse of it too. His skin was red where Joon had held on to him. Pretending to laugh at something someone else said, L cast a mischivous glance at Joon, folding down his other sleeve while hiding it behind the table.

Trouble, Seungho had said. Definitely trouble.

When they left, Joon took Sungyeol to the side. “Thank you,” he said, seriously.

“You're the hyung,” Sungyeol said, frowning at him. “You should be looking out for him.”

“I try, he's just, he's good at looking out for himself.”

“Really, hyung,” Sungyeol said, shaking his head. “You don't know him at all, do you.” He left, calling for Dongwoo and L to wait for him.

Joon sighed. It seemed the first law of this relationship was that L made trouble, and Joon got scolded for it.

 

 

 

Late 2012

Joon bowed to the other members of Dynamic Black, and got bows and greetings in return. They had gathered for the first time today to go through the choreography and song, the place was full of cameras and staff. It was just a fun event, picking members out of several other idol groups and putting them together like this, something they called the Color of Kpop. G.O. was in the other guy group, Dramatic Blue.

There was some showing off costumes and they talked to the cameras about their groups and that the choreography was difficult, and they were all excited. Then everyone scattered about, talking to the other members, testing the choreography a little. After the first dance practice was over, L.Joe wanted to stay around for a while. Jinwoon disappeared, Kikwang had other schedule he had to go to. Joon stayed, with L.Joe and Hoya.

“There's a lot of solo parts for me,” L.Joe said, smiling nervously into the mirror. “I'll be alone for so long. Getting all the attention like that.”

“The other guys in Teen Top are loud too, aren't they,” Joon joked. “You have to fight for your space.”

Hoya said nothing. Joon knew he was a quiet guy, but he felt like Hoya was purposefully not speaking to him. He was a litte hurt. Even if things had blown up between himself and L, he didn't want to think that things would be awkward between MBLAQ and Infinite. They had unavoidably been for a while, but it had been some time.

“Agh and this choreography.” L.Joe did a few parts. “I'm not a dancer.”

“Really?” Hoya said. “Could've fooled me.”

L.Joe snickered at his poker face. Joon wasn't sure if he was joking or not, but L.Joe seemed to assume he was. “No matter what I do I'll be better than Jinwoon-hyung,” L.Joe said.

Hoya grinned like he agreed.

Maybe it was okay. They practiced, helped L.Joe catch up on certain parts, then screwed around, playing L.Joe's part over and over forcing him to do more and more outrageous things while rapping. Eventually L.Joe collapsed on the floor, exhausted, and talked them into doing the rap. Hoya did well, Joon couldn't take it seriously. He started doing sexy dances while talking his way through the rap, chasing L.Joe around the room.

“You're like a little kid,” L.Joe laughed and punched him in the shoulder.

Joon grinned. He was glad the other guys didn't treat him too much like a hyung. Joon wasn't the leader type.

“Ah, I'm exhausted. I saw a vending machine somewhere, I'll go get something. Do you guys want anything?” L.Joe asked.

Hoya shook his head. Joon asked for a drink, anything, water if there was nothing else. L.Joe left.

The air immediately felt awkward. Joon focused on the mirror, checking some parts of the choreography. He felt like he was too slow with that third step and...

“Back off,” Hoya said.

Joon looked up, and Hoya was meeting his eyes in the mirror, wary, like he didn't want this confrontation but wasn't going to back down. “Huh?” Joon said.

“You need to take it down or I'll have to tell him what you're like.”

Joon wasn't much of a fighter, he rather hated real conflict, but still felt some part of himself rise up to the challenge. “Who?” he demanded. “What am I doing?”

“Flirting with L.Joe, I guess you've heard what everyone else heard.”

Joon didn't have any idea what Hoya was talking about. “I'm not flirting,” he said, bewildered.

Hoya snorted, crossing his arms. Whatever Joon said to calm this down was only escalating it, apparently.

“What are you talking about? What did everyone hear? Huh, what?” Joon turned around to face Hoya.

Hoya shook his head, and came up to Joon, lowering his voice. “L told us. That you attacked him, in the dressing room after the show, when he went to talk to you. We should never have let him go in there alone.”

What?!? That little...! “Attacked?!?” Joon shouted, then remembered to lower his voice. “Attacked? Me? That- that is just- I would never! He's the one who came and made trouble, it's always me who gets the blame but...” Who had attacked who here? With scissors, nonetheless!

Hoya put up a hand, rudely. “I don't want to hear it,” he said. “So now you hear L.Joe is available, and you think he's an easy victim. A weaker hoobae. So classy. I'm not going to let it happen. You keep your hands to yourself, or I'll tell him.”

“What!” Joon threw his hands up. “I'm not like this, really- _really_ , I don't know what L said, but this- and I'm not interested in L.Joe! I don't even like him, he's just some kid!”

Hoya's eyes went to the side, and he did a little nod. Feeling a black hole open up in his stomach, Joon slowly turned around. L.Joe stood in the door, holding a few snacks and two bottles of soda, looking like a rabbit that had run into wolves.

“Classy,” Hoya told Joon. Then walked over to L.Joe. “I have to get going. Good work today.” He glanced over at Joon for a second, and back to L.Joe. “Take care of yourself. I'll see you later.”

Subtle. Joon ruffled his hair, thoughts locking down in panic. L.Joe slowly took a step backwards, turned around, and left the room.

“Wait, wait!” Joon rushed after him. He was going to work with these people for a while, perform with them. They couldn't leave it like this. L.Joe waited for him in the hallway. “Wait, it's not like that, it really itsn't, Hoya tricked me. You know what I'm like, everyone knows, I'm- I talk too much, I'm a bit of a fool, yes?”

L.Joe stayed still, looking like he didn't quite know what to make of this. “It's okay, hyung,” he settled on, and handed over one of the sodas.

Joon accepted it gratefully. “Thank you,” he said. “But really, I didn't mean it, not like it sounded. Hoya, he-”

L.Joe bent his head down. “You don't have to explain, hyung. I know everyone's talking about me. It's okay.” He tossed his head, flinging his bangs out of his eyes, equal parts cool and vulnerable.

Ahhh now Joon got it. What Hoya had said, _available_ , people were saying L.Joe was into guys. “We weren't talking about that,” Joon said. “Err, I, well, I don't mind. I don't think it's anyone's business, either. Hoya tricked me, that's all. How can I not like you, I don't know you. That's what I meant, I don't know you, so you're just some kid to me right now.”

L.Joe watched him quietly. Was he not going to deny it? Joon was amazed. Was he accepting the rumors, because they were true? Was he really not going to fight to restore his reputation? Or did he just think there was no use?

“Is it true?” Joon asked. “Ah, you don't have to answer that, I just said it's no one's business. I don't think before I talk.”

“It's true,” L.Joe said, looking down at his hands, uncapping the bottle.

“Oh,” Joon said.

“I understand if you don't want to be close to me, right now. They'll talk about whoever I hang out with too. So...”

“No, no.” Joon waved his hands. “I don't mind.” He took a snack from L.Joe's hand and opened it. “Do you want to practice some more? Let's go through it one more time.”

L.Joe studied him for a few seconds, perhaps deciding what to think of Joon's open-mindedness, and then nodded. “Okay.”

They ate the snacks and practiced some more and Joon sang a little and let L.Joe critique it. L.Joe was a harsh critic, but Joon appreciated it. He felt better about his performance when he left.

But later, he thought about what Hoya had said.

Months, it had been months since he'd had anything to do with L. They hadn't spoken, hadn't met, hadn't, as far as Joon knew, gotten information about one another through common friends. Seungho and Dongwoo had stayed friends throughout and hung out, without letting it affect them. Joon hadn't talked to Sungyeol more than once, and it had been super awkward. All the while, Joon had assumed that L had told everyone the same thing as Joon had said; they'd broken up. The end.

He should have known. He should have known that L would turn people against him. Would lie and manipulate and make it his fault, make him the crazy one, the villain.

And the worst of it was, Hoya could stand there and ask him, “did you ever hurt L?” and Joon would think of all the times – of the bruises on L's wrists, of Joon pulling his head back so hard he could barely breathe, of fucking him so hard he cried actual tears – and he'd be lying if he said no. L had asked for it, no, L had fucking made him do it against his will, and it was still Joon who was the bad guy. L would put on his handsome, honest face and lower his gaze, and they'd be eating out of his hand.

How long until it leaked? How long until L would be the poster boy of innocence while Joon had his career and his dreams destroyed?

He worked out until he couldn't stand, then forced himself up and did it again, until Seungho came and stopped him, said he would hurt himself. The members gave him worried looks, and he wiped sweat-drenched hair out of his eyes and said, “This is what it takes to have this body.”

 

 

 

Late 2011

“Lee Joon!”

Joon groaned. He was resting. He had exactly ten minutes, and he wanted to be asleep nine minutes fifty seconds of those. He bundled the blanket around him more. Late autumn had turned into winter, and the dorm hadn't caught up on the heating.

“Hyung!” Thunder sat next to him. “You have to see this.”

“Whaaat,” Joon groaned, rolling over.

“It's your boyfriend, making trouble again.”

Ack what? Joon sat up, rubbing his eyes, following Thunder to Seungho's room where the rest of MBLAQ had gathered around a laptop.

“Play it again,” Seungho ordered Mir.

The clip played. L, in all-white, looking glowing as usual, the rest of Infinite around him.

“So, L, on the subject of dating, how many girls have you dated?” the MC asked.

Joon ground his teeth. This again. “Why are you showing me this?”

“Shh, wait,” Mir said.

“Many,” L said. Infinite snickered and filled in with comments like, too many to count, or just plain too many. “Actually,” L said, “I'm dating someone now.”

Joon stood up.

On screen, the rest of Infinite jumped with surprise, turning to look at him. The sound clip played again, some text appeared on the screen “what did L just say...?” and the MC looked too surprised for words.

“You- you're dating someone now?” the MC asked, looking excited.

L nodded, smiling his mysterious, mischivous smile. He was planning something. Joon leaned forward. What was he up to now.

“Who, who?” the MC asked.

“A hundred thousand people,” L said, licking his lips. Infinite started laughing from relief. “Their name is Inspirit.”

There was some fuss. “Two-timing Inspirits dating all seven of us,” Sungyeol said.

Joon saw the look in L's eyes. The sadness, when he said it was the fans. The smile that turned into a mask. Maybe no one else would be able to tell, but, Joon thought, L was usually such a fine liar, it was strange to let his face slip like this. Almost like he did it on purpose, wanting to send a message. So dangerous.

“This kid,” G.O. said, sounding impressed.

“He's playing a dangerous game, Joon,” Seungho said. “You have to keep it under control.”

“Me? I can't-, Infinite can't control him either, how could I, I'm not even there,” Joon protested.

“You talk every day,” Thunder said. “Hyung, aren't you encouraging this? You keep telling him to think of you all the time, message you all the time.”

“Not on air!” Joon exclaimed. Really? Were they really scolding Joon for this? “Why is everyone making everything my fault, he did this on his own.”

“I said he was trouble,” Seungho said. “You chose to go with it. Now you have to get on top of it, or it's going to run away with you.”

“Not literally get on top of L,” G.O. said. “That will not help.”

Mir snicked, Thunder groaned and got up and started leaving the room.

“However you do it,” Seungho said. “You need to do it.”

“Do it hard! Do it fast! Do it until dawn!” G.O. sang.

Seungho shoved him, laughing, while Joon left.

Do what, exactly? Joon knew how this would go down. He'd complain, and L would smile sweetly and tell him he'd do better, don't be angry. There would be kissing and Joon would have lost the argument. How come people expected him to have any control of this relationship? He wasn't a good hyung, was a terrible leader, he wasn't in control of himself most of the time, and L was a master of manipulation.

What if he got them off first and talked after? He'd be more in control of himself, L might be less inclined to play games. Get on top of it now, Seungho had said, so Joon messaged L,

_Where are you right now?_

It only took a minute.

_Solo singing practice._

Joon knew where that was. L liked to do his song practice in the music room next to the dance practice room, because there was a keyboard there, and he liked to have instruments to work with. There were smaller solo singing rooms there as well, but L was rarely in them. Joon took the car.

Once he'd parked outside, he tried to clear his head. This was serious, he couldn't let L distract him. He couldn't let the hyungs think he couldn't handle the relationship. He wondered how the discussion had gone among Infinite after filming that interview.

He fixed his jacket, wrapped his scarf around his neck and put on his hat and checked the mirror. It was getting cold outside. Dressed like this, with no makeup, people might not even recognize him. Would L date him, if he was just a regular guy? The thought pured ice down his spine; he shook it off. That was pointless. No one knew what could have been.

Inside, he found the right room. L looked up when he entered. Surprise flashed by, then a happy smile. “Lee Joon,” he said.

“Would you date me if I was just a regular guy?” Whoops. Okay.

“If you still looked this good, maybe,” L smiled, unfazed.

That wasn't what he wanted to hear. Joon took off his hat and scarf, trying to drive out the cold feeling. Focus. “I just got scolded by the hyungs for your interview.”

L's eyes lit up. “You saw it!”

“What are you so happy about? I just said I got yelled at! That was dangerous!”

“Aw, hyung, I already got yelled at by managers and the members.” L put away the papers he was holding and walked over. “Weren't we going to be on each other's side?”

“I _am_ on our side,” Joon said. “If you do things like that, they won't let us be together.”

“They won't let us? Aren't we adults?”

“You know what I mean.”

“You could scold me after you tell me how charming it was,” L said, looking disappointed. He turned back, sitting down again. “We haven't seen each other in a while, and we'll be so busy at the end of the year with all these events, I wanted to do something. In case you were forgetting who you are.”

“I know who I am,” Joon said, trying to follow. “And we talk every day.”

L sighed and picked up the scores. “Idiot.” Turning his back he hit a few keys on the keyboard.

Joon was sick and tired of being the one at fault all the time. “Ya!” The earlier idea about getting them off first and talking after was surfacing again. “Ya,” he said, softer. “Does this door lock?” He turned back, checking the door. It did, although you could open it from the outside with a key. “Who has a key?”

“Infinite,” L said, looking over his shoulder, frowning. “The managers. Other idol groups. We share this practice space. But no one else is using these rooms today, only the other ones.”

Joon closed and locked the door.

“Hyung?” L said.

Joon walked up and grabbed his arm and pulled him out of the chair. “Don't hide, let's talk about this properly.”

“No,” L said stubbornly, trying to leave.

Joon yanked him back, so hard he tripped and had to catch himself against Joon.

“Why are you like this!” L demanded, shoving him. “No one noticed! The fans loved it! It's not that dangerous! People say stupid things like this all the time!”

“Are you calling connecting with the fans stupid? You think we should use them to have fun like this, in secret?”

“I don't want to fight,” L said. “Let go of me.”

Joon shook his head. “I don't want to.”

“What do you mean you don't want to, let go of me!” L struggled against him, Joon held on. “Stop it, you idiot, camera, there's a camera.” L gestured up at a corner.

Joon froze. What? He looked over, and L tore free and backed away. It wasn't a trick. There was a tiny camera mounted in the corner, overlooking the room. What had he said? Way too much. This kind of camera, it didn't have a tape, it fed into some computer somewhere else.

“Why, why is there a- why didn't you tell me!”

“It doesn't record sound,” L said. “It's for making-of videos and things like that. Shots of us practicing.”

They couldn't go somewhere else, L might not come with him. So there was only one option. Joon climbed up on a chair and hung his jacket over the camera lens. Checked it carefully to make sure it wouldn't be able to see anything. When he returned to L, L was looking at the door. In t-shirt and loose fitting pants, shoes off, with that suspicious look on his face, he looked like a guy out of an action movie. Cornered, waiting for the fight. Joon grabbed his arm in case he'd decide to run away. L lingered, not struggling, but prepared to.

Joon closed the distrance between their bodies, then kept walking, backing L into the wall. Catching L's wrists, sticking them to the wall, he pushed his leg between L's legs, grinding their hips together.

L's breathing hitched ever so slightly.

Encouraged, Joon fought one of L's arms in behind his back so he could hold on to both; L didn't fight back very hard, following him with his eyes like he held some kind of ancient unsolvable mystery. Joon rolled up his own shirt, and L's eyes dropped to his abs. So rewarding. Joon slipped his hand inside L's pants, resting his palm against the bare skin of his hip.

“What are you doing?” L murmured.

Joon wanted to kiss his perfect lips, but he had a mission here. He had to let go of L's arms, but L had stopped trying to get free. Joon unbuttoned his own pants and cupped himself, kissing L's neck.

L's hands fumbled at his stomach, just touching. It was rare to have a moment with L like this, when L wasn't taking command, wasn't impatient and pushy and needy. Joon wrapped his fingers around L's cock, petting it, feeling it grow against his palm. He wanted to get L out of that t-shirt and sweep his hands over the soft skin, he wanted to taste L's nipple and feel him shiver... focus, damn it. He got their cocks together, slippery against each other, and started jacking them, figuring out how to fit together right.

L moaned and grabbed his shoulder. “Hyung, what are you doing,” he said again, but didn't seem like he was listening to his own voice. “Stop.”

Joon let go for a moment to get out of his sweater and t-shirt. L shimmied out of his t-shirt at the same time. Ah, all that beautiful skin. Joon ran his hand over L's chest, feeling the muscles over his ribs... no. No, focus. Back to L's cock. Just get them off, it would take the edge off, and then they could talk about... what were they talking about? L wrapped his arms around Joon's torso and pulled him in and kissed him. Mmmm, L's lips. He had such cute, sexy lips, perfectly arched. Joon sucked on his tongue, but L was so quiet today, only tiny noises. He wanted more, and he knew how to get it.

He kneeled and pulled L's pants down.

“Hyung,” L said, like he didn't really want to, but stepped out of his pants and underwear when Joon insisted. Joon kept jacking him, pushing him back against the wall with his free hand. L's fingers feathered through Joon's hair, but L stayed silent. His breathing betrayed him though. Joon ran his hand along the inside of L's thigh, from the knee and up. L trembled and breathed harder. Once he'd gotten used to the hand being there, Joon kissed his hip to distract, before raking one fingernail back down.

“Ahhh,” L groaned, and slapped a hand over his own mouth, while Joon grinned like a shark with satisfaction. It always worked. L's cock twitched in his hand. “Stop, stop,” L said. “Hyung, no more, I want- I want you.” Apparently when the silence was broken, regular bossy L came back. “Fuck me.”

No way, no, just a little more...

L suddenly swatted his hand away, kicking him in the chest. Joon was too surprised to react and lost his balance, falling back on his ass. L skipped over to his bag while Joon collected himself, came back and sat on Joon, pushing him back to the floor. Cold, thick liquid dripped down on Joon's cock.

“No, Myungsoo-yah, wait,” Joon said.

L shook his head, breathing through his mouth. “Fuck me, fuck me. Lee Joon.” His hand worked the lube warm and slippery, it smelled faintly of something sweet, maybe peach. L arched his back and Joon realized he was working himself open as well with his other hand. Joon could just lie back and enjoy the sight. He massaged L's thighs, saying little pointless things to encourage him. L put on the best show, a show only for Joon, something no one else could ever see.

“You're the best, the one, the only one,” Joon whispered, drawing circles with his nails on L's thighs, too gently to leave any marks.

Then, eyes closed, with a slow, sexy breath, L sank onto Joon's cock. It hurt. His eyebrows came together a little, he tried to support himself on his hands on Joon's stomach. Joon held his hips.

“Do it,” L said.

Joon didn't want to.

“It's okay, I'm ready, I just can't do it myself, I can't. You have to do it.”

Joon was halfway in, his cock ached to fill L up, get into that heated place that made everything amazing.

“Joon. Beautiful Lee Joon.” L's fingers dug into his stomach. “Do it.”

Joon took his hips and pushed him down. L's voice hitched up, his body strained, but Joon held him in place. L fell forward, bending over Joon. Joon took his face, wiped some hair out of his eyes. He looked like he was in pain. Never apologize, L had said. “I'm sorry,” Joon whispered, barely above a breath, not sure if L could hear him.

L shook his head, eyes closed, breathing. After a little bit, with Joon forcibly holding himself still, L opened his eyes and smiled, a little embarrassed. “Ah, the sounds I'm making, it's a little...”

“You're so sexy,” Joon said, wiping away a pearl of sweat that had formed on L's forehead. “I can't believe it. I can't believe this is my L. My sweet Myungsoo.”

“Ah, hyung, if only I could tell you,” L said, closing his eyes again.

Tell him what? Joon shifted a little, and L's body rocked, trying to adjust to the movement.

“You fill me up,” L said, looking into his eyes. It felt like he meant more than their bodies. Taking a decisive breath, the lifted himself up a little, and slid back down. Joon suppressed the desire to rise and slam up against him. “Hyung, can I- I like the other way better.”

Joon liked this way too, he got such a view, but, was this the first time L asked if something was okay? Joon felt like he was getting to see a new, gentler side of L. And whichever way L asked for it, L should have what he wanted. Joon lifted L, who lay back on his elbows, and followed him, pushing his legs up, his knees almost at his shoulders. So flexible too. He pulled L's socks off in the process, planting one kiss each on the insides of his ankles.

He slid in easier this time, but it still made L groan quietly, and pushed him backwards a little until his head hit the wall. This way, pushing against the wall, felt a little different. Joon found a good pace, wanting to enjoy the ride, but knowing full well that L would not stand it for long. And as predicted, L was soon writhing under him, cursing, demanding more. Joon tried not to listen. L wiped sweat from his brow and asked for it instead. Joon swatted his hands away from his cock, not allowing him to jack himself, knowing he'd speed it up.

Suddenly L was struggling. “Ya! Lee Joon! If you're not going to give me what I want...!” Threats now? Joon held on to him, but L was actually using his strength. “Stop! Stop it, get off me!” L tried to get his feet down onto Joon's shoulders to kick him, but Joon leaned down further, fighting L's arms down. While L thrashed against him, Joon held his arms to the floor so hard he saw his knuckles go white. Agh if L kept squirming like this... he unwillingly picked up the pace, body screaming for release.

“Agh!” L growled at him. “Fuck me, harder, like that!”

Shit, Joon didn't want to give him what he wanted, but he couldn't resist, couldn't stop his body from slamming in harder and harder. L's head was pressed against the wall, bumping into it, his neck at an uncomfortable angle, moaning with each thrust. Joon bent down, burying his head against L, working him. L's chest was hot and sticky, their sweat mixed. Joon's muscles started to ache, he was breathing hard, holding himself up on his arms.

L had stopped talking at least, just making noises, clamping around Joon's cock, urging him on. Joon let go of one of L's arms to jack him as he fucked him, and L threw the arm over his head, muffling his needy, desperate noises. Joon set his jaw, holding on for just as long as he could, at least reserving that right for himself, but then he was coming, coming floods inside L, exploding as if he'd never land again.

“Augh,” L said, and Joon thought with his one remaining brain cell that it sounded weird somehow, but then L came in his hand. Popping out of L, Joon leaned down and lapped up his cum. He was so exhausted he could barely move the rest of his body, licking it up was all he could do, drawing random circles on L's abs with his fingers. L convulsed, twitching with the aftershocks. Joon rested his head on L's thigh for a bit, recovering, breathing in L.

L made a whimpering noise. Joon gathered enough strength to look, and L still had the arm over his face. Was he crying? “Are you crying?” Joon asked, crawling up.

L took a few shaky breaths and cleared his throat. “No.”

That was probably the worst lie Joon had ever heard him tell. He lifted L's arm away, and L immediately brought his other hand up, wiping away tears.

He'd made L cry, and those didn't look like tears of happiness.

“I'm sorry,” Joon said.

“Stop it. I don't want to hear those words ever. Do you understand?”

“Are you okay?” he tried instead.

“I'm fine,” L said. He even cried beautifully, Joon thought. Other people got all red and puffy, L somehow managed to look pretty, and vulnerable, like smooth glass statues, or baby birds. L probably didn't want to hear he looked like a baby bird though.

“Did I do too much?” Joon asked.

L shook his head. “I'm... scared to tell you.” That didn't sound good. “Don't look so worried! How should I say it... today was the first time I believed you. That you wouldn't let go even if I cried and struggled. And it...” he chewed on his lip for a second, “I get off on it, you know that.”

Joon rubbed L's arm gently, trying to be nice to the spots he'd held on to so hard before, trying to convince himself that he would have let go if L really didn't like it, but he wasn't sure and it scared him out of his mind. “Don't cry,” he said.

“You look like you're going to start crying yourself,” L said. It was strange to hear him tease, while he was still wiping away tears.

“I might, when you do it,” Joon said. He brought L's hand up and kissed his knuckles, one by one.

“I'm not sorry about the interview,” L said.

Joon sighed and pressed his forehead to L's shoulder. This idea about getting them off first and talking later, it wasn't working out. Neither part of it was working out like Joon had intended.

“But I'm sorry I called you an idiot,” L said.

“If you think I'm stupid,” Joon said, hurrying to continue before L could interrupt, “no, I mean it, everyone says I am, so maybe I am. If you think so, you can say it. I can handle it. I don't want you to lie to me.”

L wove his fingers into Joon's hair. “You're being stupid now, stupid. I said it before because you didn't understand. What I meant. I miss you. Even if we message each other, I miss you every day, that's what I wanted to say, but you were so angry about the interview, when I really only wanted to... I don't know what I wanted to do. Now that I think about it, wouldn't me saying those things on air just make you miss me more? I was selfish. I guess I _am_ sorry, then.”

Joon reached up and wiped away one last stray tear from L's face. “I miss you too,” he said.

“I won't do anything like that again,” L promised.

“When you miss me, send another message,” Joon said. “Something simple... just send a heart. And I'll know you miss me, and I'll do the same thing.”

“That'll be a lot of messages,” L said.

“I don't mind. Do you mind?”

L smiled and shook his head. “I don't.”

“Deal.” Joon took his hand and shook it, awkwardly since they were lying next to one another.

“What are you even doing here,” L said. “You don't have time to see me today.”

O.H. S.H.I.T. Joon had gotten upset over the interview, and taken Seungho literally when he said he should deal with it, but he was missing a fucking meeting! The managers would eat him alive! He checked his phone. So many missed calls. It felt like the 'you have a message' symbol blinked angrily at him. “I have to go,” he said. “I really wish I could stay, but...”

“Are you supposed to be somewhere right now?”

“I really am,” Joon said, finding his clothes. “I really have been, for a while now.”

L pulled on clothes too, and put away... hm. “Do you actually carry around lube everywhere?” Joon asked.

L smiled. “What do you mean? It's hand moisturizer. Even if someone should try to use it, it smells like hand moisturizer. It's a japanese bottle, so no one will recognize that it has the wrong texture.”

“But why?”

“Why not? Aren't you glad I do?”

Well, partly yes, but, “You knew I'm busy today.”

“Schedules change quickly.”

“So it's not for anyone else?”

L laughed. “Are you jealous because I'm always prepared to see you?”

They were fully dressed.

“It's just very convenient, you think of everything,” Joon said. He wasn't exactly serious, but still... Had L carried around lube before they started dating? It seemed like a well-planned stunt.

“Are you calling me easy?” L asked. He wasn't entirely serious either, but Joon could smell a fight coming, if he didn't find a way out of this thing he'd started.

There was a knock on the door.

These music rooms were sound proof, to make sure they didn't bother each other. Still, the idea of someone out there made Joon's heart pump faster. He fetched his jacket from the camera, while L put on his backpack, and Joon held his elbow for moral support as he opened the door.

Seungho? “Are you completely mad?” Seungho demanded.

Joon didn't know how to answer that. “I'm sorry, I'm going, I'll just be late, I'll make it up to them.”

Seungho saw L standing just behind him. His eyes narrowed. “He can't go outside like that.”

What? Joon looked at him and realized the problem. L's arms were already bruising where Joon had held on and pressed them against the floor. He could see the individual imprints of his fingers. “You can't let anyone see those,” he said. L looked like a victim of abuse.

“I don't have a sweater,” L said, looking down at himself. “I don't have a jacket either, I just ran across the road in this.” His t-shirt did absolutely nothing to cover up the bruises.

Seungho turned away in frustration, hands on his hips.

“Take my shirt.” Joon took his sweater off and handed it to L.

“Really?”

“I'm going to be in the car, and then at the meeting,” Joon said. “I'll get my face eaten off by my managers, so it should be plenty warm.”

“For god's sake take it,” Seungho said. “Hurry up before someone walks down the corridor.”

Joon pushed the sweater into L's hands. “Take it.” L put it on. He looked just as good in it as he did in everything else. Joon grabbed his hand and pulled him along, through the corridor to the exit.

“I'll talk to you later, hyung,” L said, then bowed to Seungho. “I'm sorry.”

Seungho made a gesture that said 'just go'. L jogged off across the road.

“Hyung,” Joon started.

“We can talk about this tonight. I have to get my own car, or I'd yell at you in yours the whole way. Go. Hurry up.”

The day was a blur of people yelling at him and working his ass off. He sent hearts to L whenever he had a second, which wasn't half as often as he actually missed him. L sent lots back too, nothing else, probably guessing that Joon would be far too busy for conversation.

Late at night, when Joon was finally done with everything and everyone had been appeased, he collapsed on his bed, already half asleep. Seungho came in, Thunder left, probably sent out.

“We need to talk,” Seungho said.

Joon was way too tired for this. “I'm sorry, hyung. That video- I lost my mind.”

“That too,” Seungho said. “I told you to get the kid under control, not lose control of yourself. But that's not what I want to talk about.”

Joon sat up, trying to look like he listened. “Mhm?”

“Dongwoo called and asked me if I knew if you'd seen L today. Apparently L wasn't volunteering the information. I thought that seemed weird, so I pried a little, and apparently last time the two of you met, L came back with bruises, and today, he did as well and his members wanted to know what had happened to him because he looked like someone beat him up, but he wouldn't tell them.”

Joon failed at sitting still looking innocent. He ruffled his hair and tried to ignore his cheeks heating up.

“You two were really irresponsible today. When you opened that door, you had no idea who was outside, and I could see L clearly. Someone else could draw all kinds of conclusions.”

“I'm sorry, hyung,” Joon said.

“But aside from that, I saw him today with my own eyes, those bruises were no joke.” Seungho hesitated. “Joonie, your sex life is private, and I don't want to get involved but... is everything okay?”

Joon was curled up, hanging his head, avoiding to look at Seungho. He could still see L's arms, and count his own fingers in the forming marks. “I don't know what I'm doing,” he groaned, rubbing his forehead. He didn't want this. He didn't want to be this guy, didn't want to see the damage he did, because he didn't want to do it. In the moment with L cursing and demanding and moaning like nothing better could ever happen, he got carried away. “L- I'm not saying it's his fault, he's just- I'm not like this, but it's like, I can't trust myself with him.”

“I have to say, I _never_ thought this of you,” Seungho said. “I'm trying not to judge, I'm just really, really surprised. It doesn't seem like you.”

Because it wasn't him. Joon rolled over to lie on his back. L had really liked today though. Joon had acted quite like a hyung, hadn't he, coming in there, locking the door, demanding things, going hard even when L asked him to stop. It wasn't his normal self, but L had really liked it. L didn't want him. L wanted someone who wanted to do these things to him. Someone who would take command, and hold on, and be the hyung. It was just Joon's body he wanted. Someone stronger than himself. He felt like he couldn't breathe, and hid his face under his arms.

“Ya, are you crying?” Seungho patted his stomach. “It's going to be alright.”

“I can't do this,” Joon whispered.

Seungho was silent for a long while. “Are you saying you're going to end it?” he asked, finally.

Joon cried. “I can't.” No more L? No more mysterious smiles and random texts? No more poems and photos and long discussions over color matching and L's embarrassed face admitting he used to read Japanese manga for women. No more kissing those sweet lips and whispering 'Myungsoo-yah' and smelling L while falling asleep. He said he couldn't do this, but he couldn't do without either.

“Have you two talked about this?” Seungho asked.

“Whenever we meet we end up...” Joon rolled over on his stomach, giving Seungho a look that said what he needed to say.

“What if you meet in public?”

“I'm going to cry,” Joon said. “What if L cries?” He'd lose then, definitely.

“Semi-public,” Seungo tried, patiently. “People you trust. Maybe we could meet up with Infinite, and you could talk in a corner. I'll try to set it up. Okay?”

“Okay,” Joon nodded. He trusted Seungho. If he thought it was a good idea, it probably was.

 

Their schedules made it difficult though. Seungho did his best, but they were thrown into all the events for Christmas and New Year's. L kept sending messages, so many hearts, Joon sometimes felt bad about not sending as many back, but he didn't understand how L found the time. L must really, really miss him. No matter why that was, Joon felt warm despite the winter chill whenever he checked the phone and found another heart.

One afternoon Joon came back to a little present waiting in his room. Thunder handed it over to him after reading the note. It said _For Lee Joon to wear to New Years._ _12._ There were no significant 12's in Joon's life. Mir suggested it meant 2012.

The present contained a bracelet with lavender-tinted glass, silver and black beads. No more notes or explanations. It wasn't a fan gift, unless a fan had actually broken in and left it there.

He mentioned it to L in a message, and L asked if it was pretty? Joon said it looked a little feminine maybe? Still, he liked it. Wearing it would reward the person who had left it though, so he shouldn't, but he'd keep it for now. Maybe more information would surface.

A few days later they talked about something else and ended up on the subject again.

_I want to know who sent it,_ Joon wrote.

_You seem to like mysteries,_ L answered. _If you find out who sent it, will you be their boyfriend too?_

_It's not like that. This and that is different._

It took until nightfall before L answered,

_This is how I won Lee Joon, by making mysteries. Is someone else hunting him?_

L had this funny tendency to talk about him in third person. _Let them hunt, I won't look at anyone else_.

_But you still want to find out who it is, don't you, hyung._

_Of course I do, I'm a curious person._

L didn't answer. Maybe he'd fallen asleep. Joon couldn't sleep again, he'd had quite a lot of trouble with his insomnia lately. It usually came and went, but this last month it had been a pain. At this rate he'd end up falling asleep from exhaustion at the new year's event before midnight. People had told him lots of methods to deal with it, but most were impossible because of his work, and the others hadn't really worked.

He searched around on the internet for 12. It wasn't really going to help, there were all kinds of results, but he didn't have anything better to do. Eventually he fell asleep and woke up from Mir pulling the laptop out from under his head.

_Hyung, you really can't wear the bracelet_ , L had answered.

_Then I won't,_ Joon promised.

But as the day progressed, he got a little annoyed at it. Did L really think he would cheat on him just because someone sent him a present?

Come evening, he messaged,

_Or should I?_

They fought over it for days. It never turned ugly, but it was tethering on the edge a few times. Joon talked to his members about it, he proposed a 'theoretical scenario' to other friends, he got ridiculously invested.

Meanwhile, Seungho told him he couldn't manage MBLAQ and Infinite getting together until New Year, when they would both be singing at a main network event. Perhaps, maybe, possibly, the two groups could manage a private get-together immediately after for an hour or two, if everyone agreed. Which meant all the other members would have to sacrifice a few hours of precious rest and recovery, after an intense period. MBLAQ was ready to do it; Infinite responded a few days later saying they would be there.

Everyone were backing them up. Joon felt guilty. If he could handle his own problems he wouldn't have to burden everyone else. He couldn't even talk to L about it, because L didn't know the real reason why the meeting was being set up.

Days went by. Even on days when Joon and L were officially fighting and giving each other the silent treatment, they sent the heart messages. It kept Joon sane through the hard work, to come back to his phone and find three hearts.

They had rehersals a few days before the new year's event, but were constantly surrounded by staff and other idols, with no time to sneak away.

_Maybe whoever sent the gift is one of these idols_ , Joon messaged L. It would make sense. Why else specifically ask him to wear it here?

L gave him a murderous stare the next time they passed each other by in the corridors.

The day before the show, L sent,

_Lee Joon, really, really, if I tell you to not wear it, will you still do it anyway?_

Joon thought about it a lot. _No,_ he finally admitted, _if it's 'really, really', then I will do whatever Myungsoo-yah says._

_Anything I say?_ L wondered.

L had a tendency to abuse power, but, _Yes._

_Even if I tell you to wear the bracelet?_

Joon had been pushing his right to wear it because he wanted the freedom to, not because he actually wanted to. Actually wearing it was a little... not only was he encouraging some stalker, he would also set someone up to be heartbroken, if they thought it meant something.

_I will do what Myungsoo-yah wants,_ Joon promised.

_Then I want you to wear it. Find out who it is. I want to know who thinks they can hunt my Lee Joon._

Of course. There was that side of the multifaceted L, the one that snarled _Give Lee Joon's phone back, bitch_ at Seungho.

When they dressed for the day, Joon clipped the bracelet on, hiding it under his sleeve since the hyungs would probably disagree with this. No sooner had he, before his phone vibrated.

_What will you do when you find out who it is? You have to let me know. Give me a signal?_

Joon was slightly worried. L wasn't above playing games in public, so what would he do?

_Hyung_ , L urged half an hour later. _You said you would do whatever I said._

_Fine, I will,_ Joon promised.

_A signal._

_I'll kiss them,_ Joon joked.

But L answered, _Okay_.

Okay? Just like that? L must be planning some terrible vengeance to agree to that. Both worried and curious, Joon got out of the car. He was getting pumped up about the performance, it was such a huge stage. He was trying not to think about tonight and the meeting and what he was going to say to L. If he started worrying about that too, he'd get distracted and mess up.

And he was exhausted. He'd gotten some hours here and there, but still far too little sleep. How the heck would he survive today?

One thing at a time. Preparations took place. Infinite arrived on scene, Joon heard them do final microphone checks, but didn't see them. Then the show got going, which actually gave them some free time while other artists were performing. Joon collapsed in a chair, closed his eyes and listened to the music.

When he opened them, Sungyeol was standing over him.

“Ah, he's alive,” Sungyeol said. Joon was about to rub his eye and Sungyeol caught his hand. “Makeup.”

Right. A different song was playing, but Joon couldn't have slept long, probably just a few minutes. “Did you go on already?”

Sungyeol shook his head. “You're up next though.”

Oh right. He jumped out of the chair, bouncing up and down a few times to get his blood pumping. “Having fun?”

“So far. Good luck.”

“You too,” Joon said. He saw Mir wave from further up by the stage.

“Ah, Joonie-hyung, you better look out. I think L is planning something, he's been all mysterious and stingy all day.”

Joon had to run off, waving goobye to Sungyeol. L planning something? He always was.

The performance went well. Those minutes had breathed some new life into Joon. After, he sat with his members and watched the other groups. Infinite did well too. At the end, L started bouncing up and down with his hands in the air, and the other members soon followed suit, but Joon got the feeling that that hadn't been part of the plan. It looked fun though. The audience liked it.

After a few more performances, everyone were pulled up on stage to wait for midnight. They were supposed to stick to their own group, but unavoidably everyone started mixing together. Joon wandered a little, looking around at the other teams. No one seemed to be paying him any extra attention. He migrated towards Infinite, intending to talk to Sungyeol a little since their friendship was already known. He came around the back, and L and Sungyeol was standing next to each other in the front, and just as he passed Sungjong he saw something glimmer around L's wrist.

The bracelet.

He stopped. That little... He'd fought with him for weeks, over a gift he'd sent himself? To make Joon wear it unknowningly. To make them wear matching couple-bracelets. If he'd told Joon about it, he wouldn't have wanted to do it, it was too risky.

And Joon had promised now. That he'd kiss the person. Despite everything, Joon felt himself smile. He crouched down to get out of view of the cameras and hid his face and just smiled. Reckless, stubborn, clever L. His L, making plans, lying to him for weeks, just to set up such a silly thing like matching bracelets. All this work for one kiss. It was crazy, perhaps, but Joon felt loved.

How to solve this? Joon stood up, bounced a little, grinned up his face to look super excited. Then he bounded over to Sungyeol and L, flung his arms around their shoulders. Sungyeol jumped and looked at him. L didn't react, didn't, perhaps, realize that it was him. Perfect. Joon ruffled Sungyeol's hair and leaned forward and kissed L's cheek. L turned his head, surprised, and saw him.

All this work for one kiss, well, Joon would go through it all again to see the look on L's face that one second.

L started laughing. Sungyeol stared at them like they were crazy. Joon kept playing his overexcited role, smiling so much his cheeks hurt, snapping his teeth at Sungyeol's ear and then bouncing off again, attacking Dongwoo instead. All the cameras would see was Lee Joon being worked up and silly and bothering his hoobaes. But behind L's back, while turned towards Dongwoo, Joon hooked his fingers in L's back pocket and stayed for as long as he dared to.

Seungho came around and rounded them up. By midnight, each group was back with their own again, counting down, cheering. Afterwards, various groups split up going to different venues or back home. Infinite showed up, and suddenly they were mixing, filling up both cars with members from both teams. Joon wasn't sure what was going on, but he was feeling a little light-headed from lack of sleep, maybe someone had told him at some point. Like magic, Joon ended up in the back of Infinite's car next to L.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hi,” L answered, a littly shyly.

Joon took his hand.

“You're not angry?” L asked.

Joon shook his head, smiling. “Nope.”

L laughed a little. “Somehow... this reaction... it's a little...”

“Hm?”

“Are you really not upset?”

Did L want him to be upset? Or was he worried that Joon was just hiding the reaction for later? Joon pushed L's sleeve up a little so the bracelet was exposed. “I like your taste in jewelry.”

“Someone told me it's girls' jewelry,” L said.

“Aish, do you always have to win?” Joon wove their fingers together.

“No, it just made me lose my confidence, when someone said that,” L said, looking straight ahead like nothing was going on. “So then I started saying a bunch of random stuff, and in the end, I thought, someone will get angry with me for playing games.”

“I didn't think you were the kind of person to lose your confidence from one comment,” Joon said.

L pressed his lips together. “Hm, well, only when it's from this one person.”

“Do I know him?” Joon asked.

“Maybe,” L said. “He's someone with a good body, and a happy smile, who can be very exhausting but also very fun. And he's someone I keep fighting with all the time, for some reason, maybe because I like him too much.”

“Now I'm jealous,” Joon said.

“That's what he would say,” L smiled. Then kicked the seat in front of him. “Stop laughing.”

Joon looked up, not remembering who was in the seat. Woohyun, who, along with Dongwoo in the middle, was curled up, shaking with quiet laughter. In the seat next to Dongwoo, Thunder was leaning against the window, covering his face.

“Ya,” Joon said, pushing Thunder's shoulder.

“Why did I get into this car,” Thunder said.

Woohyun was still laughing. “Too cute, it's too cute!” Dongwoo kept saying.

They arrived at the place. Apparently Seungho had gotten this together by allowing some filming to take place for a few minutes, setting up a scene of idols hanging out together making new year greetings to the fans. It only took half an hour, and then the improvised camera and staff disappeared. MBLAQ and Infinite were left alone with some food and drink.

Joon's nerves had been getting worse by the minute. Today had gone so well. Things were so great. L was so goddamn beautiful in stage clothes and makeup and Joon loved this hairstyle. And they'd talked about those things in the car and everything was just perfect.

What was he going to say? What could he say, that wouldn't ruin absolutely everything? Was this the calm before the storm; the last good moment before the end?

“Did you set this up?” L asked, chewing on some food.

“I didn't,” Joon said, “It was Seungho-hyung.”

L looked puzzled but picked up another snack.

“I'm, um, could we just,” Joon pushed his arm a little, herding him into the corner. L picked up a few snacks on the way.

“I'm awake on sugar,” L said, waving the food in his face.

Joon was awake from the numbing fear in his stomach. He made L sit down. On the other side of the room, Seungho gave him a discreet thumbs up. Infinite was playing some sort of counting game, trying to explain the rules to MBLAQ.

“I'm not angry about today, or the bracelet, or anything,” Joon said.

L sensed the mood, and watched him quietly, eyes narrowing.

“And I like you a lot, and I don't know what I'd do without you.”

Now L looked outright worried, glancing over at the other members playing around loudly.

Joon tried to be courageous. “I can't do this.”

L's gaze went down to his hands, where he was picking at the food.

“I don't mean _this_ this, us, I mean...” he just couldn't find the words, it was so embarrassing to talk about. “Seungho-hyung saw the bruises. We can't do things like that, I don't want to do things like that.”

“You don't like it?” L asked. “That's not how it seemed.” He kept picking at the food, not eating any of it.

“I don't like it,” Joon said. L turned his head away. “I like you, I- I like sex with you. But I don't want to hurt you like this.”

“That's not your choice,” L said.

“It isn't? I'm the one who has to see the bruises from what I've done. I hate seeing your beautiful body hurt like that. I hate knowing it'll hurt for you at practice, and you'll have to hide it and worry about it. I want to make your life happier and easier, not worse.”

“Have I once complained of any of those things?” L asked.

“Aren't they true?” Joon asked.

“The truth is whenever I see the bruises I...” L looked at the floor, embarrassed, frowning. “I feel proud, and thankful. Because I have someone, who holds on to me no matter what, who trusts me... but I've told you how I feel. If you don't believe me, then all this time...”

Joon kneeled in front of him. “I want to be with you, that's why I'm saying it. Okay, I don't _hate_ hate it, I know you like it at the time and that makes me like it too, but after...” He sighed, this wasn't getting them anywhere, he needed a new angle. “Look, Seungho had talked to Infinite, who were also worrying about you looking beat up. And with the interview, and now the bracelet – even if I liked it! - it's not safe.”

“No one is going to notice,” L said stubbornly.

“How do you know? What if some fans accidentally put it together? Us wearing the bracelets, me kissing you on stage, all of it. Just messaging each other is too dangerous, really. Thunder have told me to erase the messages a hundred times.”

“They're our fans, they'll understand,” L said.

How could someone so clever be so stupid? Joon took his hand to get them closer, but L was so distant now, his face blank. “Some, maybe. But there's so many others. And if we risk things like this, the members will get tired of it, even if they love us. We can't ruin it for them too. They won't let us be together, if we don't keep it together.”

L pulled his hand back. “I guess that's all the better for you, you won't have to break up with me yourself, your members can do it for you.” He stood up.

“Myungsoo-yah,” Joon tried.

“Why are you even with me, if you don't like any of it?”

“Don't be like this,” Joon said. He was already light-headed and so tense, he was starting to feel like he couldn't breathe. He absolutely couldn't cry, not now, not in front of everyone.

“I love you,” L said softly. “I'm doing my best! I want the world to know, I love Lee Joon. But I'm doing my best, I really am. No one has caught on, they won't, I know what I'm doing!”

Joon stood too, tried to put his arms around L. What was he supposed to say, that his best wasn't good enough? “I would do anything to be with you, hiding isn't so hard,” Joon said.

L pushed him. “That's a lie.” He shook his head and took a few steps away.

Joon didn't dare to follow him, he felt unstable. “Myungsoo-yah,” he said, reaching out. “I really didn't want us to fight today, but I had to say it, I was dying.”

“It's all lies,” L said, tears in his eyes, but never falling. “It's been lies the whole time! You don't like it, you don't want to do it... this was crazy... this was mad from the start, how could I ever have agreed to it? You don't like anything about me, you don't even trust me.”

That wasn't true. The other members, Joon could see them behind L, they had stopped what they were doing, paying attention to them instead. “Come back,” Joon said. He felt breathless, but he must still be breathing since he could speak. His brain struggled to put words together.

“If it's like this, why don't we just break up,” L said.

Joon took one step forward, he couldn't feel his legs, the world spun, and everything went black.

 

 

 

End of 2012 – Beginning of 2013

The Dynamic Black performance was a success, but behind it lay a lot of hard work. L.Joe put down a monstrous amount of practice, apparently not going to rest until everything was absolutely perfect. He was the first one at practice, and the last one to leave, excepting the times Joon stayed behind and helped out. Sometimes Joon got the feeling he wanted to be there because no one was whispering behind his back. The way he avoided the subject, Joon felt he didn't have his members support on this. Which made him sad. How would Joon have survived all the episodes with L without his members to have his back? So Joon insisted on helping. L.Joe was being more brave than any of them, he deserved support.

One of the afternoons when everyone were there, going through the whole performance, Hoya apparently got enough of that support. “Why don't you work on your own dancing?” he demanded, when Joon broke formation again to point out something L.Joe could improve.

“Help me too,” Jinwoon joked, to soften Hoya's tone.

Hoya grabbed Joon's arm and started leading him away. He only got a few steps before L.Joe stood in the way. “You have something to say, say it here,” he said.

Joon admired him even more.

“This is none of your business,” Hoya said.

“I'm the leader,” L.Joe said, referring to their slightly unorthodox method of doing rock-paper-scissors to pick a leader, since no one wanted to be it. “Everything is my business.”

“The leader has spoken,” Jinwoon agreed, still not taking it seriously. Kikwang drifted in their direction, looking like he'd rather stay out but felt compelled to pick a side.

Hoya hesitated. “You may think he's helping, but he needs to keep his hands to himself,” he said, finally. Giving Joon a deathly glare.

“He _is_ helping,” L.Joe said. “And I don't think it's your decision where his hands are.” He fidgeted slightly, but held Hoya's gaze unwavering. Nervous, but sticking with it.

“Or are you uncomfortable?” Joon asked, wanting to help L.Joe out. “Is there something you need to tell us? Why you have opinions on where my hands are?”

Hoya looked trapped.

“We're a team,” L.Joe said. “I asked for help. Hyung is nice and taking his own time to make sure we'll do great.”

“If you think Joon needs more practice, I can help too,” Kikwang offered, a little reluctantly, but willing to make an effort to solve this. “We should all help each other.”

“Hear, hear,” Jinwoon said. He'd finally caught on to there being an actual problem, and was towering over them as the tallest person.

Hoya backed off. For the rest of the Dynamic Black work, he made no more fuss, and as an added bonus, Kikwang and Jinwoon closed ranks and everyone started helping each other, and when it was time for performance, it felt like everyone had outdone themselves.

After that was other end-of-year activities, leading up to New Year's, and Joon didn't stay in contact with any of the guys. He and L.Joe had exchanged phone numbers, but Joon was busy and assumed L.Joe was too.

One night in the first week of 2013, Joon was eating at the dorm with G.O. and Thunder when there was a knock on the door. Seungho had gone away, Mir shouldn't be back yet. G.O. went to open, Joon following, curious.

The weather was terrible. Some lumpy mix of snow and water was falling down, covering the streets in ice-cold goo. On the MBLAQ stairs stood a tiny hooded figure, drenched and shaking, slushy ice forming on his head and shoulders. When the door opened, he lifted his head a little, and Joon saw a hint of long bangs.

“Hello, snowman-sshi,” G.O. said, surprised. “Come in, hurry up, before you freeze.” The figure drifted in and G.O. closed the door. “I'll get a towel,” he said and left for the bathroom.

The hood came down.

“Ah, L.Joe?” Joon asked.

“I'm sorry, hyung,” L.Joe said, shivering so badly it was hard to hear what he said. “I didn't know where to go.”

Thunder came, wondering what was going on, and saw L.Joe. “Ah, hello,” he said.

“Hello.” L.Joe bowed deep and his eyes flickered between them. “I don't mean to be a bother.”

“You look like someone who could use some food,” Thunder said, and Joon wanted to kiss him. “Why don't you borrow some clothes from Joon-hyung and eat with us?”

G.O. returned with a towel and handed it over. L.Joe accepted it with both hands, putting it over his head to dry his hair.

Joon led the way to his room. All his clothes were going to be comically large on L.Joe. Hadn't someone said L.Joe was the smallest idol, or the lightest, or something like that? At this time, L.Joe didn't seem overly concerned with how he looked though. Joon found a pair of three-quarter-length pants and a t-shirt and told L.Joe to take a warm shower. If he hung his underwear on the radiator while he showered, it might be mostly dry before he was done.

“What do you think he's doing here?” Thunder asked. They had stopped eating, waiting for L.Joe to come out.

“You were on Dynamic Black together right?” G.O. said. “So he's here for you, Joon.”

“I don't know, I don't. I haven't talked to him since that,” Joon said.

“He didn't look like someone who was coming for a friendly visit,” G.O. said.

Joon nodded. “He can't have come in a car, he must have walked from somewhere. In this weather?”

“You know what people have been saying about him right?” Thunder asked.

They both nodded quietly.

“Well, Mir said last he heard, Teen Top were fighting over it. That was a few days ago.”

“Hm, this,” G.O. said, “Do we really want to get involved in this?”

“How can you say that, hyung,” Joon said.

The conversation was over, because the shower had stopped, and a minute later L.Joe came out of the bathroom, sneaking as if he couldn't be seen if he moved carefully. The t-shirt looked like a tent on him, eating up most of his body.

“Come eat,” Thunder said.

L.Joe sat on the couch next to Thunder. Warmed up, and soon with some food in him, although he ate very little, L.Joe seemed to relax a little.

“Do you want to talk to Joonie in private?” G.O. asked.

L.Joe looked a little conflicted.

“These guys understand,” Joon said. “Trust me, they won't be weird about it, they don't mind.”

G.O. and Thunder tried to look friendly and responsible, which made Joon giggle a little.

“We had a fight,” L.Joe said, deciding to trust them. “We've been fighting a lot lately. The others, they... They're nervous about what is going to happen, they worry we'll get too much trouble. They want me to put a stop to the rumors before they destroy us, they don't understand...” L.Joe bent his head down, one foot up on the couch, folding together into a little ball. “It's no use to make a fuss and deny it and lie to everyone; no one will believe it anyway, and then I'm a liar too.”

Joon felt so bad for him. Thunder patted his back a little. Joon was surprised Thunder was so supportive; for a lot of the time, Thunder had been the one most weirded out and opposed to L.

“Hm it could work out for you,” G.O. mused. “If it was someone like... someone who'd talked a lot on shows about girlfriends, maybe even lied together some dating episodes, it means people have expectations, and like you say, he'd already be a liar. Or someone like...” he waved his hand looking for a name.

“Kikwang?” Joon suggested, since Dynamic Black was in mind.

“Hm maybe yes, or I was thinking of someone with that kind of manly feel, Siwon? Their fans would have become fans for that kind of reason.”

Agh, that could be true for L as well couldn't it. And Joon too, for that matter.

“It means a lot of broken trust,” G.O. said. “But you don't really have that kind of image. Didn't you even have videos where you rap against other members rather than girls. Your fans might be more understanding.”

“The others say the industry isn't ready for it,” L.Joe said.

“It maybe isn't, but win over the fans, and you've won most of the battle,” G.O. said. “If you're popular, you bring in money, and as long as you bring in money, you're golden.”

“You're so calm about it.” L.Joe looked at each of them, amazed.

“Your members aren't?” Thunder asked.

“I always thought Niel would be the one to freak out,” L.Joe said. “But he's okay. CAP pretends like nothing and refuses to deal with it. Chunji and Ricky don't approve. Changjo is really, really weirded out.”

“Give them some time,” Thunder said. “It's strange now, because they have prejudices or can't imagine you like that, but once they remember it's still the same you it'll get easier.”

Was that what Thunder had gone through?

“I don't know,” L.Joe said, curling up even more. “Today, I had to get out, I felt like...” He picked at the hem of the pants. “I thought we were about to start fighting for real. Like, punching. Niel maybe is okay with it, but he's not going to back me up against the others.”

Being afraid of your own members, what would that be like? Joon looked at G.O. and Thunder and was grateful. Grateful for everything they'd done.

“We'll back you up,” Joon said.

“I can't believe they'd let it get to this,” G.O. said, scowling. “A group is a team, you can disagree but in the end you have to stick together or everyone gets destroyed. Like how I put up with this fool,” he patted Joon's thigh affectionately, “even though he's an idiot. There were times when I thought, this fool will get found out, but somehow he made it. Either way we'd back him up.”

Joon froze.

L.Joe glanced up.

“Agh, well, that is- he means,” Joon started, but was discouraged by his own stutter.

L.Joe was blinking a lot. Pushing his bangs out of his eyes, he asked, “Hyung, are you...?”

“Ah,” G.O. said, realizing he might have made a mistake. “That is, even if,” he stopped, maybe as unwilling to straight out lie to L.Joe as Joon was.

“This whole time...?” L.Joe said, staring at Joon. “You let me go on about this, and you... you didn't feel like telling me?”

“Ah, no, not like that, it's just, this was your problem, we were talking about you,” Joon said.

L.Joe chewed on his lip. Frozen like a statue one second, rushing out of the couch the next, picking up his hoodie, stepping into his shoes.

“Ah, wait!” Thunder called. Then, “Is he really going back out like that?” to G.O. and Joon.

“Shit!” Joon got up and followed. He didn't have time to fetch his jacket, he got into his boots and rushed after. He had no socks on, the boots chafed his heels.

L.Joe was walking down the street, pulling on the wet hoodie. It didn't take more than ten steps before Joon was soaked through and through, shaking from the cold. How long had L.Joe walked like this to get to the dorm? Joon ran after, sliding and slipping in the slush, caught up and grabbed his arm.

“Wait.”

L.Joe was crying, but looked up at Joon bravely as if he wasn't.

“I'm a coward,” Joon confessed. “I kept thinking you were so brave, but I was too afraid to tell you. I've been afraid to tell anyone my whole life. I was so afraid someone would find out when... when I dated. I wasn't willing to take the risks of dating, even though it was someone I really liked. So I'm a coward, really really, that's why I didn't tell you.”

L.Joe hid his face in his arm. Joon's heart ached. He hugged him and L.Joe cried into his chest instead, hot tears mixing with the cold rain.

“Come back inside, you'll get a cold.”

“I don't know why I ran off,” L.Joe said, recovering. “I can't go back in now.”

“They'll understand,” Joon said.

“So embarrassing. It's just been a tough day.”

“We all know that some days are like that,” Joon said, starting to lead him back.

They jogged back and got inside and Joon convinced L.Joe to shower first again, and then showered himself. Thunder had cleaned away the food, and G.O. found fresh sheets so L.Joe could borrow Seungho's bed.

“Just so we're clear,” G.O. asked, “you two aren't together right?”

Joon elbowed him.

“It's a fair question,” G.O. protested.

“We're not,” L.Joe confirmed.

“You, I trust,” G.O. said. “This one, you never know. He usually can't lie to save his life, but sometimes...”

Thunder found L.Joe a spare toothbrush, and talked to him for quite a while, giving tips on how to handle the members, what to talk about and what to ignore. He was so helpful and supportive, Joon had never seen him like this, except for that one month almost exactly a year ago.

 

 

 

Early 2012

Joon got some extra time off, after being discharged from the hospital in the morning, since there was nothing wrong with him except severe lack of sleep. The stressful situation of rehersals and performances combined with the lack of sleep had caused him to faint, they said. There weren't a lot of schedule right then anyway.

He'd been rushed off to the hospital immediately, and his phone had been taken away after he'd spoken to his mother to tell her he was okay. Which meant he had no idea how things were with L, when he arrived back at the dorm. Seungho told him not to worry about it right now. How could he not worry? He asked for his phone back, and Mir told him the managers had it. When he freaked out about it, and they told him they'd managed to erase the messages before the managers took it away. Then he freaked out about that. All the messages were gone? Months of conversation with L, the 100 first ones, everything? They'd had no choice, they said.

Joon spent the rest of the day moping in bed, only coming up for food. He didn't have any of L's contact information online, because they'd done everything over the phone, it had never seemed relevant. The other members didn't have L's number. He asked Seungho to get L's number from Dongwoo.

Eventually Seungho got enough of his whining. “I'm not going to help you,” he said, decisively. “He's trouble, you haven't slept properly since you started seeing him, I'm trying to be your friend here. Let it be.”

Joon shut himself in his room. He watched recordings and fancams of the New Year's performance to see how the bracelet incident had played out. No one had mentioned it to him, but maybe they were trying to not stress him out. L starting to bounce at the end of Infinite's performance made perfect sense now; he was showing off the bracelet. Bouncing up and down, waving his arm around like he was the happiest person alive. Joon both smiled and almost cried watching it.

He didn't see a living person until Thunder went to bed.

“Thunder,” Joon tried.

“I don't have L's number,” Thunder said automatically.

“What happened after I fainted?”

“Everyone freaked out, we got you to the hospital.”

“No, more specifically. Tell me what happened, exactly, what everyone did, what everyone said.”

“I don't remember, I freaked out too.”

Thunder never freaked out. “Tell me. I'll owe you a favor.” He switched tactic. “I won't be able to sleep until I know. I'll just lie here and wonder about it. You'll be responsible for my health not improving. I'll bother G.O. about it in the middle of the night and say it's your fault. I'll...”

“Okay, okay, jeez.” Thunder threw himself on the bed. “Okay, let's see. You fainted, L caught you and started shaking you, trying to...”

“L caught me?”

“He did, like out of a romance novel,” Thunder said teasing him. “And you looked like possessed with your eyes rolled up.”

That was not a happy picture, he could have done without that detail. “And then?”

“Hm, let's see, everyone gathered around you, Seungho-hyung got L off you and dragged him off into the corner. I'm pretty sure there was yelling. Then...”

“Yelling?”

Thunder sighed. “Look, I don't know exactly what they said, so I don't want to repeat the parts I did hear, in case they end up weird out of context. But it was mostly Seungho-hyung talking, and L listening. And then you woke up a little, enough that we could tell you were okay, but you said your knee hurt, I think you hit it against the floor. So we figured it would be best to get you to the hospital. Infinite promised to take care of the clean-up and anything else on location, and we all went with you.”

“I don't remember that,” Joon admitted. He did have a bruise on his knee.

“I'm not surprised, we barely got any words out of you, you looked like you were drunk out of your mind.”

Knowing L had seen him like that was not flattering. “Did L... um, did he say anything?”

“He wanted to go with us to the hospital,” Thunder remembered. “But of course he couldn't. I think he cried, when we told him he couldn't. The rest of Infinite had to drag him away.”

“Nothing else?”

“No,” Thunder said, shaking his head. “Nothing.”

Joon buried his face in the pillow. “Does it count as a break-up if one person passes out in the middle of it?”

“You broke up?”

“That's what I'm asking,” Joon said.

Thunder sat up on the bed, crossing his legs. “I don't know if it matters, strictly speaking. Seungho-hyung doesn't think you should see each other anymore. I think, although I repeat I didn't hear it very well, I think he told L to stay away from you.”

“It's not L's fault!” Joon exclaimed.

Thunder hushed him. “Hyung told us to not talk to you about it yet, so don't let him hear us.”

“I have insomnia, I had it before I met L too,” Joon said. “It comes and goes.”

“It's never been this severe. And hyung, you have to admit, L has been increasing the stress.”

Joon shook his head. “No! It might seem that way, but it's not like that. It's difficult sometimes, but so was being alone. Every time I was exhausted, and hadn't slept, and felt like giving up, L would have sent me a message and I got more energy. I wouldn't have lasted through these holiday events without him. I would have fainted long ago.”

Thunder sat quietly in the darkness for a little bit, before saying, “Hyung, it sounds like you love him.”

He should be saying this stuff to L, Joon realized. He should have said all of this to L, then, when he'd had the chance. “I don't know,” he said.

“Do you think he loves you too?” Thunder asked.

“Mm,” Joon said. He hadn't believed it when L had said it to Seungho, but now? After all this? “I don't know. Maybe?” He groaned and rolled over. “How do you know? How do you... I think he does. Or maybe he just likes my body.”

Thunder snickered. “Your body isn't _that_ great.”

“The way he looks at it, it could be,” Joon said, not able to suppress a smile. Just thinking about L made him happy, despite everything.

“Agh, if seeing him is going to make you this insuffrably proud of yourself, I'll just support Seungho-hyung,” Thunder said, falling backwards into bed again.

Joon settled into bed too. The doctor had given him pills for falling asleep, saying it could make him a little drowzy in the morning so he might not be able to use them when schedule started again, but he could use them now to get a routine. But he didn't want to take them. He'd try on his own first, at least. He hugged the stuffed rainbow rabbit and closed his eyes.

Two hours later, he got up and took the pill. It felt like a failure. But it did make him sleep.

 

The next two weeks, Joon spent most of the time at the dorm. Fans sent gifts and messages from all over, wishing him well. He gave some of the stuff to G.O. after G.O. whined about Joon always getting all the attention. He practiced some but got leave from all public appearances and was told to take it easy with any physical activity. The other members went off on things, but someone was there with him all the time, except when he went home to his mother for a few days. He cried to her, but didn't tell her why, she thought it was exhaustion.

Already three days in, Thunder and G.O. started taking strange interest in him. They enforced a bedtime, and refused to let him off on it. The fact that Thunder, who he shared room with, was being so stern meant he couldn't skip out. Sometimes he thought Thunder actually stayed awake to check that he went to sleep okay. They also drew up a schedule for food and insisted on it, to Mir's obvious frustration.

On day five, he finally got his phone back, however, L's number was erased. He fought with Seungho again, but Seungho did not budge. He tried to call Sungyeol, but Sungyeol didn't answer. Maybe Infinite had decided to keep them apart too, or L had told them to not talk to him.

That night when everyone had gone to bed and the dorm was still and quiet, Thunder took his phone. “This is what we're doing,” he said. “I'm changing my number to L's. And adding my number as SH.”

“What?” Joon said.

“I told L to be careful and not message so much, but this way, it will look like it's me. Keep your phone in silent, and they won't notice exactly when the messages arrive, and to be sure, don't check them when anyone's watching, or they'll notice you get super excited.”

“You've talked to L?” Joon asked.

“We happened to be at the same location, he sought me out,” Thunder said. “What you said made me think, hyung. I think maybe you're right about some things, maybe removing L from your life isn't the answer. Maybe it's just that you need to figure out how to be together without so much drama.”

Joon sat at attention.

“So this is it. You can talk, but you really have to keep it under control. One more mistake, and it's going to be over.”

“Thank you,” Joon said, feeling like he'd never meant it as much as this.

Thunder shook his head. “I just hope I'm doing the right thing.”

So did Joon.

He woke up his phone and tried it. Sent a heart. And even though it was late at night, almost instantly, he got one in return.

It felt like something precious and fragile, something that would break if he hoped too much. So he deleted it, because why would Thunder send him hearts? And he didn't send anymore, and neither did L.

 

He didn't dare to send anything else. For a few days, they just exchanged hearts a few times. Then he went to his mother, and called L. They talked about everyday things, like nothing had ever happened.

Then L said, “I want to be a good boyfriend, hyung. I'm sorry I was so stubborn. I didn't realize how difficult it was for you. I was all absorbed in how much I like you; I was selfish.”

“It's okay,” Joon said. “I worried too much. I won't do it now. We'll do it right this time.”

He didn't think too much about it then. Thunder and G.O. were still extra nice. For the next month, once a week they bought take-out, whatever he wanted. They kept making him sleep on time. When he went off the sleeping pill, he got difficulties again. Thunder covered for him so he could talk to L every evening, just chat a little about the day, which calmed him down. L talked to him about meditation and other methods to reduce stress, even talked him through it when he didn't want to do it. At first it was slow and boring and frustrating, but eventually he got used to having L's voice in his ear talking gently, guiding him through breathing excercises. He started sleeping more regularly.

Schedules resumed. He went from being tired and stressed all the time, to feeling full of energy, happy, excited about everything. The members complained about him being exhausting to be around, but they were joking, he knew. He learned the new choreography in record time. L still sent messages, but only one or two every day. Joon wanted to see him, but he kept saying not yet.

At the end of the month however, Joon was starting to wonder why L kept avoiding meeting up. L said his members didn't like it, he couldn't get away. But if Joon could sneak away, master liar L should be able to.

_Please, please, please see me, just for a moment,_ Joon sent.

L didn't answer for a long time, but in the evening sent the name and address of a tiny café in a corner of town Joon had never even heard about, and a time and date a few days away. Joon asked Thunder to cover for him, and Thunder said he wouldn't have to; they had that afternoon off, Joon could just say he was going to see his mother.

Joon dressed up, then dressed down when Thunder asked him why he was wearing such things to his mother's, so he was in his favorite everyday pants and a black hoodie with silver print. And a green armless turtleneck underneath that he thought showed off his chest exceptionally, because no one but L would see that. He stuffed an extra ring in his pocket, figuring he could put it on later. Then remembered the bracelet. He dug through his things, then Thunder's things, then Seungho's things, but couldn't find it. Now he was late.

He arrived at the café feeling nervous, like it was the first date. They hadn't seen each other in a whole month. A month! He kept the hood up, and had brought along a face-mask. He probably looked suspicious as hell, but he wasn't sure how safe the place was. He entered, looked around, and saw a character in hat and big glasses hanging out in a stairwell leading up, waving at him slightly. Even with the face obscured, he knew that body. He followed upstairs.

The café had more space here, three semi-small rooms with two tables each, overlooking the street. They went through two rooms into the furthest away one, where some things were already scattered; a jacket, a shoulder-bag. Two glasses of water were already on the table.

“Agh, hyung, I told them a friend was coming, you're late. So embarrassing.” L sat down in one of the two chairs, taking off his hat.

He was so beautiful, Joon's eyes hurt.

“Aren't you going to sit down?” L nodded at the other chair. Then got up and pulled it out for him. Joon had to sit now. L pushed him in a little, and went back to sit down again. Smiling, he opened an imaginary menu. “How about the finest meat they have. Red wine?” He put the menu down, and peered at Joon through the glasses. They made him look like a university student. “Are you not speaking to me?”

Joon was too busy looking at him. For weeks, all he'd had was L's voice over the phone. No video call, even.

L licked his lips and looked around. “Ah, excuse me.” He waved over the waitress, who was in the next room, and ordered coffees for them both. He even remembered what Joon had said he liked to drink. “Anything else?” L asked looking at Joon. “Yes, you had a plate of mixed cookies, right?” The waitress informed him it was usually recommended for four people, but L said he'd have it anyway. She left.

They sat in silence, watching each other. Somehow it never got awkward. L looked a little mystified, but kept a smiling face. The drinks and cookies arrived. The waitress seemed to think they were a little weird, sitting there in silence, Joon leaned back in his chair and L leaning forward on his elbows. She didn't say anything though, just dropped the food off and left. Joon tasted the coffee. Excellent.

“It was Woohyun-hyung who told me about this place,” L said. “He said idols could meet here and no one would know. It was long ago, but I remembered it now.” The cookies had arrived on a spinning plate, a variety of shapes and colors and types, some with chunks of chocolate or caramel, some topped with whipped cream. L turned the plate slowly. “Lee Joon, say something before I die,” he said.

“Does it count as a break up if one person passes out in the middle?” Joon asked.

“Aish.” L sighed. “Would I talk every night to someone who isn't my boyfriend?”

“I'm sure you're a great friend,” Joon said.

“My members could tell you, I'm really not that kind of friend.” L picked out a cookie; caramel with yellow cream on top. “I'm not a bad friend, but... I wouldn't do that for a friend.” He licked the cream off the cookie.

For once, Joon was sure it wasn't a play. L was just eating the cookie, forgetting about how it looked. But it had been a long time, and L looked so good, and just having him there in the same room made Joon heat up and his fingers crawl and he wanted to pull L close and hear his heart beat. Seeing L's tongue sweep out and lap up a mouthful of cream made his own heart beat faster.

“I shouldn't have said that stuff. Ah, lemon,” L said and licked some stray cream off his lip. “It's not like I really wanted to break up. It was just...”

Joon reached over, took the cookie from him and bit into it. Crunchy, sweet, and sour from the lemon. Not Joon's usual taste, but not bad either.

L stared at him. Blinked a few times and found his way back to what he was saying. “I don't want to break up. I got upset over the things you said, but maybe because I didn't really listen to what you said exactly. Of course we shouldn't be too obvious and make everything difficult for ourselves, and the others.” He spun the cookie plate again. “Ah, I really wanted that one,” he sighed.

Joon held out the cookie for him. L leaned forward and took it in his mouth; it crumbled, so he had to catch the rest of it with his hands. Joon drank some more coffee.

“Are you mad at me? I can't tell.” L chewed, looking happy despite what he said.

Joon shook his head.

“Then why aren't you saying anything?”

“I don't know. I like hearing your voice,” Joon said.

“You hear my voice every day.”

“I like looking at you.”

“You can look and talk at the same time!”

“I really, really wanted to see you,” Joon said.

“I wanted to see you too,” L said. “But I thought, I should let you recover, and help you get through your schedule, let you focus on your life. I didn't want to mess things up again. And I wasn't sure that, if we met, I wouldn't just... I bully you a little, don't I, hyung? I don't mean to, I think it's just who I am. So I didn't want to burden you, or mess up your sleep.”

“You don't mess up my sleep,” Joon said. “That's what Seungho-hyung told you isn't it? But it's not true. And you've been a great help now.”

“Like I said,” L said. “I want to be a better boyfriend.” He put a hand over his heart like he was swearing an oath. “I won't be a burden to Lee Joon ever again.” Then smiled shyly and said, “No more marks, no more public stunts, no more playing around. We'll do it right this time, hyung.”

“We will,” Joon said. But somehow he got the feeling L was trying to convince himself.

Joon found a cookie with dark chocolate that he liked. L ate a few more. They talked about things, all kinds of things, schedule, sleep, members, the way they had before. Time passed so quickly.

“I don't want to leave,” Joon admitted.

L shook his head in agreement.

“If this was a movie, we'd go to a hotel,” Joon mused. “It would be raining, and we'd split up so people didn't see us go in together... Myungsoo-yah, let's go to a hotel.”

L laughed.

“I mean it.”

“Aw, hyung, I'm trying to not make trouble,” L said, making an innocent face.

“It's fine, I'm the one making trouble this time. It's only fair. Come.” He got out of his chair, waved at L to move as well.

L put on his hat and jacket.

“Let's go, let's go!” Joon hurried him.

“At least let me pay for the coffees,” L muttered. “So impatient, this hyung.”

They paid and rushed away. Joon had no idea where to find this type of place. They drove around for a bit before they spotted something that looked right. Then Joon realized they should pay with cash, so he drove around to a machine and got some. Finally he parked fairly far away from the place, so no one would notice the car.

“This is crazy,” L said. “We can't do this. I'm being a good boyfriend. A responsible one, who takes care of you.”

“A good boyfriend also gets me laid,” Joon said.

L laughed. “What's with you.”

“I'll go first,” Joon said, putting on his face mask and folding up his hood. “I'll pretend to be sick, and they won't wonder why I'm wearing the mask. Then you lock the car and sneak in later.” He handed L the car keys.

“Ah, hyung, you're really...?”

Joon slammed the car door shut in the middle of L's sentence. He really was. He couldn't live another half hour without at least getting to run his hand through L's hair and kiss him. Jumping up and down a few times on the curb, he gathered himself. He wanted to be an actor; he'd already acted some, this should be easy. Hunching over a little, trying to walk differently than he did normally, he wandered into the hotel, coughing a little.

It was a cheap, simple place, but looked reasonably well kept and clean. Joon asked for a single room, paid in cash, and made sure to cough in between. The old woman who handled the desk didn't seem to care about him in the slightest though. She never looked at his face, only checked the money and handed him a key. He headed up, found his door and went in.

Places like this had cameras for security reasons. He tried to check the room so that there weren't cameras in there too, but wasn't sure what he was looking for. Then realized L wouldn't know which room he got, so he opened the door and saw L down the corridor. L saw him too and hurried over.

“Did you get in okay?” Joon asked.

L took his hat off. “Agh, I'm melting, I got so warm.” He looked around. “It's not as bad as I thought it would be.”

The wallpaper was atrocious, but the furniture looked okay, and the sheets were bleached white.

“Check for cameras,” Joon said.

L opened the door to the bathroom. “This isn't a spy movie,” he said. “Hm, this doesn't look too bad either. But I hope you don't need to use the toilet.”

“Check anyway, just in case,” Joon said.

They went over the room. L complained, but seemed to take it seriously for Joon's sake. They pulled down the blinds and made sure the door locked well.

“I'm so warm, I should take a shower,” L said.

“I don't care if you're sweaty.” Joon pulled him in and dug his fingers into L's hair. Ah, he'd wanted to do this all day. All week.

“Don't rush this, hyung. Now that we're here, we might as well do it properly,” L said. Joon smiled at that and tried to kiss him, but L ducked away. “Shower, shower. Just relax for a minute, I'll be right out.” Snatching his bag up, L disappeared into the bathroom, and locked the door.

Joon got out of his jacket and hoodie. There was a mirror next to the door, Joon fixed his hair best he could. He checked the bed; it was a bit hard. Kicked out of his shoes, moved some pillows, moved them back, threw them on the floor. Rooms like these weren't very sound proof; he should keep that in mind. He checked his phone, no messages. Sent a message to his mom, _If anyone asks, I was with you today_. She would play along, but he'd have to explain himself later. Mm, he wished he could take L to meet his mother in person. Would they like each other? Why was L taking so long? Was he freaking out? The shower stopped, but still no sign of him. Joon got up, then the door opened.

L came out. Naked. Still with drops of water clinging to his skin in places, hair wet and pushed back. A flicker of the eyes, a quick glimpse of tongue as he licked his lips, a tiny embarrassed smile, but mostly calm and confident. Absolutely stunning. Joon's eyes wandered down to the black patch of hair at his crotch, he was half-hard already, rearing to go. L let him look for a bit, before walking up to him, slipping his fingers into Joon's hair at the back of his neck to pull him in and kiss him.

Joon let his hands roam all the smooth, warm skin, as L pressed himself against Joon's body, all the way from knees to shoulders. Moaning, senses overwhelmed, Joon lost himself in the kiss. Wet L smelled fresh and daring and sexy.

L turned them so Joon's back was towards the side of the bed, and pushed him down. Skillful hands got Joon out of his pants without a hitch, then, leaving the underwear on, L crawled on top of him and sat on his hips. Throwing his head back, L rode him slowly, rubbing his ass over Joon's growing erection, lean muscles working under Joon's appreciative hands. Joon waited for him to get impatient, but he stayed, stayed until Joon was aching and panting.

“Mmm, Myungsoo-yah,” Joon groaned. “Let me fuck you.”

Then finally L smiled, grinned like he'd won something. Lifting himself, he pushed Joon's underwear down and spat in his hand before jacking him a few times. Then bit his lip and got ready.

What, already? Joon grabbed his thigs, “Wait, what...?” But L was already sinking down on him, ass greedily swallowing up his cock. He must have, ah, he must have prepared himself in the shower. L closed his eyes, breathing, and settled, and Joon was all the way in. So hot and slippery. Being inside L was the most amazing thing, not only for Joon's cock, but the idea alone, and the reality in particular, made heat flare all through his body. Every time it was equally hard to believe that it could be happening, that he was really here, that cool, chic L would let him – Lee Joon – do something so intimate, so dirty to him.

“Fuck, you're amazing,” Joon heard himself say.

L smiled and rolled his hips, and damn, Joon hadn't even started to understand what amazing meant. Putting on a sexy face, eyelids heavy with desire, L fucked himself on Joon's cock, deliciously slowly. Joon massaged his thighs, moving in equally slowly, until his hand closed around L's hard-on, swaying along abandoned. L shuddered and moaned. He leaned forward, whispering, “Oh god, oh god.”

As beautiful as he was like this, Joon knew it wasn't what he really wanted. He took L's hand and kissed his fingers and said, “Let me fuck you, Myungsoo-yah.”

L shook his head. “Mmm, this is good.”

“I want to,” Joon said. “Like the first time. On your hands and knees. Let me.”

L was breathing heavily as he nodded, climbing off, getting in position. The look on his face said he was lost in pleasure, it seemed to Joon like he'd do whatever he asked him to. Would he?

“Ah, Myungsoo-yah. Put your head down.” He pushed L's neck slightly. L gave way, going down on his elbows and resting his head against the mattress. This way his ass was perked up in the air, especially exposed. Joon stopped and enjoyed the sight.

“Mm, hurry,” L moaned.

Joon kissed the small of his back. “Move a little for me.”

L made an embarrassed noise and buried his face.

“Please?” Joon kept touching him, just for the contact. L groaned in protest, but did it, wiggled his ass cutely from side to side. “Ah, I can see right into you,” Joon realized.

“Ya! Lee Joon!” L exploded, his true colors showing. “Fuck me already!”

Joon chuckled and positioned and L's breathing changed in anticipation. Holding on to L's hips tightly he pushed in, making L moan and gasp. Joon wished he could do this forever. L's rhythmic groans as he slammed into him pushed him closer and closer, inch by inch loading the spring, until he felt like he would burst, and he closed his hand over L's hand, already jacking L's cock, following the motions, letting L set the pace for the fucking. With one last, explosive groan, L came onto the white hotel sheets, rocking back into Joon hard, insides rippling as his body cramped up. Joon tried to hold the pace but the first few thrusts made L whine with overstimulation, a desperate, vulnerable sound that kicked him over and shot him into the sky. L grabbed his thigs and held him in place, wanting him to come inside. Joon collapsed over him, their quick breaths mixing together.

After a few moments Joon felt like he had enough strength to move again. He rolled over on his side, and L followed, settling in with his forehead against Joon's chest.

“I'm sorry,” he said.

“Sorry?” Joon echoed. Sorry for what exactly? “Sorry you're so fantastic? That you look so hot, and make me come so hard?”

L giggled cutely against his chest. “I wanted us to do it your way,” he said, “but I ended up yelling at you anyway.”

“My way?” Joon asked. “I don't mind that you yell at me. I kind of like being bossed around. Even if I complain, I like it, when it's you.”

“Still,” L said. “I couldn't keep it together even one time.”

“You can practice,” Joon offered. “I won't mind if we do it a few more times. Or you might need a lot of practice, that's okay too. I'm willing to make the sacrifice.” He felt himself grin like a fool at the silliness.

L punched his chest weakly.

Joon could stay like this forever. Had he thought that before? Every moment was worth being in forever. Each one was great in a different way. Every moment with L, every side of L, all of it was worth savoring.

“If this was a movie, what would happen now?” L asked.

Joon thought about it. “Depends what kind of movie it is,” he said. “Maybe your wife would come crashing in the door.” L chuckled. “Or there would be a reveal. Gasp! Myungsoo-yah, this tattoo, does it mean you slept with my sister too?” L started laughing at his voice acting. “Hm, or enemies would kick in the door and we'd have to dodge bullets and fight them naked.”

L grabbed the neckline of his top. “One, you're not naked, two, you're making this up, that never happens in movies.”

“Fine, fine,” Joon said. “What do you think would happen then?”

L thought about it. “Fade to black,” he said. “Next scene, we've skipped ahead in time, the couple is fighting over something, it's all ironic and bittersweet.”

So L watched those kinds of movies. “But they make up in the end right?”

L's hands burrowed under Joon's shirt. “Sometimes,” he said.

 

 

 

Early 2013

There was no getting out of it. Joon had gotten signed up for another episode of Running Man, and L was going to be in it as well.

“Is it really going to be okay?” Mir asked.

“I can handle it,” Joon said. He had to.

The day before the episode was set to film, L.Joe messaged him,

_Fighting!_

Which cheered him up a bit. He'd told L.Joe about L when L.Joe had asked if he'd really dated guys after debut. He trusted L.Joe to keep it a secret. Besides, with the rest of the idol world shunning him, who would L.Joe tell? At least it seemed like Teen Top had gotten their shit together. They were back to work and reasonably cohesive, much thanks to Thunder helping out, as far as Joon understood.

The day of filming, Joon was tired. He was still doing We Got married, as well as other activities, and had had trouble sleeping. Still, he had to give it his best, at least for the other idols. SHINee's Minho and CNBlue's Yonghwa were both the type who had to win, and Joon didn't want to be the one to mess it up. He talked to Kwanghee a bit, and did his best with the filming and the competitions, but mostly hung out in the background.

L did well. L did better than well. He made f(x)'s Sulli exclaim “Who is that?” at the sled race, he made a good jump at the water long jump. And the way he came out of the water, pushing his hair out of his face, Joon's heart stopped and his cock remembered L coming out of the shower. But for all L's hard work, and how well he looked, he absolutely, one hundred percent, ignored Joon. Not a look, not a word. It was done smoothly, as befitted the world's best liar. None of the other participants or the staff on set probably noticed. It seemed like by chance, L ended up in a different seat in the car, L talked to Yonghwa during the breaks in the broom-hockey, L sat with Yonghwa by the pool. Joon had worried about what he'd do if L paid him attention or tried to play games. He should be relieved that L was ignoring him. Instead, he wondered if L was ending up next to Yonghwa all the time accidentally or on purpose.

They were finishing with the hunting game as usual. Joon had done it before, and he was excited to try again; he had tricks he'd learned that he'd love to test, and the thought of maybe actually winning it for his team made him giddy. The tiredness ran off him. He put on the pink hat and shook his muscles loose and turned around... and Yonghwa had his hand on L's head, correcting the way the hat fit, smiling and nodding at it looking good. L's innocent face made a hole open up at the bottom of Joon's stomach.

He tried to focus. He tried to keep it out of mind and stick to the game. L got caught immediately. For some reason it made him sad, when he should be gloating. The others stuck together during the hunts, but Joon kept to himself. He didn't want to see Yonghwa's face and be distracted again.

In the end they lost the game. Joon couldn't help but feel that maybe, if he'd talked to the others about strategies instead of hiding on his own, it could have gone better. But he just couldn't stand there with L. Couldn't talk to the group and see L pretending he didn't exist in the corner of his eye. Couldn't look at Yonghwa's face without wanting to yell at him to keep his hands off L like some psycho ex.

The games had been tiring, the final hunt had been exhausting, he felt like he'd been mauled by a bear. So when he got out from the changing rooms and found himself alone in a corridor with L, he just couldn't. Couldn't deal. Couldn't even walk away.

“Had fun today?” he asked with faked nonchalanse.

L glanced over at him. “You look beat up.”

“I guess for once it's me,” Joon said. Ah, why was he like this, he didn't want to be this kind of guy. L was the one playing games and punching below the belt, not him.

L crossed his arms, leaned against the wall and said nothing.

“Waiting for Yonghwa?”

L's eyes narrowed spitefully. “What if I am?”

It shouldn't hurt this much. L probably just said it to piss him off anyway. But the bottom of his stomach seared with white-hot jealousy. “You're wasting your time. He'd never take that kind of risk,” Joon said. “He's too concerned with his image.”

“It's funny you say that,” L said. “That's what people usually say about me.”

Joon had never heard anyone say that about L, but it was possible. Some thought the L-act was Myungsoo trying to be chic and cool. Because they couldn't imagine more depth to a person than that. And L was so much more complicated than anyone else knew. At least Joon still had that. He alone knew.

“Do you know what everyone says about you?” L asked.

“A lot of things,” Joon said. He knew there was a lot of negativity about him going around, but it usually didn't bother him that much. It came with the territory, he figured. The more popular you got, the more people had opinions on everything you did.

“Lee Joon can't even keep a fake relationship together. It's clear to see now,” L said, referring to the We Got Married broadcast. “He messes up even the smallest things. Too intimidated by that bitch to stand up for himself even a little. Aren't you embarrassed to let everyone see you like that, hyung?”

Joon felt his jaw clench, his whole body tense. “Why are you like this,” he said, then thought it sounded too weak and said the only thing he could say. “Are you jealous? Maybe you want to be that bitch.”

L snorted. “He doesn't even defend her,” he said. “What a great husband.”

He couldn't win. Joon should know that, and never, ever open his mouth. He could never win against L.

“I guess it's not strange that she's getting what she needs elsewhere. Word is she's seeing someone in real life, it's bound to leak soon. Poor Lee Joon, can't even hold on to a fake wife. How will he ever get a real one?” L pushed himself off the wall, as Yonghwa came out of a side room. “Yonghwa-hyung! One second.” He hurried off to catch up, while Yonghwa and Jonghyun waited for him.

Joon watched them leave. Just three guys walking shoulder to shoulder down the hallway, like from a commercial. He hated L. Hated how good he looked, how unbothered he seemed. Hated that he always had to win. Hated the way he said 'Lee Joon', because it still made his heart beat faster, L still said it exactly the same way as he'd done when he'd had Joon's cock buried up his ass. Maybe not exactly the same. But close enough.

He was in a foul mood for a couple of days. He tried to cheer himself up for filming We Got Married, just to make sure L didn't see him get discouraged, but it was incredibly exhausting. At least he slept, since he just passed out when his head hit the pillow.

Just a few days later, he was hanging out with the rest of MBLAQ after they'd had a meeting to plan some other activites. They ended up eating what Joon wanted to eat. Full and relaxed and happy to just hang around with his members, Joon spread out on the floor. His phone beeped.

“Hyung,” Mir said, which made everyone pay attention.

Joon checked his phone. L.Joe. _Did you see the news? You have to check right now._

“Hyung,” Mir said again and Joon realized he was talking to him.

“What?”

Mir wordlessly held out his phone, showing a major news site, and a big headline. “MBLAQ's Lee Joon's violence against idols.”

Seungho's phone rang. It sounded like it was one of their managers. Mir and Joon read the article. G.O. fetched the laptop and started looking around, with Thunder over his shoulder. “No,” Seungho kept saying. “No, no I don't know what... no of course not.” He hung up. “We shouldn't talk to anyone for a bit. The managers will find out what's going on.”

“This is going on,” G.O. said and turned the laptop around.

A video. No sound. Joon immediately recognized it as Infinite's practice room. L, in pants and t-shirt, sitting with his back to the camera practicing. Then the door slamming open, Joon rushing in. Heated discussion, L looking hesitatant trying to calm Joon down. There was pushing, Joon was surprised at how threatening he seemed himself. Who had told him he was bad at acting? He'd been so nervous, so afraid. But the way it looked to others... On screen, he locked the door while L passively backed away; then L was grabbed and it looked like Joon was about to hit him, when L pointed out the camera, and Joon threw his jacket over it.

Someone must have cut the video because it was only black for a little while. When Joon removed the jacket again, L looked rustled, his face a little red, the bruises on his arms actually visible as vague shadows. Joon opened the door, turned back, and forced his sweater on L. Then grabbed his arm and dragged him away. Seungho was never visible, neither was it really clear that there was a person outside at all.

This wasn't how it had gone down, but the video evidence painted up a nice, clear scenario, in which Joon was the villain.

“This is that day,” Seungho said.

Joon nodded.

“There was a camera in the room? Ah, this is... How stupid are you?”

Joon didn't want to hear it. He leaned his forehead in his hands and peered between his arms at the screen, where the video had stopped on the last frame. Who had gotten hold of this? Why release it now?

“Ah, what do I do,” he said desperately.

“The managers will figure it out,” Mir said.

Thunder was tapping his phone, typing.

“This can be explained, there must be a way to turn it around,” G.O. said. “Even if people won't listen to you, won't this go away if L explains what happened? I mean, a better version of what happened. I don't want to know what really happened. What really happened?”

L. L? Joon shook his head. “He won't.”

“I'm sure he will,” Seungho said. “Even if you broke up, he wouldn't want to destroy you. I'll call Dongwoo.”

Joon wasn't so sure.

Then in the evening, L.Joe messaged, _I made it worse, hyung, I'm sorry._

The reason was another video, posted on a fan site. Joon, in the rain, rushing after L.Joe down the street, grabbing his arm, holding him in. Scolding him, it looked like, by the way L.Joe bent his head and seemed apologetic. Joon hugged him close, then took his arm and dragged him back, the camera followed them up the street to the MBLAQ dorm.

The person who had uploaded the video wrote, _I thought this was just two idols interacting, but now with the recent information regarding Lee Joon, I suddenly saw it in a new light. Is Lee Joon bullying other idols? Dragging him back to the dorm like that, what was L.Joe doing there in the first place? I stayed several hours and L.Joe never came back out._

“I'm trying to get someone out of the cold rain!” Joon exclaimed. “I'm being nice!”

“This is how they'll interpret everything now,” Thunder said. “Everything you've ever done.”

“Aish!” Joon complained and doubled over on the couch, arms over his head. “I'm someone who doesn't even touch my fake wife! How can they think this about me.”

“At least L.Joe will combat this,” Thunder said.

“But what can he say?” Seungho said. “He can't tell the truth. They won't want Teen Top's internal problems to become public knowledge. And even if L.Joe isn't actively denying the rumors about him, they won't let him say anything that confirms them either. So what was he doing here? Why did Joon drag him back? A mysterious comment that 'it's not like that' won't calm down this wave.”

“His company might not let him say anything,” G.O. said. “Or the public will say that whatever he says, he says it to protect himself.”

“It's ridiculous though,” Mir said. “Joonie-hyung, bullying idols? Beating up L? It's so stupid I don't know what to say about it.”

Seungho eyed Joon. Then decided, “Too stupid to even think about. Try to get some sleep and we'll discuss this with the managers in the morning, they'll have worked out a plan with the company.” Then took Joon to the side. “Have you considered if L released the video himself? When I talked to Dongwoo earlier, it seemed L was refusing to say anything about it. Infinite was in some state too.”

Joon didn't know. Couldn't be sure. Could L really have leaked the video? The timing was suspicious, after their argument at Running Man.

Joon tossed and turned but didn't get a wink of sleep. After all the hard work, all the sacrifices, the blood, sweat and tears, was this how it was going to end?

 

 

 

Early 2012

Things were good for a while, almost too good, and sometimes Joon got the feeling L was holding things back, keeping secrets from him. His life was in a pretty good phase though, he did okay with activites, he was sleeping properly, he got to see L with regular intervals. Like L had said, their relationship was now one without marks and without public stunts. He should be happier than ever before. But there was something, some little thing that kept nagging on his mind, something he couldn't put his finger on. Things were _too_ perfect, too ordered. And the more time passed by, the more he started to worry about it. That something was wrong, something L worked so hard to keep away from him that it only appeared in the empty spaces where it should have been. And sometimes, just once or twice, he caught L crying. L denied it like his life depended on it, Joon had to let it go, but he knew what he saw. Nothing else in L's life seemed to warrant tears; his work was going fine, nothing was wrong with his family or friends. So what had him that upset?

A month later, they revealed their relationship to Infinite, asking them to keep it from Seungho for a while longer. He spent a night at Infinite's dorm, and when he went home, he should be feeling better than ever. Instead, he was sure that L's smiles just weren't as bright as they had been.

The next week, Infinite did a radio interview. Because it was on early in the morning, Joon had the rare opportunity to watch the video feed live. They chatted about various things, schedule, music. Then they asked if Infinite had idol friends. Dongwoo mentioned Seungho, Sunggyu said he didn't really have any, L said FT Island's Minhwan. Sungyeol said Joon.

Minhwan? Joon mused over it half the day, then messaged L,

_Minhwan?_

L apparently had a break, beacause he answered instantly,

_Minhwan._

_Why did you say that?_

_Because he's my friend. I do have friends, you know._

_Why not me?_

L called him. Joon's display still said Thunder, but Thunder was standing right over there talking to a stylist. He wandred away to the side and answered, keeping his eyes on Seungho.

“I thought we were trying to stay under the radar,” L said.

“They asked if you were friends with someone, we can be friends.”

“I answered their question. Minhwan is my friend. Hyung isn't.”

“I'm not your friend?”

“You know what you are.”

L sounded tired. It pissed Joon off for some reason. What, he wasn't worth talking to? “I said we should be careful, not pretend like we don't exist. I should be your first friend.”

“Are you jealous of a stupid radio interview? Everyone just mentioned random people. Sungyeol said your name, and you barely speak to him anymore.”

“Sure, I'm just stupid,” Joon said.

“Hyung,” L said, sounding really tired now, “You get angry when I say one thing and angry when I say the other thing, whatever I do it's wrong, and then you decide that you're stupid and make it sound like it's my fault.”

“It's not like that, that's not what I meant, but you had a chance to say something where it was actually safe, and...”

“Everything I've done has been safe! No one has even tried to connect us, not from the interview I did, not from the bracelets, nobody noticed any marks on me, nothing! Just because you say it's safe, it's safe, and when I say it, it isn't?”

“It wasn't just me, Seungho-hyung...”

“Fuck Seungho,” L snapped. “When are you going to make your own choices, and not just listen to everyone else?”

“I agreed with Seungho-hyung!” Joon exclaimed, and saw Seungho look around hearing his own name. Agh. He lowered his voice again. “I agreed with him, and I happen to like having friends around me to support me.”

L sighed. “You're such a dongsaeng. Are friends more important than me?”

What was that supposed to mean? “You don't listen to your members? How often do you see Minhwan? More than me?”

“My members listen to _me_!” It sounded like L took the phone away from his mouth for a second, then came back, voice forcibly calmed down. “Yes, I see Minhwan more than you. I see a lot of people more than you. You're the one who wanted us to be this careful.”

“It seems Myungsoo-yah also likes to have friends,” Joon said and hung up.

He tried to stay angry. But he had to put on a cheerful face for Seungho, and Mir was having one of those days full of bouncy energy acting cute. The anger was slowly washed out. Left underneath was terrible fear that kept seeping into his mind making him insecure about everything, not just L but everything in his life. Was he doing well enough? Was he funny enough on the variety shows? Did Seungho suspect something? His heart kept beating faster than it had any reason to. Had he worked out enough, his body wasn't quite as good as it had been. Was his voice okay? Would anyone care about that one comment he made that sounded pretty stupid?

Mir wondered why he was so silent, but he kept having this feeling that if he opened his mouth and said something, everyone would laugh at him. Usually he was satisfied with getting a reaction, but right now he didn't think he could handle it.

That evening when L called as usual, Joon kept talking, talking, talking, drowning out any moment where L would have a chance to say something he didn't want to hear. He talked about everything that came to mind, but shallow things, everyday things. When he hung up, the silence felt like it was going to eat him up. He tried to do the things they'd practiced – he took another shower, tried to do the breathing and relaxing excercises, but he just couldn't sleep. He was too tired to do anything sensible. Eventually he took the laptop to the living room and watched random videos until he passed out.

L didn't send any messages. Joon sent him a few hearts, but got nothing in return. The next night he couldn't bring himself to call L, so he just did the things they'd practiced by himself. It became the second night he passed out on the couch at dawn. When Thunder woke him up, he looked worried.

“Your insomnia is back, hyung?” he asked.

“It's just a bit of stress,” Joon said, waving him off. “Don't worry about it. Let's get started on today.” Although he didn't feel one bit like getting started on anything.

At lunch, Sungyeol called him. “Are you busy, hyung?” he asked.

They hadn't talked directly to each other for two months, only greeted one another when Joon went over to their dorm. “Kind of,” Joon said.

“I thought we might go out drinking.”

Joon pounced at the mere idea of a chance to talk about L. “Tomorrow?”

“Okay, tomorrow.”

Tomorrow marked day three with minimal sleep, and Joon felt like a zombie. Nevertheless, he got into street clothes in the evening. G.O. wondered if he was really going to go out like that, maybe he should come with? In the end, G.O. and Mir tagged along. Joon didn't think Sungyeol would mind.

They hung out for a bit. Joon didn't want to just attack Sungyeol with questions, so they talked about the usual stuff, schedule, MBLAQ, Infinite. Then G.O. got a call and Mir went to the bathroom.

“I know you're dying to ask about L,” Sungyeol said as soon as Mir was out of earshot.

Joon was furthest into the booth, opposite Sungyeol, with one foot up and his back into the corner where the wall and the seat met. He fidgeted nervously, spinning his half-empty glass. He hadn't had much to drink, but the sleep depravation had made him more sensitive; he felt drunk.

“I called you out today because L's been a bit grumpy lately, and when we had lunch alone together him and me yesterday, he talked about you.”

Joon resisted the urge to lean forward. “What did he say?” he asked.

“I'm not telling you exactly what he said, he said it in confidene,” Sungyeol said. “But, hm, I think he wants you to fight for him.”

“I am fighting for him,” Joon said. “I'm...” he shook his head. He couldn't just unload in Sungyeol the first time they met in months.

“You can tell me,” Sungyeol said. “I won't tell him what you say. I'm trying to help.”

“I'm tired of fighting,” Joon said, words tumbling over each other. “I feel like I've fought for him several times already, and he never does the same. Now I can't sleep again. I don't know what I'm doing.”

“Your insomnia is back?”

“I haven't slept in three days. It's interfering with schedule. We said it wouldn't be like this this time, but maybe this is what we are? Maybe it can't get better than this.”

“You guys fight a lot,” Sungyeol agreed.

“That's all we ever do,” Joon said. Then regretted it. “That's not true, it's been calm these last weeks. But... something's off. I know he's hiding something from me. I think he cries, sometimes, when he thinks I don't notice. Does he cry a lot?”

Sungyeol's eyes wandered away. That was a yes, then. “He seems a little distracted. Unsettled,” Sungyeol said. “Tired, a lot of the time. Like he's too busy. He's away a lot.”

Away? Certainly not away with Joon. Joon drank the rest of the glass in one shot, and, while wiping his mouth with the back of his hand said, “Sungyeol, is he looking at someone else?”

“Hyung,” Sungyeol said, like he didn't know what to say. “I don't think so,” he said then, but hesitantly. “But he's-, it's difficult to know, with him. He has individual schedule, he comes and goes, he's always been good at hiding things from us. He's been very busy lately, too busy to come out with us. But that's all I know.”

The back of Joon's throat burned. From alcohohol, nothing else, he told himself. “Busy,” he said. “He never tells me. He never tells me when he goes out with friends either.”

“He doesn't tell us either,” Sungyeol said. “For all the talking you two do, it's like you don't really communicate.”

“I never manage to say what I want to say. Nothing goes as I want it to with him. We said we'd do it right. This time, we'll get it right. That's what we said.”

Sungyeol looked down at the table and then back up at him. “What if you can't get it right because you're wrong for each other?”

Despair shot through Joon like a bullet, tearing parts of him away with it. He swallowed, trying to push down the aching ball at the back of his throat.

“Don't freak out, just think about it,” Sungyeol said. “You can't keep going like this. Not if it's interfering with your work.”

Joon ran his fingers back and forth over his forehead trying to find something for his mind to get a hold of, like a falling man grasping for something to grab onto. He couldn't feel like this all the time, it just wouldn't work. “I can't do this,” he said, not sure of what exactly 'this' was.

“Hyung, calm down,” Sungyeol said.

Pity. It was pity in his voice. Joon was suddenly overcome with anger. He shot forward, leaning on his elbows on the table. “I said I wanted someone who wanted me more,” he said, staring into Sungyeol's eyes. “I said I wanted someone who would send me a hundred messages in a day, someone who loved me because I was always the one to like more. And you got me L! This is your fault! All of it! He doesn't love me more! He wants someone who holds on to _him_! I'm the one who has to do all the work!”

Sungyeol held up his hands. “I didn't 'get you' L, believe me. But besides that, I agree. I always thought L needed someone who looked after him, someone who could pour love on him, not the other way around. A hyung, and Joon-hyung is more like a dongsaeng, or a friend.”

He couldn't get mad at that, he agreed that he didn't fit well as a hyung. “He's so needy,” Joon muttered and leaned back again.

Mir slid into the seat next to him. “Who?” he asked, just as Joon realized G.O. had been sitting next to Sungyeol for a bit. How long? He wasn't sure. Where had G.O. come from anyway? His head spun.

“No one,” Joon said.

“Everyone knows you're seeing L again,” G.O. said.

Joon jumped. “Ah?”

“Seungho found out two weeks ago, Thunder and I talked him down, he's letting it be for now, but he said the managers have got their eyes on you, suspecting something is going on, so you should be careful.”

“And you?” Joon asked Mir.

“Thunder told me,” Mir said, cheerful as ever. “He didn't think it was fair if I was the only one to not know. A hyung, your breath, you're drunk!”

Joon leaned his head on Mir's shoulder, spun around so he could put his feet up against the wall, and settled in. Some of the stress went away knowing his members knew. He hated keeping secrets from the team.

“Is he falling asleep?” G.O. asked.

“Shut up,” Joon said.

Mir patted his head. “Why did you get so drunk?”

“You mean why did he get so drunk on his own,” G.O. said. “Let's get another round. Sungyeol?”

“Sure,” Sunyeol said.

Joon closed his eyes. All the thoughts were still spinning in his head, but he was sure he'd figure it out, if he could just stay here for a moment.

 

Sharp little light-knives cut into Joon's eyes. He blinked and rolled over and tried to hide in the pillow.

“He didn't catch fire,” Mir said.

“He still looks like a vampire,” G.O. said. Mir laughed.

“Rise and shine!” Thunder chirped and poked him. “Breakfast time. Lots to do today. And remember we scheduled extra work outs tonight.”

Joon groaned. “Go away.”

“Who's the fool who went out drinking on a week night?”

“G.O. and Mir too,” Joon said, too tired to fight back when Thunder stole the blanket.

“You were supposed to keep an eye on him,” Seungho said from the door.

“We got him home, didn't we!” G.O. protested. “He's an adult!”

“Is he,” Seungho said and left.

“I'm an adult!” Mir said, holding up his hand. “I got out of bed all on my own!”

“Shut up,” Joon tried, although since when had the members ever listened to that.

They dragged him out of bed. After breakfast and shower, he started feeling vaguely human again, but his head still hurt. At least he'd gotten a lot of hours of sleep, comparatively. He drank a lot of water and put on some make-up to hide the dark circles and got going.

Halfway into the day, he actually felt better than yesterday. That extra sleep proved a greater positive than the alcohol was a negative. Net gain. He ran into some friends at the venue and ate lunch with them, and felt kind of good about himself when MBLAQ gathered at the dorm in the evening, having a short break before the work out was planned.

And then there was a knock on the door. G.O. was persuaded to go open. Joon headed for the shower, before he heard G.O. say, “What are you doing here?”

Then L answering, “I need to talk to him.”

Joon froze mid-step.

“Now,” L said, and he had that voice again, that wasn't to be argued with. G.O. of course tried, and was ignored. L entered the living room where Joon stood motionless. Seungho stepped in.

“What do you want? I thought I made clear...”

L slid past him, too swiftly for Seungho to react, and pushed Joon through the open bathroom door, closed it and locked it. Joon's mind got stuck on the door. He didn't know it could be locked; it probably hadn't been locked since they moved in here, they were like brothers and someone might need to get in. He expected Seungho to bang on it, but nothing happened. L turned towards him, and the look on his face zapped Joon to life again.

“Wha- what- how did you get here,” Joon stammered.

“Hyung,” L said.

Joon couldn't read his mood, his face and his voice were somehow locked down, dead. L's eyes locked in on him and with slow, dragging motions, L closed the distance and hugged him, resting his chin against Joon's shoulder. Joon stayed frozen, quietly panicking.

“Let's break up,” L said softly in his ear.

It wasn't a question, or a threat, or a test. It wasn't L being angry or spiteful or childish. It was a statement, like it was already fact.

“Why?” Joon asked, feeling his eyes tear up, his chest cramp. He couldn't react properly, because this wasn't happening. He wasn't sure what was happening, but it wasn't this, his brain hadn't caught up with reality, or maybe it was the other way around.

“We're both tired of fighting. It was a mistake, this. We're wrong for each other. I should never have said yes, when you asked me to be your boyfriend. We lost our minds for a bit, hyung, but it's time to wake up. Dawn is over.”

_I want to kiss you so much. But dawn is over, it's time to stop dreaming and wake up. Thank you for dreaming with me._

Joon grabbed him, hugging him back, holding him in place. “I can't,” he said.

“You don't have to pretend, I know you feel the same way. Let's just part like this, like friends.”

“I don't. I don't feel the same way. Sometimes it's hard and we fight, but I- I can't do this without you.”

L remained in his arms for a moment, before trying to twist free, pushing at him, and then he was clawing at Joon's shirt, a glimmer of tears in his eyes while he unbuttoned Joon's pants, breathing hot air at Joon's ear. This wasn't the time, why did it always have to go like this, but L's need was, momentuous, overwhelming, it ate up any thoughts Joon might have had and filled him with the same desperation. Suddenly they were both panting, tearing clothes off, kissing like they'd die without breathing each others' breaths. Joon turned them around and slammed L's back against the wall, and L's moan vibrated through his chest and into Joon's. Joon ground up against him and he spread his legs and dug up Joon's cock and pulled at it, too hard and too fast, his other hand digging into Joon's back holding their bodies together. Joon leaned on his elbows on either side of L's head, while L brought their hard-ons together. The air was too hot to breathe, Joon was gasping for oxygen, kissing L's neck and grinding rythmically against him in time with L jacking them both.

When L curled forward, forehead dragging down Joon's chest, his quick breaths against Joon's skin seemed to set fire to his veins. As if all the emotions from before, darting around confusedly, had been corralled into this one outlet, he felt like he was burning up, like nothing could save him but L's skin against his. He just had to come, and then everything would be okay, he had to come or he'd go insane. He bit L's shoulder, and L's whole body trembled.

“Ah, I can't-” Joon groaned, fucking L's hand because L had stopped moving it. Knees giving in, L came, shuddering and moaning into Joon's chest. He sounded stricken with the same panicked fever as Joon, and it didn't seem like orgasm made anything okay, rather the opposite; L sounded like it hurt, all the way to the core of his bones. L's hand cramped around him and slipped over the head and Joon came with his forehead pressed against the wall, grabbing on to L whose knees were giving in and holding him up.

L let him for just a moment, before he pried himself loose and slid down the wall to sit on the floor. “Fuck,” L breathed, rubbing his face against his arm, because his hands were covered in their mixed cum.

Joon leaned his back against the wall next to him. This still wasn't real.

Slowly, painfully, L got to his feet and took a few steps.

“Don't go,” Joon said.

L turned on the tap and rinsed his hands. “Don't be like this,” L said. “Sungyeol told me how you feel. Let's at least not fight, this one time.”

“Sungyeol... Sungyeol did what?”

“You talked to him yesterday,” L said. “I know what you said.”

Joon barely knew what he'd said, he had to stop and think. The night was drowned in alcohol, but if he made an effort he could pull memories back up through the hazy surface. Words, sentences, looks. “Sungyeol promised not to tell you what I said,” Joon said.

“He probably feels more obligated to take my side,” L said. He was washing his hands incredibly meticulously. “Considering what you told him, he probably felt he had to tell me.”

What had he told him? That he was tired of fighting. That they didn't seem able to get it right. “We can do better,” Joon tried.

“Why are you like this, hyung? You said I wasn't what you wanted, that we were wrong for each other. It doesn't get any clearer than that. Just let me go with some of my pride left.”

Had he...? He'd said some stupid things, drunk and exhausted out of his mind, but he hadn't said that they were wrong for each other. Sungyeol had said that. And Sungyeol had said, _I always thought L needed someone who looked after him, someone who could pour love on him, not the other way around._ Suddenly things came together in Joon's head. Damned, he was really stupid, how could he not have realized?

“Sungyeol tricked me,” he said. “It was a trap. He called me out yesterday, he got me drunk, he waited to talk about us until G.O. and Mir left.”

“You're saying he lied?”

“I never said we were wrong for each other. I said some stupid stuff, but I was drunk off my ass and hadn't slept in three days! He knew that! He's the one who said we were wrong for each other! And he said...”

“Sungyeol wouldn't do that,” L said.

“I swear! I- I would never have said those things, if he hadn't urged me on. And he said you had told him you wanted me to fight for you.”

L shook his head, turned off the water and looked for a towel. “I haven't talked to him about us,” he said.

“Then he lied about that too, to get me talking!”

“This is Sungyeol-hyung we're talking about,” L said, meeting Joon's eyes in the mirror. “You're saying he's trying to break us up? He wouldn't. You're covering your own ass. He wouldn't do this to me, he's my friend, my member, my brother!”

“He's in love with you,” Joon said. It was so crystal clear now.

“He's what? You're insane.” L's eyes narrowed and he shook his head like he couldn't believe this shit. “It doesn't matter. It's none of my business anymore.” L dried his hands. So handsome. Like a home decoration spread on new bathroom interiors.

“I- He's been opposed to us from the start! Who knows what else he might have sabotaged along the way!” Joon demanded.

“We could have broken up as adults, and instead you're trying to blame things on Sungyeol?”

“You don't believe me,” Joon realized. “You're going to believe Sungyeol over me?”

“This was a mistake,” L said, tossing the towel aside, raising his voice with anger. “This impulsive, jealous idiot, how could I think... Even trying to make me fight with my members? You're a coward. You could never hold on to me. You're just a nice body, Lee Joon.”

“Go then!” Joon shouted, gesturing. “Get the hell out and don't come back!” He covered his mouth as if he could take the words and stuff them back inside. L wouldn't go, he mustn't. Joon had made a mistake. He'd thought fighting was hard, for each other and with each other. But compared to the alternative, it was the best, it was the greatest thing in his life. L must know that. Must stay. Must believe in him.

L bent his head down. Then, with controlled breaths, hands curled into fists, said, “I'm sorry,” and left.

Joon leaned back against the wall again and cried.

The members came to check on him. They tried to comfort him, scattered around him in the bathroom, until G.O. said, “We'll cancel the work out. Let's order in.”

L's words repeated in Joon's head, like searing iron burning letters into his flesh. _You're just a nice body, Lee Joon._ He got up. “We're going,” he said.

“Joonie,” Seungho started.

“We can delay, at least,” Mir suggested.

Joon pulled on his shirt again. Rinsed his face and checked himself out in the mirror; his eyes were slightly puffy but it wasn't obvious that he'd cried. “We're going,” he repeated. “I said this would never interfere with work. And it won't. Never.”

“It's not interfering, we can reschedule,” Seungho said.

“Then you can sit here and get fat,” Joon decided. “I'm going.”

It did him good to work out until his muscles burned, and he couldn't think about anything else but to hold on, do one more, lift it again. He pushed on through, through the burn, the feeling of wanting to throw up, the exhaustion. At the end of the session, he looked at himself in the mirror, the muscles toned from the strain, and it was as if someone had written it across his chest with red ink. _You're just a nice body, Lee Joon._ A piece of ass. Something to try on and toss aside. _You could never hold on to me._ He winced away from the mirror and told the members he would stay late.

 

 

 

Early 2013

Joon and Mir were playing video games on the new system. He'd needed something to take his mind off the mess, after being yelled at by practically everyone. His company had made a public statement saying Joon naturally was not a violent person and the videos had been taken out of context, but since they had no more detailed explanation to give, media kept pushing the story. The fans had started in-fighting, some defending him, some making excuses, some calling the videos fake, others making up all kinds of explanations. Joon was still in hiding. Fans and media was one thing, facing all the friends and acquantainces he'd made over his career was another. People tended not to believe him in person. He couldn't deal with that right now.

“Hey,” G.O. said, peeking from his room. “Joonie, you've got to see this.”

“Not another one,” Joon said, worried.

“No,” G.O. said, nodding into his room. “I mean it, come here.”

Joon left Mir, who was absorbed in playing, and joined G.O. by his desk where he had the laptop open on a network site. _A intimate sit-down with Infinite_. “I don't want to see this,” Joon said.

G.O. grabbed his arm. “Ya, sit down. Trust me.” He pushed Joon into the chair and ran the video halfway in. It was a recording of a live interview done earlier in the day.

L was on the screen, in a new haircut and a jacket that did amazing things for his shoulders, looking calm and cool as ever. Joon looked away. “I have something to confess,” L said. “I leaked the video of me and MBLAQ's Lee Joon.”

Joon's head snapped back. The camera had zoomed out to show Infinite's reaction; they looked startled and alarmed, waiting for more. Only Sungyeol showed no reaction at all, hunched over looking at his hands.

“Joon-hyung and I are friends. We're both willful people so we fight a lot. After a fight recently, I lost my judgment, and I leaked that video. I made a mistake, and I want to apologize.” L looked into the camera. “I'm sorry, hyung. I should have believed you.”

Joon's heart ached.

The MC asked something about the video contents.

“About that day...” L said, still calm and beautiful, with just the right amount of shame. They would eat this up, Joon thought. “We'd fought about something, I'd been a brat and kept provoking him. He came to tell me to back off. It looks like he's... there's no sound, so you can't hear what I'm saying, which is perhaps a good thing for me.” L smiled a little. “And after the camera is covered, we fought equally. As for the ending, you can't see it, but someone came and knocked on the door, and Joon-hyung grabbed my arm to try to push me out of the line of sight when he opened, to protect me. Keep me from scandal. It turned out it was Seungho-hyung outside, so you can ask him what really happened.” L met the MC's eyes confidently, earnestly. “Lee Joon is really not like this, and if you believe the rumors, then I will be sorry to him for the rest of my life. You can ask anyone, he would never do what people accuse him of. Sungyeol-hyung is his friend, you can ask him too.”

The camera moved to Sungyeol who looked put on the spot. “I- yes,” he said. “L can be a stubborn... I mean, L can be very stubborn. Joon-hyung and he fights a lot. It's not like it looks.” His words didn't have any energy behind them, but at least they were said.

The MC asked about the second video, with L.Joe.

“I'm sure if you ask L.Joe-sshi, he'll say there was nothing sinister about it. Think about it, you can take a lot of everyday moments from your life and out of context, they will look like something terrible. Just taking out a knife to cut your vegetables.” L smiled.

His members jumped on the train, calling out more situations, getting silly.

“The point is,” L said, “Even if Joon-hyung or L.Joe-sshi never tell us exactly what was going on that day, it's not necessarily because there was something wrong, but maybe it was private. We may be idols, but sometimes we just want to have a private moment with a friend.”

G.O. paused the video. “See? He's not as bad as you think.” G.O. hummed. “In fact, he's got a lot of sense, don't you think? No wonder he's so popular.”

Joon slammed the laptop shut.

“Ya,” G.O. said. “Look, the kid did the right thing, and he worked hard when you were together, I still don't understand why you broke up.”

“It's been almost a year, why are you saying that now?” Joon demanded.

“I'm just saying, I don't get it. He worked his ass off trying to make your life perfect, even enlisted me and Thunder... ah,” he waved dismissively, “I wasn't supposed to say that was I? But it's been almost a year. And I don't know why we weren't to tell you anyway.”

“What are you talking about?” Joon asked. “Enlisted?”

G.O. leaned against the desk and looked up at the ceiling, recalling. “Apparently, L contacted Thunder and said he wanted to help you. When Thunder said no, L told him he didn't have to have contact with you. I know he bribed Thunder with something, I don't know what! But Thunder really wanted it. So Thunder recruited me, for a favor, so the two of us would look after you. L called the shots, set up schedules for food and sleep and stuff like that, and we made sure it was carried out.”

He was talking about the period early last year, when Thunder had been extra super nice to Joon. “Ya, you were doing it for pay?!?”

“We more or less tucked you in at night,” G.O. said. “We're your friends, but really, you didn't think it was strange? I'm not that kind of hyung, am I.”

Joon hadn't really stopped to think about why, only noted that they were nicer. He'd thought his throw of bad health had caused it; G.O. always joked about Joon holding back his career.

“And then all the phone calls and the excercises and the support, once Thunder decided to help him get in contact with you without the managers noticing. Geez.” G.O. sighed. “If I had a girl do all that for me, I'd never let her go, no matter what. She'd give me foot rubs every evening and bring me breakfast in bed. I could put up with anything for that. You really are stupid.”

“L broke up with me,” Joon protested.

G.O.'s eyes narrowed. “And so childish. Ah, if only it was me. And L was a girl. Maybe with a wig? I'd take good care of him – her.” G.O. blinked with dreamy eyes.

Joon kicked him and got up to find Thunder. Thunder was listening to music, writing, maybe composing or writing lyrics. Joon tapped his shoulder and he turned around and picked out one earbud.

“Did L pay you to look after me?” Joon asked.

Thunder shook his head. “Not in money.”

“Then what?”

“He may have done me a favor or two.”

“I thought you were being nice because you cared about me.”

“I would have done some of it anyway,” Thunder said, turning to sit sideways on the chair so he could see Joon properly. “But not all of that. You've been able to deal with the insomnia before, I didn't think you needed all that. But then it turned out to help, didn't it.”

It had. Joon had had very little problems since, and when it came back, he just needed to enforce the strict food-sleep-relaxation regimen for a few days and it could be culled.

“Why didn't you tell me?” Joon asked.

“L told me not to.”

“Why?”

“I really don't know that. If you want to know, you'll have to ask him.”

Joon sat on Thunder's bed. “You know we're not talking.”

“You could be,” Thunder said.

 

What L had said in the corridors of Running Man turned out to come true. Rumors arose about Joon's We Got Married wife seeing someone in real life. Thanks to L's interview, people forgot about the other stuff, and started kicking up dust about this instead. Fans questioned the point of the show now, if she was dating someone else. Joon managed to stay relatively calm throughout, it was just another thing turning his life upside down, but deep down he was hurt. Their marriage may have been a fake one, and their relationship difficult, but he felt like a friend of hers, and she hadn't even told him anything about it. No heads up, no chance for him to prepare for the storm.

L had given him a chance. L had warned him. Had that day in the corridors of Running Man been something else than Joon had thought? What about the dressing room after the show? Suddenly, with this new caring, self-sacrificing L showing up, Joon had to re-evaluate everything. They had talked about his wife on the show, and L had come into his dressing room.

_Why did you say that, on the show? It's a lie isn't it. That you want that kind of girl._

What if it wasn't a taunt? What if L had been honest? An honest question. Like he really wanted to know if it was true. Like asking whether they had broken up because Joon was lying about his type, or because they'd done something wrong. Tinted by jealousy. Why did you tell your fake wife something true and private?

And then on Running Man, Joon had been nervous about seeing him, maybe L had been nervous too? Ignoring him as a way to keep emotions down. Turning his attention to Yonghwa. Noticing that Joon was jealous, and doing it on purpose? Or maybe just glad for the distraction. Joon was the one who had set that conversation in the hallway off on a downward path.

_L glanced over at him. “You look beat up.”_

“ _I guess for once it's me,” Joon said._

And then, betraying his own jealousy,

“ _Waiting for Yonghwa?”_

_L's eyes narrowed spitefully. “What if I am?”_

After that, L had been agitated, specifically aiming his words to hurt. But still warned him of the coming betrayal of his wife.

Had Joon misunderstood everything through their whole relationship? That time they'd gone out to drink, everyone together, Sungyeol had said,

“ _You're the hyung, you should be looking out for him.”_

“ _I try, he's just, he's good at looking out for himself.”_

“ _Really, hyung,” Sungyeol said, shaking his head. “You don't know him at all, do you.”_

All this time Joon had told himself he knew L better than anyone, but maybe he'd missed some things. _I wanted to do it your way_ , L had said, that day at the motel. Maybe he hadn't just meant the sex that one time, but all of it all of the time, the relationship, everything. Joon's way. To make Joon happy. To make Joon stay with him?

“ _I didn't do casual very well.”_

“ _You seem pretty relaxed about it.”_

“ _Relationships... like I said, I'm high maintenance.”_

“ _I don't mind. I kind of like that. Knowing that the person wants me around.”_

“ _I hope you'll still say that later on.”_

And,

“ _Is this why your boyfriends didn't work out?”_

“ _It's one reason, I guess.”_

L had been left before, because of the same reasons Joon had wavered and tried to leave him. Joon had thought L didn't want him for who he was, while at the same time, L had thought the same about him. But where Joon had despaired and tried to back out, L had tried to change all the parts about himself that he thought Joon didn't like. He'd held on with everything he had, struggled alone, cried alone, and eventually, let Joon go only because he thought that was what Joon wanted, because he thought he was hurting him by clinging to him so hard.

L had been fighting all on his own, in secret, helping him, trying to be less of a bother. And in that, he'd drowned in Joon's needs and Joon's wants. The last months of their relationship had been only about Joon. Joon's insomnia, Joon's schedule, Joon who didn't want to do this, or wanted him to do that, or told him to not take risks. L never asked for anything in return. L, who always told him to do things in bed, had asked for things in bed because Joon wanted him to. He'd compromised himself in so many ways, and Joon hadn't even realized!

Hadn't Joon said he wanted someone who loved more? Well, there it was. L had loved more. And Joon was an ungrateful idiot.

An idiot who realized things a year too late.

 

L hid things. Had sent the 100 messages anonymously, had told Thunder to keep his involvement in the insomnia intervention secret. Had pretended to fight with Joon for days to hide the origin of the bracelet, because he'd lost his confidence over a single, casual comment. Had managed to hide the fact that he was indeed the one who loved more. That thing Dongwoo had said long ago, that L hated a guy with too much pride, it made sense now. L was the one who loved more, but he had too much pride himself to show it openly. So the other guy had to be the one who pushed and was open about it, the other guy had to give up his pride and seem like he loved more. To cover for him.

Joon whined at Seungho until Seungho checked Infinite's schedule with Dongwoo.

The day Joon selected turned out to be beautiful, warm and sunny. It felt like spring. He set the alarm for dawn and sent L the first message.

_Good morning. Today is the day._

For the rest of the day he had his phone on a constantly ticking alarm, signaling him each time it was time for another message.

_When it's this bright, L's eyes turn into happy lines._

_I went to the park where we took photos. The tree is still there. I ate lunch in the shade._

And, after gathering courage,

_100 messages for all the moments in the day I miss Kim Myungsoo._

Then,

_I've been working out very hard. I think I'm getting strong enough to hold on to someone._

He didn't dare write any questions. What if L answered? He wasn't sure what L would think of this, but each message made him happy. Gave him hope. And he preferred L's silence to some other options.

In the evening he wrote,

_A little blue bird sang a secret._

Which of course was intended to make L check his twitter, where Joon had taken a foolish, stupid risk, but if he was going to get L back, he would have to show that he was serious. He'd written,

_Like it was the easiest thing in the world_

_It was taken for granted._

_My stupid self never realized_

_Something this precious._

_On any day, you were there_

_Ready to laugh with me_

_Ready to cry with me_

_You were always looking out for me._

Which would look like an apology to anyone, but with the initial letter of each line spelling out: _L, I'm sorry._ It wouldn't take a genius to figure it out, but Joon wasn't so good with poetry, he'd worked hard just to get that together. He hoped Seungho wouldn't see it. Or G.O., he'd never hear the end of it. Or any of the members. Or anyone in the world, aside from L.

Later in the day it turned out the fans thought he was missing someone who'd died and were working to find out who it could be. He was relieved.

Evening turned into night. He wrote his 100th message.

_Come make a movie with me. This one will have a happy ending. I'll wait for you there until the dawn._

Joon let the phone display turn black and set the phone aside on the bedside table. He looked at the terrible wallpaper, ran his hands over the white bleached sheets, and promised himself this was the last time. If L didn't come tonight, he had to let go.

He'd brought a bag of stuff, so he changed from his disguise into fancier clothes and put on jewelry. Wandered around the room a little, stretched to busy his itching muscles, amused himself by checking every inch of the place for cameras again. His phone beeped, he threw himself on the bed and checked what it was.

L.Joe. _Suddenly everyone have forgotten what everyone were saying ten minutes ago. I'm everyone's best friend again. Is this how it is in this business, or did you or Thunder do something?_

Joon was too worked up to think about it properly. _I didn't do anything, I don't know about Thunder,_ he wrote. _Maybe the storm passed._

_I'm glad your storm passed too. And I hope he gets your message._

Ah, so L.Joe had seen the tweet and figured it out. _Me too,_ Joon answered.

He put the phone away. There was a light tap on the door.

Joon's heart beat so hard it felt like the air got pushed out of his lungs. He took a new breath and walked up to the door, feeling like he could hear his own heartbeat. What if it wasn't L? It had to be L. He checked the peep hole. L. L wore a disguise too, but Joon knew him, would recognize him anywhere. He opened the door, let L in, and locked it. L continued into the room, pushing down his hood. His messy hair managed to look perfect.

“You came,” Joon said.

“I feel like I'm going to get shot and dumped in the river,” L said. “But I came.”

Joon laughed because it was silly. “It's not that bad a neighborhood.”

“Not by robbers,” L said, his eyes smiling even if his mouth wasn't. “By you.”

“Me?”

“Mm, like the movies. A lover that goes mad over time, like _if I can't have you nobody can_ , like that. Or to take revenge for a broken heart.”

Joon shook his head. “You could break my heart as many times as you'd want, I would never hurt you.”

L turned his eyes away bashfully, looked at the terrible wallpaper just like Joon had done before. Maybe remembering. “You've gotten better,” he said. “I can't tell anymore.”

“What?”

“Lying.”

“I'm not lying,” Joon said.

L studied him. “Tell me a lie,” he said.

“I haven't missed you at all these last months.”

A little smile played across L's lips. “You don't do it anymore. You've gotten a lot better. I can't tell.”

Wasn't that bad? “That's a shame,” Joon said, “because I really need you to believe me today.”

“But good for your dreams. If you're going to be a good actor, you need to be able to lie.”

L liked it, for some reason. So it was fine then, Joon hoped. “I'm sorry I said the things about what kind of person I like, on We Got Married,” Joon said. “And I'm sorry I was mean and jealous at Running Man.”

L looked surprised. “It's okay,” he said. “I was pretty mean too.” He chuckled. “Yonghwa-hyung said he felt like Lee Joon was angry at him for something that day. He said, 'maybe Joon thought I lost the game for us by falling for the antlion trap'.”

“I'm sorry,” Joon said again.

A slightly awkward silence rose. L looked calm and casual, had the kind of face where you expected a light breeze to rustle his hair as the camera panned around him. But L was an actor. Someone who hid his weaknessess with minute care.

“I want to try again,” Joon said.

“Ah,” L said, blowing out air. “Lee Joon. Just when I was starting to think...” He looked up, bravely meeting Joon's eyes. “Just when I was starting to think I could live without you.”

“I don't want to live without you,” Joon said. He'd prepared for this part, so he took a new breath. “I was a coward. I didn't trust you, and I didn't dare to go all in. But I will, this time. I believe in it now. That you love me. And I love you, and I want you to believe it too.”

L quivered, all the way through to his fingertips. That casual little smile broke up, he blinked and took a shaky breath. “Hold on,” he started, then he cried. He crouched, maybe his knees gave in, and bent his head down, resting his forehead against his arms, and cried like all the moments leading up to this one had bottled up so many tears that they couldn't come out fast enough. His whole body trembled when he managed to draw for air in between.

As heartwrenching as it was to see him like this, it gave Joon hope. He gently took L's arm and led him to the bed. L followed him like he didn't have a will of his own anymore. They sat on the side of the bed and L started to regain control, his breaths slowing.

“I really believe in us,” Joon said. “All the things I didn't understand before, I think I understand them now. Let's not think of the past. This time, no matter how much we fight, no matter what happens, even if everyone finds out and they put up posters with rewards for our heads, we'll never give up. I'm never giving up again.”

L managed to regain some semblance of control of himself, wiped his face and sniffled a little. “Saying these things, you seem different.”

“I am different,” Joon said confidently. “I told you, I think I'm strong enough to hold on now.”

L wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his sweater, which was drenched in tears by now. “It's so strange to hear you say this,” he said. “Every time before, when you said we had to hide, they wouldn't let us be together, I thought, he'd let them split us up, he wouldn't fight for me at all, if we were found out, he'd leave me to protect himself.” L frowned a little and admitted, “It made me want to test you. Take risks. See if you stayed.”

“I didn't want to be the reason you lost everything you've worked so hard for, your whole life,” Joon said. “Besides, you too! I asked you once if you'd be with me if I wasn't famous, and you said something about only if I looked this good. You know how I feel about people only caring about my body.”

L suddenly smiled. “I'm sorry,” he said.

“Oh that's funny?”

“Don't be mad. I didn't realize you were serious. It seemed so absurd. Like how could Lee Joon not be famous?”

Joon felt himself give in. He may be the new and improved Lee Joon, but L still knew what to say to win. It was as it should be. He leaned forward and kissed L's forehead. Then L's temple. Then L took his face and steered him to his mouth. They kissed, long and deep and soft, then tipped over on the bed and tangled their bodies together and made out. L was as needy and demanding as before, but now Joon felt like he could give him what he wanted. He felt glad to give it, in fact. He lost track of time, letting L fill all his senses, the rest of the world disappearing. L got out of the baggy sweater and kicked off his shoes, and they rolled over the bed, getting to know each other again, finding old places and discovering new.

When L broke contact, Joon stared up at the ceiling, dazed, wondering how long time had passed.

“I love you so much,” L whispered, almost in pain, holding on to him like he'd disappear. “I can't...” definitely in pain. _I can't get hurt again_. _I can't lose you again_.

“I love you too,” Joon said. He lifted L's head with a hand under his chin to get eye contact. “Be my boyfriend, Myungsoo-yah.”

First L just looked as dazed as him. For a moment Joon thought he'd start crying again. Then a shaky breath, and a tiny mischivous glint got in his eyes as he regained composure. A decision had been made. Fear had been abandoned. “There was nothing between you and L.Joe right? I know he spent a night at your dorm.”

Joon felt himself crack up in a smile. “He needed a friend. He is a friend. Nothing more.”

L nodded and licked his lips. “Okay.”

“Okay? What about Sungyeol?”

“Agh.” L sighed. “Hyung...”

“I'm not crazy.”

“I know,” L said. “Hyung, Sungyeol leaked the video of our fight in the practice room. After Running Man I was so upset. I think he figured out it was because of you, thought you did something to me, and decided to take revenge. He came clean to me after, you were right. He really did have feelings for me.” L chewed on his lips. “I never noticed. He must have suffered a lot.”

“So I'm supposed to leave you in the same apartment as someone handsome and close to you, who is in love with you, every night?”

“Didn't you say you would trust me?” L asked.

“I do trust you. I don't trust Sungyeol,” Joon protested.

“We've talked about it. He understands. Say you'll forgive him. He's not this person, he got carried away.”

That sounded like Joon himself, under the effect of L. “I forgive him,” he said. What else could he go? “But you better not believe him over me again.”

“I won't,” L promised. “I won't believe anyone over you. I, um, I have...” He gave up a nervous little sound, half of a laugh. “This is really embarrassing.” He dug up something out of his pocket.

The bracelet, no, two of them! Joon had turned the dorm upside down, without finding it. L, L had held on to both all this time? He held his arm out, and L clipped the bracelet around his wrist. It wasn't exactly an engagement ring, but it sure felt like something like it.

“Yes,” L said, putting on his own. “I'll be your boyfriend.” He smiled, but there was just a hint of a quiver in his voice.

“I really won't give up this time,” Joon promised, his own chest hurting in response to L's struggle to be brave. “Myungsoo-yah. We've done all the mistakes now. We won't do them again.” He poked L's chest. “I'll leave many more marks on you, to remind you where you belong, but you better not show them on television again.”

L's eyes filled up with desire, and he buried his face against Joon's chest to hide it.

“I mean it,” Joon murmured in his ear. “I really have worked out hard.” He took L's hand and guided it under his shirt, pressed his palm flat against his abs and rippled them.

L moaned into his chest. “Ah, Lee Joon, don't tease me,” he whined. “Oh god I've, I'm, it's been so long, I've missed you so much.”

“We'll do it right this time,” Joon said.

L looked up at him through long, dark lashes, his breaths quickening. “Yes, hyung. Let's do it right.”

 

 

 

Epilogue

“L.Joe is dating!?!”

L leaned over on the couch to see into Mir's room. Joon petted his back, waiting for more.

“Ya, keep it down. That's not what I said. There's some whispers, that's all,” Thunder said. He came out into the living room, Mir following close behind.

“But who?” Mir demanded.

“You two,” Thunder said, turning towards Joon and L. “Not a word about this elsewhere. Not even to Infinite!”

L nodded and Joon pretended to zip L's mouth shut.

“It's not dating,” Thunder said. “Word is, L.Joe has an admirer, who cleaned up for him. Shut down the rumors and paid off some media to stop talking about it.”

“Who?” Mir demanded again.

“It would have to be a sunbae,” L mused. “Or someone rich, or maybe someone within the company, to be able to do that.”

“I don't know who it is,” Thunder said. “I swear!” he added at Mir's disbelieving look. “You think someone who can do this can't also cover their tracks?”

“Does L.Joe know?” Joon asked.

“I don't think so,” Thunder said. “It's a very tight circle who knows anything at all. And that's good, right? This way L.Joe won't feel indebted to whoever it is, and obligated to be nice if he someday makes a move. So you two keep it shut okay?”

Joon and L made efforts to nod with sincere faces. Thunder and Mir moved on into the kitchen.

“It's kind of a shame,” L said.

“What is?” Joon wondered, sneaking his hand under L's shirt to pet his bare skin instead. Mmmm.

“That they covered it up. If L.Joe had come out with a boyfriend, well, maybe it would have opened the way for the rest of us.”

“You want to come out?”

L smiled brightly. “If I could,” he said, “I would want to scream it off rooftops. Lee Joon is mine. Hands off.”

Joon smiled, running his fingers down L's spine.

“Speaking of,” L said. “You have to stop doing We Got Married.”

“What now?”

“She'll take the blame, it'll look like it stops because she started seeing someone else. So it won't reflect very badly on you.”

“Are you serious?”

“Of course,” L said. “I'm not some toy on the side. I won't tolerate a wife, fake or not.”

Joon stared at him in shock. “It's my work! Are you going to be like this every time I kiss a girl when filming?”

“That's different,” L said calmly.

“How can you be jealous of her, we don't even get along,” Joon muttered.

L carefully but firmly removed Joon's hand from his back. “Say you'll stop doing it, hyung.”

Defeated, as usual, Joon sighed. “Fine. But you better help me find more work then.”

“Mm,” L agreed. “Okay, so I made a plan. If you say...”

“You made a plan?” Joon demanded.

L nodded, unfazed. “Mm. Sungyeol and Dongwoo helped. She'll probably take the blame, but we have to make sure it puts you in the best light possible. So we figured, if you...”

L proceeded to explain. Joon dug his hand under L's shirt again while listening, and L let him. It wasn't a bad plan. It would probably work.

We Got Married had gotten Joon many new experiences and taught him new things. He'd miss doing it, in a way. But, he thought, there were rules for getting married, traditions, ways that things were done. Like learning the steps to a dance, or to dating. There were no such rules for the real thing. For someone you really liked, you had to be yourself, be prepared to get hurt and work hard and keep at it, never give up.

There simply was no easy way, no shortcuts, no training that could prepare you for how to love L.

 

**Author's Note:**

> CONTAINS SPOILERS - you've been warned!
> 
> In early 2013, Lee Joon ended his run on We Got Married, because his wife had been seen meeting with another male celebrity repeatedly, and the integrity of the show was questioned.
> 
> The events in this story that correspond to actual events are (the times are by best estimate, since I can't be sure my sources are correct, and didn't double-check);  
> We Got Married – Lee Joon's run from late 2012 to early 2013.  
> Infinite invading MBLAQ's changing room – late 2011.  
> Interview with L stating he was currently dating, then saying it was Inspirits – probably sometime 2012 (this was probably the time he was really dating Doyeon, so it was probably actually a concealed hint).  
> Radio show with Infinite naming which idols they were close to – early 2013.  
> The Color of Kpop with Dynamic Black and Dramatic Blue took place at the end of 2012, while Lee Joon was doing We Got Married.  
> MBLAQ and Infinite have been on christmas / new years events together, but the specifics of this one is made up.
> 
> Other randomly included details:  
> Lee Joon has mentioned having insomnia and mood swings, the first being something he's always had more or less, and the second being caused by the high pressure and stress.  
> L's relationship with Doyeon was revealed, among other things, by a bracelet and by a poem with a hidden message using the first letters of each line.
> 
> I apologize to Sungyeol for painting him the villain. I'm sure he'd never do something like this in real life. How likely L and Lee Joon are to do something like this in real life, I refrain from commenting on.
> 
> And please don't take this as "BDSM"!!! These idiots don't know what they're doing, they have a long way of learning ahead of them ^_^''''


End file.
